G/O Media Alarmed as Latest ‘Jason Drives’ Reviews Jim Spanfeller’s Personal LS500

G/O Media, Jalopnik’s parent company, was in a state of confusion and panic early Monday morning as the latest edition of Jason Torchinksy’s “Jason Drives” was released on Youtube. The episode is a review of what appeared to be G/O Media CEO Jim Spanfeller’s own Lexus LS500. Although reports could initially not confirm whether or not the vehicle was actually Spanfeller’s, a sticky note saying … Continue reading G/O Media Alarmed as Latest ‘Jason Drives’ Reviews Jim Spanfeller’s Personal LS500

Elizabeth Warren Surges In Polls After Pledging to Import Suzuki Jimny

Presidential hopeful and U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren saw a spike in her support late Tuesday evening after promising the American public that the Suzuki Jimny will come to the United States on Twitter. This pledge comes after months of pressure from countless members of the automotive community, who insist they have twenty thousand dollars burning a hole in their pocket. Although the announcement may seem … Continue reading Elizabeth Warren Surges In Polls After Pledging to Import Suzuki Jimny

Time-Traveling Cyborg Returns From 2056 To Warn Humanity of Toyota Tundra’s 23rd Mid-Cycle Refresh

SAN ANTONIO, TX — Spontaneously appearing from an infinitely bright ball of light and electricity, a human-machine hybrid reportedly arrived yesterday from three decades in the future with grim news that the Toyota Tundra still had yet to undergo a redesign. “He just appeared out of nowhere.” a witness said, trembling. “He was butt-naked.” The witness said the cyborg approached him and demanded to know … Continue reading Time-Traveling Cyborg Returns From 2056 To Warn Humanity of Toyota Tundra’s 23rd Mid-Cycle Refresh

Cash-Strapped Williams F1 Sends George Russell Into FP3 Wearing Bicycle Helmet & Book Sock Durag

AUSTIN, TX– Having run completely dry of funds for the USGP at COTA, Williams F1 decided during Saturday’s free practice to send George Russel out on track wearing a bicycle helmet and a book-sock durag instead of his typical fireproof balaclava. The news comes after the last of Lawrence Stroll’s money was spent throwing a surprise birthday party for the raccoons living in Ferrari’s derelict … Continue reading Cash-Strapped Williams F1 Sends George Russell Into FP3 Wearing Bicycle Helmet & Book Sock Durag

Rolls Royce Offers All Inclusive “Human Safari in the Congo” With Purchase of New Dawn Convertible

Expanding their offerings of high-end experiences, super-luxury automaker Rolls Royce has recently announced plans for an, “All inclusive people-hunting expedition in the heart of the African continent.” The German marque says the trip is only for those who have bought a Dawn, or are in the process of purchasing one. The brand claims plans for these trips come after inquiries from current owners, who said … Continue reading Rolls Royce Offers All Inclusive “Human Safari in the Congo” With Purchase of New Dawn Convertible

Senior Forum Member Assures Public 2020 GT500 Is Either Best Car Ever or Fucking Scrap

NUTLEY, NJ– In a take hotter than the surface of the sun, senior forum member Dean Matthews assured a packed press pool early Tuesday morning that the new GT500 was either the greatest car ever made, or complete junk. After having praise heaped upon him for his post’s god-like prose and diction, he demanded the press cease requesting autographs, and be seated on the sidewalk … Continue reading Senior Forum Member Assures Public 2020 GT500 Is Either Best Car Ever or Fucking Scrap

JD Power Compares Buying New Dodge Journey to Losing Game of Tic-Tac-Toe

In an unusual change of pace, this year JD Power introduced an award for the vehicle most likely to be purchased by somebody who would probably lose a game of tic-tac-toe. JD Power clarified what they mean in a press release, saying its a vehicle bought by people that “don’t know any better, but not in a ‘haha funny’ kind of way”. They also provided … Continue reading JD Power Compares Buying New Dodge Journey to Losing Game of Tic-Tac-Toe

Ferrari Unveils Limited-Edition Hypercar You Can’t Buy Unless You Own Five Other Collector Ferraris And Kidnap Toto Wolff

MARANELLO– In an effort to maintain the exclusivity of their brand, Ferrari revealed a track-only, ultra-high-performance supercar on Monday. The Italian marque says it is only available to customers who currently own five of the company’s most collectible models, and sign an agreement that they will kidnap Mercedes F1 boss Toto Wolff and bring him safely to Ferrari’s headquarters. “This vehicle is intended for purchase … Continue reading Ferrari Unveils Limited-Edition Hypercar You Can’t Buy Unless You Own Five Other Collector Ferraris And Kidnap Toto Wolff

Local Enthusiast Unsure If Driver of Red Countach Matt Farah or Just Some Bald Guy

VENICE BEACH–Trying to remember if Matt Farah lives around here, tourist Frank Morrow was struggling early Tuesday morning to get close enough to a red Lamborghini Countach, attempting to surmise whether the driver was indeed Matt Farah. “It doesn’t have the ugly side skirts.. I remember he said that on Twitter…” Morrow muttered to himself. “Just a little closer” He stared at the red Countach … Continue reading Local Enthusiast Unsure If Driver of Red Countach Matt Farah or Just Some Bald Guy

Volkswagen Unveils Pumpkin Spice Jetta

Capitalizing on a demand from their consumer demographic, Volkswagen announced late Monday evening they would be adding a “Pumpkin Spice” package to the 2020 Jetta. The new trim level comes after VW previously canceled plans for a “Summer Vibes” Jetta, sponsored by Whiteclaw alcoholic seltzer. In a press release, the German automaker cited early success with focus groups as their motivation behind green-lighting the car. … Continue reading Volkswagen Unveils Pumpkin Spice Jetta