The first automobile to fall victim to cancel culture, the Ford F250 was discontinued late Sunday evening after tweets containing homophobic slurs were discovered on the truck’s social media account. Ford says they are “extremely sorry” about the incident and that, “No other Ford vehicles have ever uttered such offensive, hateful language.” The tweets–which have all since been deleted–made several crude and insensitive remarks pertaining … Continue reading Ford F250 Discontinued After Homophobic Tweets From 2007 Resurface on Vehicle’s Social Media

Resolving to maintain sales during the COVID-19 pandemic, Toyota plans to release a modified version of their popular Camry sedan called the “Quarantine edition”. Toyota sent us details of this new options package in the form of a heavily censored video late Sunday night. The video features the new Camry which comes from the factory without wheels. Toyota says the car will be delivered to … Continue reading Quarantine Edition Camry Just Jerks You Off and Pours Shots

DETROIT, MI – On Friday, using his authority under the 1950 Defense Production Act, President Donald Trump ordered the General Motors to start producing “Altoids Mango Sours,” a candy discontinued in 2010. The president tweeted: “Altoids stopped making Sours even though people loved them. WHY? Maybe Mary B. at GM can stop spending money on USELESS, POLLUTING ELECTRIC BATTERIES and use their tremendous factories to … Continue reading Invoking Defense Production Act, Trump Orders GM to Start Manufacturing Altoids Mango Sours

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Providing financial relief for economically displaced workers, the Trump administration confirmed last week it will send a check to several million Americans. That is, every American except one man who recently purchased a 1971 Datsun 240Z for a whopping $310,000. “This decision shows a level of fiscal irresponsibility unlike anything we’ve ever seen,” said president Trump. “You have the crash of 2008, … Continue reading Trump Administration Sends Relief Checks to Every American Except that Guy who Paid Over Three Hundred Grand for a 240Z

In what seems like an attempt to carry-on doing good deeds, Ford released a video statement late Sunday evening outlining a plan to turn thousands of their troublesome DPS6 dual-clutch transmissions into anchors for small watercraft. Although the company is still gathering the units from their dealership network, they say they have a comprehensive plan for their conversion. “I mean first of all, we’re going … Continue reading More than Just Ventilators: Ford says They’re Making Thousands of Boat Anchors from Recalled Dual-Clutch Transmissions

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Attempting to curb panic resulting from the worldwide outbreak of COVID-19, U.S. government officials urged consumers at a press conference Friday to refrain from unnecessarily stockpiling cleaning supplies, bottled water, and air-cooled Porsche 911s. “Please only buy what you need,” said Mike Pence, avoiding eye contact with audience members and cameras. “If we can avoid hoarding, there is plenty of supply to go around.” … Continue reading Consumers Urged Not to Hoard Cleaning Supplies, Bottled Water, Air-Cooled 911s

TROY, MI.–The company famous as the subject of thousands of Toyota Camry commercials has issued a public warning to an unruly survey participant. Filling out the rankings for “Best Car 2020,” Ron Pittman of Shippingport, PA allegedly wrote “1949 Studebaker Commander” as the answer for every single question. J.D. Power was not amused. “These rankings–especially those pertaining to initial quality and reliability–must be taken seriously,” … Continue reading J.D. Power & Associates Warns, “It’s not funny” to Survey Participant who Answered Every Question with “1947 Studebaker Commander”

Citing the cancellation or delay of several races on the 2020 race calendar, Formula 1 game developers Codemasters announced a change in plans concerning their latest release. Instead of a racing game, Codemasters is set to release “Christian Horner Shit-Talking Simulator”. Codemasters says the user in ‘CHSTS’ plays as Horner himself. The more-than twenty levels (one for each F1 race) consist of the player wandering … Continue reading Formula 1 Game Developers Say F1 2020 Delayed–Will Release ‘Christian Horner Shit-Talking Simulator’ Instead

WASHINGTON, D.C.–In a statement intended to reduce confusion concerning the definition of quarantine, the CDC told gathered press at the White House a valuable analogy in the fight against COVID-19. “You know your retired neighbor, right? The one with the Corvette?” said a CDC representative. The gathered press looked around at each other, wondering how the rep knew their the identity of one of their … Continue reading CDC: Those Confused About Quarantine Should Act Like Retired Neighbor’s Corvette

WASHINGTON D.C.–Seeming to let the ongoing COVID-19 crisis get to his head, President Trump appeared to have a bit of a senior moment early Saturday morning after calling a press conference to ensure Pontiac will indeed weather this financial storm. A spokesperson from Pontiac, which hasn’t existed since 2010, didn’t say anything, because he/she does not exist. “We will make sure–believe me, we will make … Continue reading Trump Secures Five Billion Dollars to Ensure Pontiac’s Survival In Tumultuous Economy