Porsche Clarifies Base Taycan, Ten Thousand AAA Batteries Sold Separately

ATLANTA, GA — Complying with federal disclaimer requirements, Porsche issued a statement Wednesday that the ten thousand AAA batteries required to power the base Taycan are not included with purchase, but rather sold separately. “This decision allows us to keep prices down,” a Porsche spokesperson said. “The additional weight of the batteries would have caused shipping costs to skyrocket.” The spokesperson confirmed more upmarket trim … Continue reading Porsche Clarifies Base Taycan, Ten Thousand AAA Batteries Sold Separately

Ryan LoweLeave a comment

Stop Moaning, Find a Baseball Cap, and Buy a Convertible

Here’s what you do. You buy a convertible. It leaks like a colander, you never put the top down, your friends, family, they assume you’re planning on joining the circus. It won’t go around a corner because it’s busy doing its best Gumby impression. It’s about as useful as a salt shaker on a snowy road, and above all, all you hear is the constant … Continue reading Stop Moaning, Find a Baseball Cap, and Buy a Convertible

Peter HolderithLeave a comment

New Study Cements Relationship Between Apex Seals And Crippling Anxiety

A new study released by on Tuesday by NHTSA has officially substantiated the relationship between owning a rotary powered vehicle and experiencing constant anxiety lasting the duration of ownership. The study compiled several pages of quantitative data, as well as several comments from owners. Stephan Gill from New Hampshire wrote, “I’ll be driving down the road, making sure my AFR is all good, making sure … Continue reading New Study Cements Relationship Between Apex Seals And Crippling Anxiety

Peter HolderithLeave a comment

BMW Insider Alleges 4 Series Nostrils Reference Quantity of Glue Designers Sniffing

FRANKFURT — After a controversial launch of the 4 Series concept car, we spoke to a brand representative at the Frankfurt Motor Show to ask a few questions about the upcoming vehicle. “The kidney grilles have been enlarged on the new 4 Series for several reasons.” a spokesperson told us. Those reasons? “This new concept embodies all the great BMW design values. The grilles get … Continue reading BMW Insider Alleges 4 Series Nostrils Reference Quantity of Glue Designers Sniffing

Peter HolderithLeave a comment

Alfa Spokesperson: Reliability Inspired By Drunk Friend Who Claims They’re Down For Breakfast In The Morning

In an effort to clear up concerns about the reliability of their cars, Alfa Romeo recently held another press conference to address the issue. Bald Tires was on the scene to cover what transpired.  Continue reading Alfa Spokesperson: Reliability Inspired By Drunk Friend Who Claims They’re Down For Breakfast In The Morning

Chris Okula1 Comment

Elon Musk Bravely Puts Absolutely Nothing On The Line In Legendary Nurburgring Dick Measuring Contest

NURBURG, GERMANY– In what is shaping up to be the automotive dick measuring contest of the decade, Elon Musk has decided to put his…. His uhhh…… He’s risking his very….. His… Uhhh…. Unable to find the words for what is actually on the line, we called Mr. Musk himself to ask was at stake. “My reputation is on the line. Remember how I went on … Continue reading Elon Musk Bravely Puts Absolutely Nothing On The Line In Legendary Nurburgring Dick Measuring Contest

Peter HolderithLeave a comment

New Land Rover Defender Capable Of Ascending Tow Truck Bed At Up To 35-Degree Angle

WHITLEY, UK — Boasting some of the best off-road prowess in the industry, Land Rover announced Wednesday their new Defender is capable of climbing onto a tow truck bed positioned at up to a 35-degree angle relative to the shoulder of the road. “This gives the Defender a better approach angle than any rival,” a Land Rover engineer said. “By comparison, a Jeep Wrangler can … Continue reading New Land Rover Defender Capable Of Ascending Tow Truck Bed At Up To 35-Degree Angle

Ryan Lowe2 Comments

Area Enthusiast Enthralled by Absolutely Mint ’87 Chrysler Fifth Avenue

CHICAGO– Out for a morning drive, local enthusiast Charles Watkins says he was totally blindsided. Turning a corner, he saw what turned out to be a 1987 Chrysler Fifth Avenue in absolutely pristine condition. “My first question was… ‘Why?’ Shortly followed by… ‘How?’”. “Looked like it just rolled off the factory floor in the eighties. Absolutely ridiculous. All the chrome was like a mirror, the … Continue reading Area Enthusiast Enthralled by Absolutely Mint ’87 Chrysler Fifth Avenue

Peter HolderithLeave a comment

Honda Dealerships Offering Free Listless Apathy With Purchase Of New CR-V

Honda announced this week that it will start offering free listless apathy with the purchase of any new CR-V. We asked Honda to elaborate on a half-finished press release, but the press representative we spoke with seemed totally uninterested as they described the new “sea of beige” package being offered. “We know who buys these things… We thought we’d just cut to the chase and … Continue reading Honda Dealerships Offering Free Listless Apathy With Purchase Of New CR-V

Brock England7 Comments

I Traveled To The Oort Cloud To Pick Up My Dream Car: A 1994 Toyota Tercel In Bare Primer

My dream car has always been a Tercel. Why? Well, let me tell you a story. I remember the first and last time driving in my Dad’s Tercel. We were merging onto the highway when the Tercel’s three speed automatic slammed the car into third gear, like two trains colliding at mach three. I can still remember my dad yelling, “FUCK!” as we ran over … Continue reading I Traveled To The Oort Cloud To Pick Up My Dream Car: A 1994 Toyota Tercel In Bare Primer

Peter Holderith2 Comments