Niki Lauda, “Honestly, unimpressed.” With Heaven Grand Prix Circuit

HEAVEN—According to sources, Niki Lauda is not impressed at all with the quality of the circuit provided to him in heaven. “Turn three is a mess, not fast enough for aero and not slow enough for mechanical grip.” He took off his sunglasses. “It’s bullshit.” God looked at him stunned as they both walked the track. “Your back straight is fine, hard to mess that … Continue reading Niki Lauda, “Honestly, unimpressed.” With Heaven Grand Prix Circuit

Americans Requesting Uber In U.K. Suddenly Aware They Have No Fucking Idea What A Ford Galaxy Is

NEWCASTLE—Still slightly surprised Uber was a thing in the U.K., but unsure why it wouldn’t be simultaneously, Americans Donald Walters and Robert Johnson found themselves confused early Monday morning after ordering an Uber. Both men were sent into a slight panic after realizing neither of them knew what a Ford Galaxy actually was. “Your Uber will arrive in three minutes, in a green Ford…. Galaxy. … Continue reading Americans Requesting Uber In U.K. Suddenly Aware They Have No Fucking Idea What A Ford Galaxy Is

Car Enthusiasts Pissed That Reviews Of 2020 Toyota Supra Generally Favorable

UNITED STATES — Following the removal of the press embargo last Sunday, car enthusiasts nationwide were reported to be pretty pissed off that the reviews of the fifth-generation Toyota Supra have generally been favorable. Several automotive journalists have extended praise to the Supra’s only available transmission, which is an eight-speed automatic and uses a traditional torque converter. The gearbox has been dubbed responsive, quick, and … Continue reading Car Enthusiasts Pissed That Reviews Of 2020 Toyota Supra Generally Favorable

U.S. Customs Will Now Check All European Hatchbacks For Plastic Cladding, 3″ Lift At Border

According to reports by auto manufacturers, U.S. customs will now ensure that all European hatchbacks entering at American ports will be equipped with ‘necessary’ plastic cladding and a 3″ lift. Customs says this measure is not meant to upset enthusiasts, but to, “Ensure the survival of hatchbacks entering the United States”. We visited Port Elizabeth in New Jersey to get the news first hand from … Continue reading U.S. Customs Will Now Check All European Hatchbacks For Plastic Cladding, 3″ Lift At Border

Subaru Forester Owner Not Huge Fan Of Beer You Ordered

PORTLAND, OR — Expressing disdain for the beverage’s malty undertones, local Subaru Forester owner Garrett Smith proclaimed that he, in fact, is not a fan of the particular beer you chose to order, according to sources. “I had to tell him. That beer is just terrible,” Smith said after ensuring the topmost button of his red buffalo-checked flannel shirt was securely fastened. “The head is … Continue reading Subaru Forester Owner Not Huge Fan Of Beer You Ordered

Cadillac Says They Aren’t Putting A V8 In The CT5 Because They Like Keeping People Up At Night

DETROIT—After announcing their new CT5 sports sedan, Cadillac invited us to a tour of the production facilities for the vehicle. We drove out to Detroit to see what was what. As soon as we arrived we asked about a possible performance version. “Well… It’s probably going to happen” Our host said. We asked if he could show us anything from the new performance variant they … Continue reading Cadillac Says They Aren’t Putting A V8 In The CT5 Because They Like Keeping People Up At Night