Tesla Posts Strongest Profits Ever After Unveiling Own Brand of In-House Kool-Aid

Flexing their muscles after a strong quarter, Tesla announced record profits Tuesday afternoon as the brand released it’s own spin-off of the powdered Kool-Aid beverage. Although many in the automotive media have known of its existence for some time, it has never before taken actual physical form. According to Teslarati.com, the beverage does not taste like much of anything, but other publications said it gave … Continue reading Tesla Posts Strongest Profits Ever After Unveiling Own Brand of In-House Kool-Aid

Internet Worried as Engineering Explained Posts Manic, Seven Hour Video Titled, “Magnets”

Seeming frantic & excited, Jason Fenske, custodian of the internet’s most controversial haircut and host of Youtube’s Engineering Explained, posted a barely edited, fast paced video early Tuesday evening. The video, in which Fenkse claimed he had, “figured it out”, and insisted the viewer refer to him as “cobra” has since been taken down. The only surviving record is a summary recorded by a viewer. … Continue reading Internet Worried as Engineering Explained Posts Manic, Seven Hour Video Titled, “Magnets”

“STAY THE FUCK BACK OR I’LL DO IT!” Yells GM, Clutching Threat of SUV to Corvette’s Head

“Come on, GM! Remember the CTS-V? That was a good car! Wasn’t an SUV either!” GM seemed uneffected by the voice from the megaphone, and continued to restrain the Corvette. “I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE BRAND IMAGE I WANT THE MONEY!” “You don’t need the money!” the automotive community responded. “The new C8 is gonna sell great!” GM pulled back the hammer on the threat. … Continue reading “STAY THE FUCK BACK OR I’LL DO IT!” Yells GM, Clutching Threat of SUV to Corvette’s Head

Desperate Jaguar Confirms They Will Accept Small Favors, Shiny Stuff, Kohl’s Cash In Exchange for I-Pace

Admitting the existence of a promotion that was previously only a rumor, Jaguar confirmed to us in an email late Tuesday night that they would indeed accept favors, shiny objects, and store credit from Kohls as a down payment for the new I-Pace. The promotion comes after the vehicle’s sales have gone completely slack due to cheaper, superior competition from several automakers. In the email, … Continue reading Desperate Jaguar Confirms They Will Accept Small Favors, Shiny Stuff, Kohl’s Cash In Exchange for I-Pace

B/T Granted Exclusive Interview With 4 Year Old Consultant Who Designed Tesla Cybertruck

After an uneventful and uncontroversial unveiling of Tesla’s Cybertruck, B/T was granted an interview with the vehicle’s designer, Pat Hemmings. Hemmings, 4, has spent most of his life guiding crayons over construction paper in preparation for the monumental task. We sat down with him Friday to pick his brain about his magnum opus. “Mister Must came to the house and said he wanted a truck” … Continue reading B/T Granted Exclusive Interview With 4 Year Old Consultant Who Designed Tesla Cybertruck

Electric Mustang SUV Suddenly Seeming Pretty Reasonable

Following the reveal of Tesla’s angular new Cybertruck, the fierce debate surrounding the Mustang Mach-E has died down to a near whisper. Seeming to mirror the political climate of the day, the controversy has been completely eclipsed by a more pressing, uglier matter. We interviewed several people outside the LA Auto Show to get their take. “I mean, I wasn’t so sure about that electric … Continue reading Electric Mustang SUV Suddenly Seeming Pretty Reasonable

Slight Increase In Atmospheric Pressure Detected as Every Rivian Employee Breathes Sigh of Relief

PLYMOUTH, MICHIGAN–Citing the simultaneous relieved exhalations of more than a thousand Rivian employees, the National Weather Service claims to have recorded a slight increase in the barometric pressure around Plymouth, Michigan on Thursday evening. The massive sigh occurred after Tesla’s Cybertruck was apparently designed by Musk himself, in the dark, on a cocktail napkin, with a baby carrot dipped in thousand island dressing. Rivian, who … Continue reading Slight Increase In Atmospheric Pressure Detected as Every Rivian Employee Breathes Sigh of Relief

Tesla Unveils World’s First Pyramid Shaped Pyramid Scheme

LOS ANGELES– Surprising everybody and absolutely nobody at the same time, Tesla unveiled their new “Cybertruck” Thursday night and announced they would be taking $100 reservations. This seemed appropriate for the California company, who has previously been known to partake in selling things that may or may not actually exist. When we asked Elon Musk for comment about shaping their vehicle like a pyramid, he … Continue reading Tesla Unveils World’s First Pyramid Shaped Pyramid Scheme

Tesla Unveils Cybertruck by Shattering Its Windows With a Huge Ball Bearing While Elon Musk Giggles Nervously

LOS ANGELES–In one of the most bizarre automotive unveilings of all time, Elon Musk himself showed his new Cybertruck to the world late Thursday evening. The event, which we’re pretty certain at this point was not a dream, consisted of Musk and his chief designer beating the vehicle with a sledgehammer, and then shattering its windows. Musk began the event by touting the truck’s small … Continue reading Tesla Unveils Cybertruck by Shattering Its Windows With a Huge Ball Bearing While Elon Musk Giggles Nervously

Toyota Adds Left Lane Keep Assist To Prius

LOS ANGELES, CA — Making great strides in autonomous vehicle technology, Toyota announced at the Los Angeles auto show the Prius will now include a feature that helps drivers avoid venturing out of the left lane. “The system scans the road ahead and determines if there is an available lane to the driver’s left side,” a spokesperson said. “If a faster vehicle is approaching, it … Continue reading Toyota Adds Left Lane Keep Assist To Prius