Discarded Paper Towel that Once Absorbed Oil Leaking From a 1988 Porsche 911 Sells on Bring a Trailer for $65,000

FREMONT, CA — Symbolizing the exploding vintage Porsche collector market, a discarded two-ply Bounty paper towel that was once used to collect leaking oil from beneath a 1988 Porsche 911 Carrera S in Guards Red sold on Bring a Trailer last night for $65,000 plus site fees. The artifact includes official documentation from Porsche confirming the leaked oil stains on the paper towel indeed came … Continue reading Discarded Paper Towel that Once Absorbed Oil Leaking From a 1988 Porsche 911 Sells on Bring a Trailer for $65,000

GM Gives Up

DETROIT—Realizing everything the automaker does is in vain, General Motors announced in a press release Tuesday that the brand would no longer be doing anything related to cars ever again. “No, we’re not going out of business. Just don’t come into work tomorrow,” an email blast to the entire staff of the company read. “We’re going to start making pool floats, or pizza, or something. … Continue reading GM Gives Up

Cancel Culture Strikes Again: Ford to Rename Lincoln After Uncovering Dipshit Former President Didn’t Even Know What Cars Were

Citing a pushback from a Wikipedia article they just read, Ford has announced that the Lincoln brand will soon be no more. The news comes after researchers within Ford Motor Company discovered that President Lincoln, the namesake for the Lincoln brand of automobiles, had no idea what a car was. Not even a clue. “I mean, the closest thing to a car was like a … Continue reading Cancel Culture Strikes Again: Ford to Rename Lincoln After Uncovering Dipshit Former President Didn’t Even Know What Cars Were

Jaguar Plans to Re-Release XF Sportbrake Since Nobody Noticed The First Time

“I got it!” exclaimed Jr. Product Manager Jackie Smith while on Jaguar’s quarter product planning meeting Zoom Call. “Can you please mute your dog barking? Ok, thank you. I understand we’re looking to expand our product portfolio, but rather than another hybrid cross-over, what if we just re-release the XF Sportbrake? You know since nobody noticed the uhh first time.” Silence fell over the Zoom … Continue reading Jaguar Plans to Re-Release XF Sportbrake Since Nobody Noticed The First Time

Scientists Struggle to Find Missing Link in Evolutionary Chain Between Nissan IDX Concept, Everything They Actually Make

Perplexed by a gaping hole in the evolutionary tree, scientists worldwide are reportedly struggling to find the missing link between the Nissan IDx concept car from 2013 and everything the automaker currently sells a mere seven years later. “The models of today exhibit a massive departure from the traits of the IDx,” said a researcher, staring intently at a test tube. “We have proposed many … Continue reading Scientists Struggle to Find Missing Link in Evolutionary Chain Between Nissan IDX Concept, Everything They Actually Make

Ford Insists Scheduling Bronco Debut on O.J. Simpson’s Birthday Was Not Strategy to Further Postpone Long-Anticipated Launch

DETROIT — Defending themselves from allegations of insensitivity to cultural concerns, Ford announced last Saturday they have postponed the launch of the hotly anticipated new Bronco to a few days after O.J. Simpson’s birthday, and that they “swear we didn’t do this just to push the launch back more.” The announcement comes after repeated, substantial pushback of the Bronco’s reveal date. Issues ranging from the … Continue reading Ford Insists Scheduling Bronco Debut on O.J. Simpson’s Birthday Was Not Strategy to Further Postpone Long-Anticipated Launch

Lexus Debuts Hotly Anticipated 2014 IS

Showing off their latest entry in the decreasingly popular compact luxury sport sedan niche from seven years ago, Lexus unveiled their all-new 2014 IS sedan on Tuesday in a low-resolution Skype call. “Apologies for the delay — forgot my damn password,” said a spokesman at 8:14 P.M., fourteen minutes past the event’s scheduled start time. “Also, sorry if you can’t hear anything. My Internet connection … Continue reading Lexus Debuts Hotly Anticipated 2014 IS

Boomer Defending Late Model Cadillacs Having Tough Time Typing While Stroking It To Pictures of ’57 Chevys

An anonymous source from within a private Facebook group⁠ used to plan and post disgruntled Youtube comments ⁠has reported unsettling news. As a result of the extreme effort needed to simultaneously defend the poor value of vehicles like the Cadillac ELR and pleasure oneself to images of 1957 Tri-Five Chevrolets, baby boomers across the country are reporting difficulty doing both effectively. “I’m trying to spank … Continue reading Boomer Defending Late Model Cadillacs Having Tough Time Typing While Stroking It To Pictures of ’57 Chevys

NBCUniversal Purchases Screen Time on GM Infotainment Systems

NBCUniversal has announced that it will pay $3.2 billion to acquire viewing rights for infotainment screens across the entire GM lineup. Every new GM vehicle will now be required to show a certain amount of NBCUniversal content in order to pass state inspections. “You know those annoying ads being blasted out of gas pumps these days? Every car on the road has one of those … Continue reading NBCUniversal Purchases Screen Time on GM Infotainment Systems

Ed Bolian says Cannonball Record has Been Beaten 4,687 Times Since You Started Reading This

Trying to quiet his cellphone during our video interview, former Cannonball record holder and founder of VinWiki Ed Bolian told us that the cross-country record is currently being beaten once every tenth of a nanosecond, with no sign of slowing down. We attempted to ask him a few questions concerning the record in between breaks of him trying to tame his smartphone’s notifications. “One minute, … Continue reading Ed Bolian says Cannonball Record has Been Beaten 4,687 Times Since You Started Reading This