DEARBORN—In a press release Wednesday, Ford responded to criticisms about the new Focus not coming to the US, and continued to provide what they called, “Good news for enthusiasts everywhere”. “After receiving valuable feedback about the new fourth-generation Focus, we have made a decision to move forward with bringing it to North America. As of today, the new Focus and Focus ST will arrive in … Continue reading Ford Says The New Focus ST Will Come To The US As A Five Passenger, Automatic Crossover With Front Bench Seat

WASHINGTON—President Trump announced Monday that he will be placing a ban on all 8 cylinder engines that have more than one camshaft. Many are saying this is a move to hurt European automakers. At a press conference, the president explained his logic, reading from a teleprompter. “Today this country takes a monumental step forward in engine design. Starting Tuesday, we will be banning the import, … Continue reading President Trump Announces Ban On All V8 Engines With More Than One Camshaft

On Thursday, Amazon announced a new program featuring Grand Tour star James May. They say the new program will be several hours of Mister May sitting in an armchair and discussing engine lubrication systems. The team at bald.tires requested a sneak peak at the show, and although we can’t post it here, we can give you some details on the first few minutes. The show … Continue reading Amazon Announces Thirteen Hour Program Where James May Drinks Tea, Discusses The 100 Greatest Engine Lubrication Systems Of All Time

EDISON—After spending his lunch hitting on waitresses at Hooters, area bald asshole Richard Ferris made his weekly pilgrimage the local Chrysler Jeep Dodge dealership. As he was wandering around the lot, a Salesman approached him. “Looking for a new car sir?” The Salesman inquired. “Well I don’t know. My lease is up soon, and I’m not really sure what to get.” The salesmen took out … Continue reading Local Bald Asshole Struggling To Decide Between Buying Charger R/T Or Ram 1500

A black 2019 Trans-Am sits on an endless desert road. The only sound is the wind, when an engine spools up and fires. It’s idle is rough, but confident. Throttles open, and a sound rips through the air like the fabric of the sky is being torn apart. The engine revs and whistles as the car’s chassis torques. The clutch is dropped, and the car … Continue reading Pontiac Recalls Final Rowdy House Party When Recession Hit GM Like It’s Ninth Beer

LOS ANGELES— An automotive journalist from Motortrend is seated at his desk, writing up his road test of the new Kia Rio. As he finishes entering the cars specifications, he pauses. ‘How can I explain this?’ He thinks to himself. He rolls back from his keyboard and stares into space. He then rolls forward again. “The new Rio for 2019 is a nice car for … Continue reading Motortrend Journalist Struggling To Not Say, “Beater Appeal” Writing Road Test Of 2019 Kia Rio

SURREY—Zac Brown of Mclaren announced today that the team’s new Formula 1 car for 2019 will be, “Really bad.” and, “Actually like, complete shit.” Analysts at Autosport are saying that this is comparable to what Renault has said of this upcoming season. They claim that the 2019 season will be for “development”, and that championship contention will not be expected. Peter Windsor of Autosport says, … Continue reading In An Allegedly Subversive Move, McLaren Claims Their 2019 F1 Car Will Be, “Complete Shit”