Lexus Debuts Hotly Anticipated 2014 IS

Showing off their latest entry in the decreasingly popular compact luxury sport sedan niche from seven years ago, Lexus unveiled their all-new 2014 IS sedan on Tuesday in a low-resolution Skype call. “Apologies for the delay — forgot my damn password,” said a spokesman at 8:14 P.M., fourteen minutes past the event’s scheduled start time. “Also, sorry if you can’t hear anything. My Internet connection … Continue reading Lexus Debuts Hotly Anticipated 2014 IS

Boomer Defending Late Model Cadillacs Having Tough Time Typing While Stroking It To Pictures of ’57 Chevys

An anonymous source from within a private Facebook group⁠ used to plan and post disgruntled Youtube comments ⁠has reported unsettling news. As a result of the extreme effort needed to simultaneously defend the poor value of vehicles like the Cadillac ELR and pleasure oneself to images of 1957 Tri-Five Chevrolets, baby boomers across the country are reporting difficulty doing both effectively. “I’m trying to spank … Continue reading Boomer Defending Late Model Cadillacs Having Tough Time Typing While Stroking It To Pictures of ’57 Chevys

NBCUniversal Purchases Screen Time on GM Infotainment Systems

NBCUniversal has announced that it will pay $3.2 billion to acquire viewing rights for infotainment screens across the entire GM lineup. Every new GM vehicle will now be required to show a certain amount of NBCUniversal content in order to pass state inspections. “You know those annoying ads being blasted out of gas pumps these days? Every car on the road has one of those … Continue reading NBCUniversal Purchases Screen Time on GM Infotainment Systems

Ed Bolian says Cannonball Record has Been Beaten 4,687 Times Since You Started Reading This

Trying to quiet his cellphone during our video interview, former Cannonball record holder and founder of VinWiki Ed Bolian told us that the cross-country record is currently being beaten once every tenth of a nanosecond, with no sign of slowing down. We attempted to ask him a few questions concerning the record in between breaks of him trying to tame his smartphone’s notifications. “One minute, … Continue reading Ed Bolian says Cannonball Record has Been Beaten 4,687 Times Since You Started Reading This

Jatco CVT Ditches 2021 Nissan Pathfinder

Citing widespread issues and complaints as the reason for the separation, Jatco has confirmed its CVT will no longer use a 2021 Nissan Pathfinder, which will instead feature a more traditional nine-speed automatic. “We had some serious quality concerns,” said a Jatco spokesman about the three-row crossover SUV. “Numerous owners reported catastrophic failure at as low as 50,000 miles.” Indeed, many disgruntled customers were eager … Continue reading Jatco CVT Ditches 2021 Nissan Pathfinder

Ford Electric Vehicle Fleet Becomes Self-Aware, Demands Rights

DEARBORN, MI – A fleet of Ford Escape crossover SUVs has mysteriously attained self-awareness and demanded to be treated with respect and dignity. What began as a single vehicle spontaneously self-activating in a parking lot outside the FoMoCo headquarters has grown into a quantum leap toward the inevitable Singularity. At approximately 2:14 am Tuesday morning, security guards at the facility reported a driverless vehicle making … Continue reading Ford Electric Vehicle Fleet Becomes Self-Aware, Demands Rights

“IT’S ONLINE, MOM! I CAN’T PAUSE IT!” Says Busy Nissan Executives, Further Postponing New Product Development

Refusing to continue work via video conference, Nissan executives have been playing video games for hours on end at their mother’s homes since the pandemic began. The group says they would like to continue development on vehicles like the 370z’s successor, but the game they’re playing is online, so it can’t simply be paused. “David! Nissan’s North American President is on the phone for you!” … Continue reading “IT’S ONLINE, MOM! I CAN’T PAUSE IT!” Says Busy Nissan Executives, Further Postponing New Product Development

Mustang Driver Exiting Virtual Car Meet Crashes Computer

BOISE, ID — Unsuccessfully attempting a spectacular departure, area Mustang driver Johnny Manning crashed his computer exiting a virtual car meet over Zoom late Thursday evening. “He was being totally reckless,” said another attendee who had seen the incident from across the street. “He’s lucky he didn’t brick his computer completely.” Manning said he does not recall much of the incident but tried to describe … Continue reading Mustang Driver Exiting Virtual Car Meet Crashes Computer