“Just give them the GR Corolla so they shut up about the Yaris.” Says Disheveled Toyota Executive, Muting Himself on Zoom to Yell at His Children

“Bobby can you shut the fuck up? Daddy is on a call right now!” There was a brief silence in the Zoom call as everyone in the meeting waited for somebody to speak up and tell the tired executive that he was not muted. “Hey uhh… Gary, you gotta mute yourself when you say stuff like that.” said another Toyota employee, senior to Gary. “Oh, … Continue reading “Just give them the GR Corolla so they shut up about the Yaris.” Says Disheveled Toyota Executive, Muting Himself on Zoom to Yell at His Children

Report: Auto News Still Not as Slow as That Time a C8 Corvette’s Wheels Getting Stolen Was a Big Fucking Deal

Remembering that news could only get slower, we received an email from an anonymous auto journalist late Tuesday evening. The email, titled “it has been worse before” brought us back to a time when a C8 Corvette’s wheels being stolen in Detroit was covered at length by several automotive publications. “You guys remember that? Feels like years ago.” the anonymous journalist told us, recounting a … Continue reading Report: Auto News Still Not as Slow as That Time a C8 Corvette’s Wheels Getting Stolen Was a Big Fucking Deal

FIA to Replace Spectator-less French GP Grandstands with Hundred of Windmills to Appease Lewis Hamilton’s Love of the Fans

LE CASTELLET, FRANCE–Following news the French Grand Prix may be the first to take place in the wake of the global COVID-19 pandemic (albeit without an audience), the FIA has announced plans to erect hundreds of windmills in place of the usual human spectators at Circuit Paul Ricard. With the addition of these huge fans, the FIA hopes to coax the defending world champion into … Continue reading FIA to Replace Spectator-less French GP Grandstands with Hundred of Windmills to Appease Lewis Hamilton’s Love of the Fans

Nation Asks Murano CrossCabriolet Owners for Help Coping with Prolonged Social Isolation

Struggling to adjust to the current realities of daily life, the United States of America has collectively turned to a peculiar subset of its population–owners of Nissan Murano CrossCabriolets–for help coping with prolonged isolation from friends, peers, and loved ones. “We have to trust the experts,” a C.D.C. spokesperson said fervently. “These essential members of our society have far more experience with isolation and social … Continue reading Nation Asks Murano CrossCabriolet Owners for Help Coping with Prolonged Social Isolation

Elon Musk Concedes Model Y has Short Ground Clearance But Insists It’s “Actually more about how you use it”

Facing criticism concerning the Model Y’s ground clearance and off-road capabilities, Elon Musk made several defensive tweets Tuesday evening insisting that size isn’t everything. “The total length, however you want to measure it, is really not relevant,” Musk told users on Twitter. “It’s really more about the position the car finds itself in. There’s also other things involved in a pleasurable off-roading experience, like approach … Continue reading Elon Musk Concedes Model Y has Short Ground Clearance But Insists It’s “Actually more about how you use it”

Mazda Confirms Some Employee by Water Cooler May Have Mentioned Something About a Rotary Engine In Some Context Like Two Years Ago But They Were Hungover That Morning So They Aren’t Sure

In a conference call with the press early Wednesday morning, a representative from Mazda addressed rumors concerning their new rotary engine. With some reports saying it will power a car directly–while others say it’s just a range extender for EVs–the engine’s purpose and existence is still a mystery. “Yeah, woah. I’m so sorry you guys are so confused about that.” said Brad, the newly-hired PR … Continue reading Mazda Confirms Some Employee by Water Cooler May Have Mentioned Something About a Rotary Engine In Some Context Like Two Years Ago But They Were Hungover That Morning So They Aren’t Sure

Porsche Offers to Delay Payments for New Vehicles for as Long as Six Minutes

Offering incentives for customers affected by the pandemic to purchase the brand’s current offerings, Porsche announced Friday they are offering delayed payment plans on all new in-stock models for a period of up to six minutes from the date of acquisition. We spoke with local orthodontist Glenn Owens, who recently took advantage of the promotion. “I’ve been wanting a 911 for about 50 years now,” … Continue reading Porsche Offers to Delay Payments for New Vehicles for as Long as Six Minutes

GM Gutted as Plans to Make more Stupid Pre-Bailout Shit Delayed Another Decade

DETROIT–Upset with the economic ramifications concerning the COVID-19 pandemic, GM’s CEO Mary Barra held a press conference Thursday morning to share unfortunate news with the public. “We had a Trax SS going with a sideways LS.” said Barra, staring off into the distance as if shellshocked. She waited another moment, silent and unblinking as reporters badgered her with questions. She seemed completely unaware of the … Continue reading GM Gutted as Plans to Make more Stupid Pre-Bailout Shit Delayed Another Decade

Ford F250 Discontinued After Homophobic Tweets From 2007 Resurface on Vehicle’s Social Media

The first automobile to fall victim to cancel culture, the Ford F250 was discontinued late Sunday evening after tweets containing homophobic slurs were discovered on the truck’s social media account. Ford says they are “extremely sorry” about the incident and that, “No other Ford vehicles have ever uttered such offensive, hateful language.” The tweets–which have all since been deleted–made several crude and insensitive remarks pertaining … Continue reading Ford F250 Discontinued After Homophobic Tweets From 2007 Resurface on Vehicle’s Social Media

Quarantine Edition Camry Just Jerks You Off and Pours Shots

Resolving to maintain sales during the COVID-19 pandemic, Toyota plans to release a modified version of their popular Camry sedan called the “Quarantine edition”. Toyota sent us details of this new options package in the form of a heavily censored video late Sunday night. The video features the new Camry which comes from the factory without wheels. Toyota says the car will be delivered to … Continue reading Quarantine Edition Camry Just Jerks You Off and Pours Shots