Tesla Says New Autopilot Update Will Make It Even Easier To Watch Every Season Of The Big Bang Theory While Lounging Across The Back Seats On I-95

In a press release Thursday, Tesla announced that the latest version of autopilot will make it even easier then before to climb into the back seat, and enjoy every season of The Big Bang Theory while speeding down the highway. “With this new update, we give our users the freedom to stretch their legs, crack open a few cold ones, and watch their favorite TV … Continue reading Tesla Says New Autopilot Update Will Make It Even Easier To Watch Every Season Of The Big Bang Theory While Lounging Across The Back Seats On I-95

Tesla Spokesperson Denies Reports That Vehicles Are Constructed In Tent Because Company Is Lead By Clown

FREMONT— In a recent visit to Tesla’s tent factory in the desert near Fremont, a Tesla spokesperson has denied the notion that the massive tent in the desert is actually a circus being lead by a very wealthy clown. We were given a brief tour of the facilities to try and get to the bottom of the controversy. “You can see the paint area here.” … Continue reading Tesla Spokesperson Denies Reports That Vehicles Are Constructed In Tent Because Company Is Lead By Clown

Ford Says New EcoSport Crossover Can Comfortably Seat Five, Tow a Saturn V Rocket

DEARBORN— In a press release Tuesday, Ford released further details about the new EcoSport Crossover. “The new EcoSport comes equipped with a turbocharged one liter engine. You will notice the Nissan GT-R is also turbocharged.” It says. “Or an optional naturally aspirated two liter engine, which has similar power and torque to a built SR20.” “Both are capable of towing a Saturn V Rocket to … Continue reading Ford Says New EcoSport Crossover Can Comfortably Seat Five, Tow a Saturn V Rocket

Chevrolet Says They’re Bringing Back The Blazer Name To Milk The Fuck Out Of Anything It Has To Offer

DETROIT— In a press release last week, GM announced their reasoning for releasing the new Blazer. The press release is quoted as saying, “In releasing the new Blazer, we finally have the opportunity to market a crossover to middle aged men who used to have a Camaro when they were a teenager, and who’s wife won’t let them buy another.” The new Blazer will be … Continue reading Chevrolet Says They’re Bringing Back The Blazer Name To Milk The Fuck Out Of Anything It Has To Offer

Mitsubishi Announces New, “Please Just End It All, I Want To Die” Sales Event

Mitsubishi dealerships around the country announce today what every employee hopes is their final sales event. We went down to a local dealership to get the scoop. After approaching a salesman, we asked what the details of the event were. The salesman stated, “I mean we will finance fucking anybody.” After asking him to expand he said, “Doesn’t even have to be a person. Don’t … Continue reading Mitsubishi Announces New, “Please Just End It All, I Want To Die” Sales Event

FCA Says Lancia Will Keep Making Lifeless Appliances Until The Brand Learns From Inspiring A Generation Of Enthusiasts

TURIN, ITALY— After a bid by enthusiasts to revive the once legendary Lancia Stratos on the Alfa Romeo 4C platform, the Italian Automobile Conglomerate has made several comments regarding the request. “No.” said a spokesperson when questioned, “Lancia was once a great brand that made people happy and excited, and we simply cant have that.” he continued, “You know what would happen if we did … Continue reading FCA Says Lancia Will Keep Making Lifeless Appliances Until The Brand Learns From Inspiring A Generation Of Enthusiasts

Toyota Says Next Gen Camry Looks Like Axe Murderer During Rampage, Will Have More Standard Legroom Than Accord

NAGOYA, JAPAN— After visiting the Toyota design offices and conducting an interview with a spokesperson, we have details of the new 2020 Camry’s exterior styling. Asking what the design criteria for the new exterior was the spokesperson responded, “Well the first thing on our list was more exhaust tips of course. We wanted at least seven but the engineers talked us out of it. Said … Continue reading Toyota Says Next Gen Camry Looks Like Axe Murderer During Rampage, Will Have More Standard Legroom Than Accord