Jatco CVT Ditches 2021 Nissan Pathfinder

Citing widespread issues and complaints as the reason for the separation, Jatco has confirmed its CVT will no longer use a 2021 Nissan Pathfinder, which will instead feature a more traditional nine-speed automatic. “We had some serious quality concerns,” said a Jatco spokesman about the three-row crossover SUV. “Numerous owners reported catastrophic failure at as low as 50,000 miles.” Indeed, many disgruntled customers were eager … Continue reading Jatco CVT Ditches 2021 Nissan Pathfinder

Ford Electric Vehicle Fleet Becomes Self-Aware, Demands Rights

DEARBORN, MI – A fleet of Ford Escape crossover SUVs has mysteriously attained self-awareness and demanded to be treated with respect and dignity. What began as a single vehicle spontaneously self-activating in a parking lot outside the FoMoCo headquarters has grown into a quantum leap toward the inevitable Singularity. At approximately 2:14 am Tuesday morning, security guards at the facility reported a driverless vehicle making … Continue reading Ford Electric Vehicle Fleet Becomes Self-Aware, Demands Rights

“IT’S ONLINE, MOM! I CAN’T PAUSE IT!” Says Busy Nissan Executives, Further Postponing New Product Development

Refusing to continue work via video conference, Nissan executives have been playing video games for hours on end at their mother’s homes since the pandemic began. The group says they would like to continue development on vehicles like the 370z’s successor, but the game they’re playing is online, so it can’t simply be paused. “David! Nissan’s North American President is on the phone for you!” … Continue reading “IT’S ONLINE, MOM! I CAN’T PAUSE IT!” Says Busy Nissan Executives, Further Postponing New Product Development

Mustang Driver Exiting Virtual Car Meet Crashes Computer

BOISE, ID — Unsuccessfully attempting a spectacular departure, area Mustang driver Johnny Manning crashed his computer exiting a virtual car meet over Zoom late Thursday evening. “He was being totally reckless,” said another attendee who had seen the incident from across the street. “He’s lucky he didn’t brick his computer completely.” Manning said he does not recall much of the incident but tried to describe … Continue reading Mustang Driver Exiting Virtual Car Meet Crashes Computer

BMW 4 Series Severely Disfigured in Horrific Marketing Accident

Suffering from debilitating, graphic injuries, the newly redesigned 2021 BMW 4 Series emerged severely disfigured from a horrific marketing accident at the German automaker’s headquarters earlier this year. “We barely recognize the poor thing,” a BMW spokesperson said somberly. “It’s still the same car on the inside, but sadly life will never be the same for it.” The vehicle’s fascia suffered major lacerations, resulting in … Continue reading BMW 4 Series Severely Disfigured in Horrific Marketing Accident

“What did the press say was wrong with the last dozen models?” Inquires Cadillac Employee, Hammering Sixteenth Material Into CT5 Dashboard with Roofing Nails

“They said the interior was bad?” a Cadillac employee on the assembly line asked his shift manager, picking up a few loose nails from the seat next to him and holding them in his mouth. “Yeah, I have no idea why they would get that impression, though.” The employee shook his head in disbelief and lined up a nail on top of a piece of … Continue reading “What did the press say was wrong with the last dozen models?” Inquires Cadillac Employee, Hammering Sixteenth Material Into CT5 Dashboard with Roofing Nails

“Just give them the GR Corolla so they shut up about the Yaris.” Says Disheveled Toyota Executive, Muting Himself on Zoom to Yell at His Children

“Bobby can you shut the fuck up? Daddy is on a call right now!” There was a brief silence in the Zoom call as everyone in the meeting waited for somebody to speak up and tell the tired executive that he was not muted. “Hey uhh… Gary, you gotta mute yourself when you say stuff like that.” said another Toyota employee, senior to Gary. “Oh, … Continue reading “Just give them the GR Corolla so they shut up about the Yaris.” Says Disheveled Toyota Executive, Muting Himself on Zoom to Yell at His Children

Report: Auto News Still Not as Slow as That Time a C8 Corvette’s Wheels Getting Stolen Was a Big Fucking Deal

Remembering that news could only get slower, we received an email from an anonymous auto journalist late Tuesday evening. The email, titled “it has been worse before” brought us back to a time when a C8 Corvette’s wheels being stolen in Detroit was covered at length by several automotive publications. “You guys remember that? Feels like years ago.” the anonymous journalist told us, recounting a … Continue reading Report: Auto News Still Not as Slow as That Time a C8 Corvette’s Wheels Getting Stolen Was a Big Fucking Deal