Domino’s Enters Automotive Fray by Releasing Electric Crossover with Fucked Up Cheese All Over the Goddamn Box

ANN ARBOR, MICHIGAN–Entering an extremely competitive segment of the automotive landscape, Domino’s Pizza joined the car business early Wednesday morning after unveiling an in-house electric crossover at their Midwest headquarters. The compact vehicle–dressed in trademark Domino’s livery–will allegedly come with standard features such as a 22″ touchscreen, a hands-free liftgate, and fucked up cheese that slid off the pizza during transit and solidified in the … Continue reading Domino’s Enters Automotive Fray by Releasing Electric Crossover with Fucked Up Cheese All Over the Goddamn Box

Ken Block’s Gym/Climb/Ski/Run-Khana 43 Under Production at Abandoned Russian Village Inside Chernobyl Exclusion Zone

Ken Block has found another angle to his tried and true Gymkhana videos, and plans to take his 2800 hp Pratt & Whitney radial engine powered Renault Twingo into a radioactive zone. To add to the drama, the area is currently under the control of armed Russian separatists. We asked Block, now 77 years old, if he thought he could ever push the envelope too … Continue reading Ken Block’s Gym/Climb/Ski/Run-Khana 43 Under Production at Abandoned Russian Village Inside Chernobyl Exclusion Zone

Levitating Doug DeMuro Wearing Fifty T-Shirts Achieves Nirvana After Reviewing Oscar Meyer Wienermobile

Hovering fifty feet above the ground with his eyes glowing an intense shade of crimson, Doug DeMuro achieved a state of Nirvana Wednesday afternoon, declaring, “I HAVE DONE IT.” The popular automotive journalist then began to vaporize nearby parked cars with laser beams emanating from his eyes. The destruction was punctuated by exclamations of “THIS!” in the tone typical of his video’s introductions, but also … Continue reading Levitating Doug DeMuro Wearing Fifty T-Shirts Achieves Nirvana After Reviewing Oscar Meyer Wienermobile

MINI Clinches Gold Medal in Mental Gymnastics After Releasing CRV Sized Countryman

MINI, the British-themed subsidiary of BMW specializing in small cars, received the gold medal for mental gymnastics early Sunday evening after inching out Ford’s new Mustang Mach-E. The duo was joined on the podium by the Hyundai Venue, which despite being a ‘crossover’, has no business anywhere but on a bone-dry city street. The competition took place in Paris, a part of the auto industry’s … Continue reading MINI Clinches Gold Medal in Mental Gymnastics After Releasing CRV Sized Countryman

Chevy Suburban Only Fourth-Most Facelifted Recipient Of Star On Hollywood Walk Of Fame

LOS ANGELES, CA — Uprooting a longstanding tradition and hierarchy, the Chevrolet Suburban recently became the fourth-most-plasticky recipient of a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. “The top five spots have been uncontested for decades,” said a reporter for the Los Angeles Times. “We predicted a long, long time would pass before someone — or something — with this much plastic inside would get a … Continue reading Chevy Suburban Only Fourth-Most Facelifted Recipient Of Star On Hollywood Walk Of Fame

Report: Automaker Just One Terrible Business Decision Away From Performance Car Of The Decade

Signifying the end of the 2010s with a superlatively performing machine, a report published Tuesday indicated the automotive industry is just one awful business decision away from creating what is expected to be celebrated as the performance car of the decade. “This car will be a hit with auto journalists all over the world,” a reporter said. “They can expect to easily sell fifty of … Continue reading Report: Automaker Just One Terrible Business Decision Away From Performance Car Of The Decade

Millennials Buying Crossovers Cashing In On Suddenly Accessible Remote Alpine Cottages

Realizing there ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no valley low enough, and ain’t no river wide enough (to keep them from going literally anywhere), young crossover buyers have been cashing in on remote cabins nestled high in the snowy mountains. This phenomenon is due to the increased ride height and plastic cladding of these vehicles, which clearly indicates they are ready for absolutely anything. … Continue reading Millennials Buying Crossovers Cashing In On Suddenly Accessible Remote Alpine Cottages

Study Finds Outgoing Model Better Than Not-Yet-Released Successor

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Providing a scientific basis for a popular perspective, a study conducted at Harvard University concluded that, for all cars, the currently outgoing model is superior to its upcoming replacement. “We initially formed our hypothesis from field observation,” a researcher said. “We noticed a pattern forming: the MK4 and MK5 Supra, the growing Mini Cooper, and the Corvette’s shift to a mid-engined layout.” … Continue reading Study Finds Outgoing Model Better Than Not-Yet-Released Successor

Elon Musk Confirms Tesla Semi-Truck Stops Will Have Rapid Charging, Great Food, Smoking Hot Robot Hookers

Although the timeline for Tesla’s semi-truck is uncertain, Elon Musk announced on this morning that the California company would also be constructing hundreds of truck stops. Musk stressed the stops would have all of the modern amenities truck drivers demand, as well as some new twists. We contacted Musk for an interview over the phone, and he promptly accepted. “We have Guy Fieri making a … Continue reading Elon Musk Confirms Tesla Semi-Truck Stops Will Have Rapid Charging, Great Food, Smoking Hot Robot Hookers

Car Vlogger’s Prose and Diction Meant to Carefully Mimic the Delicate Fruity Undertones of Bud Light

Citing a taste for the finer things in life, an popular Youtube car Vlogger emailed us Sunday to give a peek into his writing process. He insisted on remaining anonymous.  “Most places just get it all wrong.” “Petrolicious makes a video that can capture an entire car’s spirit in like, three minutes. Why the fuck would you want to do that?” “Listen to this. C8 … Continue reading Car Vlogger’s Prose and Diction Meant to Carefully Mimic the Delicate Fruity Undertones of Bud Light