Christian Horner Says Losing Daniel Ricciardo Was Vital Part Of Plan To Have Ugliest Drivers On The Grid

MILTON KEYNES—In an interview Sunday at Red Bull’s headquarters, Christian Horner informed us that he was not at all worried about losing Ricciardo for the 2019 season. This comes after the Australian left the team in favor of joining the French outfit, Renault. “It was all part of the plan, you see.” What plan was that? “Well don’t be stupid. Look at those boys now. … Continue reading Christian Horner Says Losing Daniel Ricciardo Was Vital Part Of Plan To Have Ugliest Drivers On The Grid

Chrysler Announces New ‘West Philly’ Package 300

AUBURN HILLS—Chrysler announced Monday that they will be releasing a special edition of the 300 that will only be sold in West Philadelphia. As opposed to their ‘300C’ or ‘300S’ models, Chrysler claims this new model will be called the ‘300J’. J they say, stands for “jawn”. Although 21″ wheels are standard, the “three hundred jawn” can come optionally with vastly larger wheel arches to … Continue reading Chrysler Announces New ‘West Philly’ Package 300

Sticker Installation Shop Facing Closure After Subaru Lineup Gets More Boring Every Year

FAIR LAWN—After hearing of their financial troubles, we went to our local sticker installation shop to see what is causing the slow business. We interviewed the shop owner with a few prepared questions. What sort of people typically come in to get stickers installed? “Well, mostly kids. Also, adults that still act like kids. Those sort of people. They are sort of car people, but … Continue reading Sticker Installation Shop Facing Closure After Subaru Lineup Gets More Boring Every Year

Ford Says The New Focus ST Will Come To The US As A Five Passenger, Automatic Crossover With Front Bench Seat

DEARBORN—In a press release Wednesday, Ford responded to criticisms about the new Focus not coming to the US, and continued to provide what they called, “Good news for enthusiasts everywhere”. “After receiving valuable feedback about the new fourth-generation Focus, we have made a decision to move forward with bringing it to North America. As of today, the new Focus and Focus ST will arrive in … Continue reading Ford Says The New Focus ST Will Come To The US As A Five Passenger, Automatic Crossover With Front Bench Seat

President Trump Announces Ban On All V8 Engines With More Than One Camshaft

WASHINGTON—President Trump announced Monday that he will be placing a ban on all 8 cylinder engines that have more than one camshaft. Many are saying this is a move to hurt European automakers. At a press conference, the president explained his logic, reading from a teleprompter. “Today this country takes a monumental step forward in engine design. Starting Tuesday, we will be banning the import, … Continue reading President Trump Announces Ban On All V8 Engines With More Than One Camshaft

Amazon Announces Thirteen Hour Program Where James May Drinks Tea, Discusses The 100 Greatest Engine Lubrication Systems Of All Time

On Thursday, Amazon announced a new program featuring Grand Tour star James May. They say the new program will be several hours of Mister May sitting in an armchair and discussing engine lubrication systems. The team at bald.tires requested a sneak peak at the show, and although we can’t post it here, we can give you some details on the first few minutes. The show … Continue reading Amazon Announces Thirteen Hour Program Where James May Drinks Tea, Discusses The 100 Greatest Engine Lubrication Systems Of All Time

Local Bald Asshole Struggling To Decide Between Buying Charger R/T Or Ram 1500

EDISON—After spending his lunch hitting on waitresses at Hooters, area bald asshole Richard Ferris made his weekly pilgrimage the local Chrysler Jeep Dodge dealership. As he was wandering around the lot, a Salesman approached him. “Looking for a new car sir?” The Salesman inquired. “Well I don’t know. My lease is up soon, and I’m not really sure what to get.” The salesmen took out … Continue reading Local Bald Asshole Struggling To Decide Between Buying Charger R/T Or Ram 1500