Exquisite Collector’s 2003 Corvette One Of Just 97,641,935 Produced In Red

FORT WORTH, TX — Having acquired an immensely rare combination of color and model year, local car collector Don Bryanton was reported to own one of just ninety-seven million, six hundred forty-one thousand, nine hundred thirty-five examples of the 2003 Chevrolet Corvette finished in “Red” from the factory. “She’s a real one-of-a-kind,” he told us in an interview, affectionately patting the car’s roof a few … Continue reading Exquisite Collector’s 2003 Corvette One Of Just 97,641,935 Produced In Red

Cadillac Announces New, “Please fuck off, we are trying.” Ad Campaign

DETROIT—After receiving mixed feedback at the release of the new CT5-V and CT4-V, Cadillac has announced a new ad campaign aimed at receiving pity from prospective buyers and enthusiasts. We arrived in Detroit Monday morning to get a briefing from a Cadillac spokesperson about the new initiative. When we arrived we were seated at a desk in one of their engineering offices, with a seemingly … Continue reading Cadillac Announces New, “Please fuck off, we are trying.” Ad Campaign

B/T Reviews: The 2019 Mazda Miata, 1300 Miles Worth Of Southern Germany

My girlfriend decided to do a semester abroad in Cologne, Germany. When she told me she was doing this, I planned on visiting. When I planned on visiting, I planned on renting a car. I drive stick every day, which turned out to be good. My only options without driving stick were some flavor of Citroen or Peugeot hatchback (according to the SIXT website). You … Continue reading B/T Reviews: The 2019 Mazda Miata, 1300 Miles Worth Of Southern Germany

McLaren GT Capable Of Reaching 60 MPH, Obsolescence Faster Than Rivals

WOKING, UK — Ushering in a brief new era of performance, McLaren confirmed that its new GT supercar will reach 60 mph and complete obsolescence quicker than any of its rivals. We sat down with a spokesperson for details.  “It’s quicker to 60 miles an hour than the F1, and the tech features will be rendered totally defunct in as little as one year.” The … Continue reading McLaren GT Capable Of Reaching 60 MPH, Obsolescence Faster Than Rivals

Niki Lauda, “Honestly, unimpressed.” With Heaven Grand Prix Circuit

HEAVEN—According to sources, Niki Lauda is not impressed at all with the quality of the circuit provided to him in heaven. “Turn three is a mess, not fast enough for aero and not slow enough for mechanical grip.” He took off his sunglasses. “It’s bullshit.” God looked at him stunned as they both walked the track. “Your back straight is fine, hard to mess that … Continue reading Niki Lauda, “Honestly, unimpressed.” With Heaven Grand Prix Circuit

Americans Requesting Uber In U.K. Suddenly Aware They Have No Fucking Idea What A Ford Galaxy Is

NEWCASTLE—Still slightly surprised Uber was a thing in the U.K., but unsure why it wouldn’t be simultaneously, Americans Donald Walters and Robert Johnson found themselves confused early Monday morning after ordering an Uber. Both men were sent into a slight panic after realizing neither of them knew what a Ford Galaxy actually was. “Your Uber will arrive in three minutes, in a green Ford…. Galaxy. … Continue reading Americans Requesting Uber In U.K. Suddenly Aware They Have No Fucking Idea What A Ford Galaxy Is

Car Enthusiasts Pissed That Reviews Of 2020 Toyota Supra Generally Favorable

UNITED STATES — Following the removal of the press embargo last Sunday, car enthusiasts nationwide were reported to be pretty pissed off that the reviews of the fifth-generation Toyota Supra have generally been favorable. Several automotive journalists have extended praise to the Supra’s only available transmission, which is an eight-speed automatic and uses a traditional torque converter. The gearbox has been dubbed responsive, quick, and … Continue reading Car Enthusiasts Pissed That Reviews Of 2020 Toyota Supra Generally Favorable

U.S. Customs Will Now Check All European Hatchbacks For Plastic Cladding, 3″ Lift At Border

According to reports by auto manufacturers, U.S. customs will now ensure that all European hatchbacks entering at American ports will be equipped with ‘necessary’ plastic cladding and a 3″ lift. Customs says this measure is not meant to upset enthusiasts, but to, “Ensure the survival of hatchbacks entering the United States”. We visited Port Elizabeth in New Jersey to get the news first hand from … Continue reading U.S. Customs Will Now Check All European Hatchbacks For Plastic Cladding, 3″ Lift At Border

Subaru Forester Owner Not Huge Fan Of Beer You Ordered

PORTLAND, OR — Expressing disdain for the beverage’s malty undertones, local Subaru Forester owner Garrett Smith proclaimed that he, in fact, is not a fan of the particular beer you chose to order, according to sources. “I had to tell him. That beer is just terrible,” Smith said after ensuring the topmost button of his red buffalo-checked flannel shirt was securely fastened. “The head is … Continue reading Subaru Forester Owner Not Huge Fan Of Beer You Ordered

Mercedes Kills Smart Brand In US After Realizing It Was A Shitty Car Only Suckers Bought

ATLANTA—Mercedes sent out a press release Monday announcing the Smart brand of vehicles is being discontinued in the United States. We asked for more information about the decision, and were invited to their U.S. Headquarters in Atlanta. “We realized we would have to make a decision after a visit from some of our colleagues from Stuttgart. One of them commented on how large roads and … Continue reading Mercedes Kills Smart Brand In US After Realizing It Was A Shitty Car Only Suckers Bought