BMW 4 Series Severely Disfigured in Horrific Marketing Accident

Suffering from debilitating, graphic injuries, the newly redesigned 2021 BMW 4 Series emerged severely disfigured from a horrific marketing accident at the German automaker’s headquarters earlier this year. “We barely recognize the poor thing,” a BMW spokesperson said somberly. “It’s still the same car on the inside, but sadly life will never be the same for it.” The vehicle’s fascia suffered major lacerations, resulting in … Continue reading BMW 4 Series Severely Disfigured in Horrific Marketing Accident

“What did the press say was wrong with the last dozen models?” Inquires Cadillac Employee, Hammering Sixteenth Material Into CT5 Dashboard with Roofing Nails

“They said the interior was bad?” a Cadillac employee on the assembly line asked his shift manager, picking up a few loose nails from the seat next to him and holding them in his mouth. “Yeah, I have no idea why they would get that impression, though.” The employee shook his head in disbelief and lined up a nail on top of a piece of … Continue reading “What did the press say was wrong with the last dozen models?” Inquires Cadillac Employee, Hammering Sixteenth Material Into CT5 Dashboard with Roofing Nails

“Just give them the GR Corolla so they shut up about the Yaris.” Says Disheveled Toyota Executive, Muting Himself on Zoom to Yell at His Children

“Bobby can you shut the fuck up? Daddy is on a call right now!” There was a brief silence in the Zoom call as everyone in the meeting waited for somebody to speak up and tell the tired executive that he was not muted. “Hey uhh… Gary, you gotta mute yourself when you say stuff like that.” said another Toyota employee, senior to Gary. “Oh, … Continue reading “Just give them the GR Corolla so they shut up about the Yaris.” Says Disheveled Toyota Executive, Muting Himself on Zoom to Yell at His Children

Report: Auto News Still Not as Slow as That Time a C8 Corvette’s Wheels Getting Stolen Was a Big Fucking Deal

Remembering that news could only get slower, we received an email from an anonymous auto journalist late Tuesday evening. The email, titled “it has been worse before” brought us back to a time when a C8 Corvette’s wheels being stolen in Detroit was covered at length by several automotive publications. “You guys remember that? Feels like years ago.” the anonymous journalist told us, recounting a … Continue reading Report: Auto News Still Not as Slow as That Time a C8 Corvette’s Wheels Getting Stolen Was a Big Fucking Deal

FIA to Replace Spectator-less French GP Grandstands with Hundred of Windmills to Appease Lewis Hamilton’s Love of the Fans

LE CASTELLET, FRANCE–Following news the French Grand Prix may be the first to take place in the wake of the global COVID-19 pandemic (albeit without an audience), the FIA has announced plans to erect hundreds of windmills in place of the usual human spectators at Circuit Paul Ricard. With the addition of these huge fans, the FIA hopes to coax the defending world champion into … Continue reading FIA to Replace Spectator-less French GP Grandstands with Hundred of Windmills to Appease Lewis Hamilton’s Love of the Fans

Nation Asks Murano CrossCabriolet Owners for Help Coping with Prolonged Social Isolation

Struggling to adjust to the current realities of daily life, the United States of America has collectively turned to a peculiar subset of its population–owners of Nissan Murano CrossCabriolets–for help coping with prolonged isolation from friends, peers, and loved ones. “We have to trust the experts,” a C.D.C. spokesperson said fervently. “These essential members of our society have far more experience with isolation and social … Continue reading Nation Asks Murano CrossCabriolet Owners for Help Coping with Prolonged Social Isolation

Elon Musk Concedes Model Y has Short Ground Clearance But Insists It’s “Actually more about how you use it”

Facing criticism concerning the Model Y’s ground clearance and off-road capabilities, Elon Musk made several defensive tweets Tuesday evening insisting that size isn’t everything. “The total length, however you want to measure it, is really not relevant,” Musk told users on Twitter. “It’s really more about the position the car finds itself in. There’s also other things involved in a pleasurable off-roading experience, like approach … Continue reading Elon Musk Concedes Model Y has Short Ground Clearance But Insists It’s “Actually more about how you use it”

Mazda Confirms Some Employee by Water Cooler May Have Mentioned Something About a Rotary Engine In Some Context Like Two Years Ago But They Were Hungover That Morning So They Aren’t Sure

In a conference call with the press early Wednesday morning, a representative from Mazda addressed rumors concerning their new rotary engine. With some reports saying it will power a car directly–while others say it’s just a range extender for EVs–the engine’s purpose and existence is still a mystery. “Yeah, woah. I’m so sorry you guys are so confused about that.” said Brad, the newly-hired PR … Continue reading Mazda Confirms Some Employee by Water Cooler May Have Mentioned Something About a Rotary Engine In Some Context Like Two Years Ago But They Were Hungover That Morning So They Aren’t Sure

Porsche Offers to Delay Payments for New Vehicles for as Long as Six Minutes

Offering incentives for customers affected by the pandemic to purchase the brand’s current offerings, Porsche announced Friday they are offering delayed payment plans on all new in-stock models for a period of up to six minutes from the date of acquisition. We spoke with local orthodontist Glenn Owens, who recently took advantage of the promotion. “I’ve been wanting a 911 for about 50 years now,” … Continue reading Porsche Offers to Delay Payments for New Vehicles for as Long as Six Minutes

GM Gutted as Plans to Make more Stupid Pre-Bailout Shit Delayed Another Decade

DETROIT–Upset with the economic ramifications concerning the COVID-19 pandemic, GM’s CEO Mary Barra held a press conference Thursday morning to share unfortunate news with the public. “We had a Trax SS going with a sideways LS.” said Barra, staring off into the distance as if shellshocked. She waited another moment, silent and unblinking as reporters badgered her with questions. She seemed completely unaware of the … Continue reading GM Gutted as Plans to Make more Stupid Pre-Bailout Shit Delayed Another Decade