Honda Dealerships Offering Free Listless Apathy With Purchase Of New CR-V

Honda announced this week that it will start offering free listless apathy with the purchase of any new CR-V. We asked Honda to elaborate on a half-finished press release, but the press representative we spoke with seemed totally uninterested as they described the new “sea of beige” package being offered. “We know who buys these things… We thought we’d just cut to the chase and … Continue reading Honda Dealerships Offering Free Listless Apathy With Purchase Of New CR-V

I Traveled To The Oort Cloud To Pick Up My Dream Car: A 1994 Toyota Tercel In Bare Primer

My dream car has always been a Tercel. Why? Well, let me tell you a story. I remember the first and last time driving in my Dad’s Tercel. We were merging onto the highway when the Tercel’s three speed automatic slammed the car into third gear, like two trains colliding at mach three. I can still remember my dad yelling, “FUCK!” as we ran over … Continue reading I Traveled To The Oort Cloud To Pick Up My Dream Car: A 1994 Toyota Tercel In Bare Primer

BMW Owners Panic As Automaker Unveils Subscription Service For Horn

MUNICH– BMW today announced an addition to their growing list of in-car subscriptions. As well as Apple CarPlay and adaptive headlights, the German brand will now be charging for a coveted asset utilized frequently by BMW owners; The horn. We reached several current owners and prospective buyers for comment. In addition to Apple CarPlay and adaptive headlights, the German brand will now be charging for … Continue reading BMW Owners Panic As Automaker Unveils Subscription Service For Horn

General Motors Admits They Have Zero Fucking Clue What ‘Initial Quality’ Means

DETROIT, MI — Conceding ignorance of an award they have repeatedly flaunted, General Motors announced Monday they have “absolutely no fucking idea” what J.D. Power’s ‘Initial Quality’ award signifies. “The first time we heard J.D. Power gave us the award, we were confused, but we decided to run with it,” said Mary Barra, chairperson and CEO of General Motors, “but now, they keep giving us … Continue reading General Motors Admits They Have Zero Fucking Clue What ‘Initial Quality’ Means

Mitsubishi Says Next Gen Mirage Inspired By That Pile of Disgusting Black Snow On The Shoulder Of The Interstate Still Lingering Thirteen Days After A Blizzard

´╗┐Mitsubishi went to some dark places when looking for inspiration for the next generation Mirage, says Mitsubishi chief designer Alessandro Dambrosio. B/T had the chance to catch up with Alessandro recently over black coffee and dry toast. His appearance was disheveled with an air of desperate helplessness. When we asked how the new Mirage was coming along, he went on to explain the apathy and … Continue reading Mitsubishi Says Next Gen Mirage Inspired By That Pile of Disgusting Black Snow On The Shoulder Of The Interstate Still Lingering Thirteen Days After A Blizzard

Crusty Subaru EJ Spotted Drinking PBR, Heckling Local Whippersnappers From Front Porch

BURLINGTON– Sources in and around the small city of Burlington, Vermont have recently reported seeing a 2.5 liter EJ harassing other engines from its decrepit front porch. Local police say that although the motor may be disturbing locals with its unusual exhaust note and disruptive antics, it is free to drink on its own property. B/T was on the scene interviewing a four cylinder B48 … Continue reading Crusty Subaru EJ Spotted Drinking PBR, Heckling Local Whippersnappers From Front Porch

Bugatti Unveils New One-Off Hypercar That Should Be A Big Deal But You Couldn’t Give A Shit About

Recently, the results of a focus group hired by Bugatti was leaked to B/T. The content of these leaked documents was interesting, but at the same time unsurprising. “So I’ll never be able to buy it, I’ll only ever see it in pictures, I can’t sit in it, listen to it, or even watch it drive by in passing.” “Why would I care about a … Continue reading Bugatti Unveils New One-Off Hypercar That Should Be A Big Deal But You Couldn’t Give A Shit About

Mclaren CEO Wakes Up In Cold Sweat After Third C8 Corvette Nightmare This Week

“I have sixty grand in my pocket right now to spend on a new car, you’re telling me you can’t do anything for me?” The Mclaren dealership employee began to get nervous. “W-well no. The cheapest car we have is the 540c, and that’s $165,000.” “And that’s SLOWER than the new Corvette to sixty, right? Like, a LOT slower. Like HALF a SECOND slower. Right?” … Continue reading Mclaren CEO Wakes Up In Cold Sweat After Third C8 Corvette Nightmare This Week

Eighteen Stops In A Houston Area School Bus With Fifty-Seven Screaming Children: Chris Harris Drives

Late Thursday night B/T received an anonymous email titled “Chris Harris Bus Review”. The email had no body, only a short video sent as an attachment. We watched it and were amazed at what we saw. The video opened with a shot of a school bus, gradually making its way down a sunny suburban lane. The video then cuts to a view of Chris Harris, … Continue reading Eighteen Stops In A Houston Area School Bus With Fifty-Seven Screaming Children: Chris Harris Drives

Mercedes Introduces Quasi-AMG Trim Level Of Coupe Version Of SUV Variant Of Four-Door Coupe Variety Of Two-Door Coupe Version Of E-Class Sedan

GENEVA — Taking great care to compete in the infinitesimally small market niche, Mercedes announced Friday they will soon unveil an AMG 53 variant of the coupe SUV based on the four-door coupe version of the two-door coupe version of the popular E-Class sedan. “The new model will be called the Mercedes-AMG GCLS 53 Coupe 4Matic Edition One Designo Package,” a spokesperson proudly declared. “It … Continue reading Mercedes Introduces Quasi-AMG Trim Level Of Coupe Version Of SUV Variant Of Four-Door Coupe Variety Of Two-Door Coupe Version Of E-Class Sedan