Elon Musk Confirms Tesla Semi-Truck Stops Will Have Rapid Charging, Great Food, Smoking Hot Robot Hookers

Although the timeline for Tesla’s semi-truck is uncertain, Elon Musk announced on this morning that the California company would also be constructing hundreds of truck stops. Musk stressed the stops would have all of the modern amenities truck drivers demand, as well as some new twists. We contacted Musk for an interview over the phone, and he promptly accepted. “We have Guy Fieri making a … Continue reading Elon Musk Confirms Tesla Semi-Truck Stops Will Have Rapid Charging, Great Food, Smoking Hot Robot Hookers

Car Vlogger’s Prose and Diction Meant to Carefully Mimic the Delicate Fruity Undertones of Bud Light

Citing a taste for the finer things in life, an popular Youtube car Vlogger emailed us Sunday to give a peek into his writing process. He insisted on remaining anonymous.  “Most places just get it all wrong.” “Petrolicious makes a video that can capture an entire car’s spirit in like, three minutes. Why the fuck would you want to do that?” “Listen to this. C8 … Continue reading Car Vlogger’s Prose and Diction Meant to Carefully Mimic the Delicate Fruity Undertones of Bud Light

Local College Student Attends First ‘Cars and Coffee’ Without a Hangover

Local college student Anthony Green rolled over in his bed Sunday morning to discover it was 6:45am. He’d spent the previous night sober, which was a first. As he scrolled through his phone, Anthony remembered there was a Cars and Coffee today, and for the first time it didn’t feel like there was somebody standing on his head. After walking outside to the oil-stained spot … Continue reading Local College Student Attends First ‘Cars and Coffee’ Without a Hangover

Tesla Posts Strongest Profits Ever After Unveiling Own Brand of In-House Kool-Aid

Flexing their muscles after a strong quarter, Tesla announced record profits Tuesday afternoon as the brand released it’s own spin-off of the powdered Kool-Aid beverage. Although many in the automotive media have known of its existence for some time, it has never before taken actual physical form. According to Teslarati.com, the beverage does not taste like much of anything, but other publications said it gave … Continue reading Tesla Posts Strongest Profits Ever After Unveiling Own Brand of In-House Kool-Aid

Internet Worried as Engineering Explained Posts Manic, Seven Hour Video Titled, “Magnets”

Seeming frantic & excited, Jason Fenske, custodian of the internet’s most controversial haircut and host of Youtube’s Engineering Explained, posted a barely edited, fast paced video early Tuesday evening. The video, in which Fenkse claimed he had, “figured it out”, and insisted the viewer refer to him as “cobra” has since been taken down. The only surviving record is a summary recorded by a viewer. … Continue reading Internet Worried as Engineering Explained Posts Manic, Seven Hour Video Titled, “Magnets”

“STAY THE FUCK BACK OR I’LL DO IT!” Yells GM, Clutching Threat of SUV to Corvette’s Head

“Come on, GM! Remember the CTS-V? That was a good car! Wasn’t an SUV either!” GM seemed uneffected by the voice from the megaphone, and continued to restrain the Corvette. “I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE BRAND IMAGE I WANT THE MONEY!” “You don’t need the money!” the automotive community responded. “The new C8 is gonna sell great!” GM pulled back the hammer on the threat. … Continue reading “STAY THE FUCK BACK OR I’LL DO IT!” Yells GM, Clutching Threat of SUV to Corvette’s Head

Desperate Jaguar Confirms They Will Accept Small Favors, Shiny Stuff, Kohl’s Cash In Exchange for I-Pace

Admitting the existence of a promotion that was previously only a rumor, Jaguar confirmed to us in an email late Tuesday night that they would indeed accept favors, shiny objects, and store credit from Kohls as a down payment for the new I-Pace. The promotion comes after the vehicle’s sales have gone completely slack due to cheaper, superior competition from several automakers. In the email, … Continue reading Desperate Jaguar Confirms They Will Accept Small Favors, Shiny Stuff, Kohl’s Cash In Exchange for I-Pace

B/T Granted Exclusive Interview With 4 Year Old Consultant Who Designed Tesla Cybertruck

After an uneventful and uncontroversial unveiling of Tesla’s Cybertruck, B/T was granted an interview with the vehicle’s designer, Pat Hemmings. Hemmings, 4, has spent most of his life guiding crayons over construction paper in preparation for the monumental task. We sat down with him Friday to pick his brain about his magnum opus. “Mister Must came to the house and said he wanted a truck” … Continue reading B/T Granted Exclusive Interview With 4 Year Old Consultant Who Designed Tesla Cybertruck

Electric Mustang SUV Suddenly Seeming Pretty Reasonable

Following the reveal of Tesla’s angular new Cybertruck, the fierce debate surrounding the Mustang Mach-E has died down to a near whisper. Seeming to mirror the political climate of the day, the controversy has been completely eclipsed by a more pressing, uglier matter. We interviewed several people outside the LA Auto Show to get their take. “I mean, I wasn’t so sure about that electric … Continue reading Electric Mustang SUV Suddenly Seeming Pretty Reasonable

Slight Increase In Atmospheric Pressure Detected as Every Rivian Employee Breathes Sigh of Relief

PLYMOUTH, MICHIGAN–Citing the simultaneous relieved exhalations of more than a thousand Rivian employees, the National Weather Service claims to have recorded a slight increase in the barometric pressure around Plymouth, Michigan on Thursday evening. The massive sigh occurred after Tesla’s Cybertruck was apparently designed by Musk himself, in the dark, on a cocktail napkin, with a baby carrot dipped in thousand island dressing. Rivian, who … Continue reading Slight Increase In Atmospheric Pressure Detected as Every Rivian Employee Breathes Sigh of Relief