Mazda Confirms Some Employee by Water Cooler May Have Mentioned Something About a Rotary Engine In Some Context Like Two Years Ago But They Were Hungover That Morning So They Aren’t Sure

In a conference call with the press early Wednesday morning, a representative from Mazda addressed rumors concerning their new rotary engine. With some reports saying it will power a car directly–while others say it’s just a range extender for EVs–the engine’s purpose and existence is still a mystery. “Yeah, woah. I’m so sorry you guys are so confused about that.” said Brad, the newly-hired PR … Continue reading Mazda Confirms Some Employee by Water Cooler May Have Mentioned Something About a Rotary Engine In Some Context Like Two Years Ago But They Were Hungover That Morning So They Aren’t Sure

Porsche Offers to Delay Payments for New Vehicles for as Long as Six Minutes

Offering incentives for customers affected by the pandemic to purchase the brand’s current offerings, Porsche announced Friday they are offering delayed payment plans on all new in-stock models for a period of up to six minutes from the date of acquisition. We spoke with local orthodontist Glenn Owens, who recently took advantage of the promotion. “I’ve been wanting a 911 for about 50 years now,” … Continue reading Porsche Offers to Delay Payments for New Vehicles for as Long as Six Minutes

GM Gutted as Plans to Make more Stupid Pre-Bailout Shit Delayed Another Decade

DETROIT–Upset with the economic ramifications concerning the COVID-19 pandemic, GM’s CEO Mary Barra held a press conference Thursday morning to share unfortunate news with the public. “We had a Trax SS going with a sideways LS.” said Barra, staring off into the distance as if shellshocked. She waited another moment, silent and unblinking as reporters badgered her with questions. She seemed completely unaware of the … Continue reading GM Gutted as Plans to Make more Stupid Pre-Bailout Shit Delayed Another Decade

Ford F250 Discontinued After Homophobic Tweets From 2007 Resurface on Vehicle’s Social Media

The first automobile to fall victim to cancel culture, the Ford F250 was discontinued late Sunday evening after tweets containing homophobic slurs were discovered on the truck’s social media account. Ford says they are “extremely sorry” about the incident and that, “No other Ford vehicles have ever uttered such offensive, hateful language.” The tweets–which have all since been deleted–made several crude and insensitive remarks pertaining … Continue reading Ford F250 Discontinued After Homophobic Tweets From 2007 Resurface on Vehicle’s Social Media

Quarantine Edition Camry Just Jerks You Off and Pours Shots

Resolving to maintain sales during the COVID-19 pandemic, Toyota plans to release a modified version of their popular Camry sedan called the “Quarantine edition”. Toyota sent us details of this new options package in the form of a heavily censored video late Sunday night. The video features the new Camry which comes from the factory without wheels. Toyota says the car will be delivered to … Continue reading Quarantine Edition Camry Just Jerks You Off and Pours Shots

Invoking Defense Production Act, Trump Orders GM to Start Manufacturing Altoids Mango Sours

DETROIT, MI – On Friday, using his authority under the 1950 Defense Production Act, President Donald Trump ordered the General Motors to start producing “Altoids Mango Sours,” a candy discontinued in 2010. The president tweeted: “Altoids stopped making Sours even though people loved them. WHY? Maybe Mary B. at GM can stop spending money on USELESS, POLLUTING ELECTRIC BATTERIES and use their tremendous factories to … Continue reading Invoking Defense Production Act, Trump Orders GM to Start Manufacturing Altoids Mango Sours

Trump Administration Sends Relief Checks to Every American Except that Guy who Paid Over Three Hundred Grand for a 240Z

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Providing financial relief for economically displaced workers, the Trump administration confirmed last week it will send a check to several million Americans. That is, every American except one man who recently purchased a 1971 Datsun 240Z for a whopping $310,000. “This decision shows a level of fiscal irresponsibility unlike anything we’ve ever seen,” said president Trump. “You have the crash of 2008, … Continue reading Trump Administration Sends Relief Checks to Every American Except that Guy who Paid Over Three Hundred Grand for a 240Z

More than Just Ventilators: Ford says They’re Making Thousands of Boat Anchors from Recalled Dual-Clutch Transmissions

In what seems like an attempt to carry-on doing good deeds, Ford released a video statement late Sunday evening outlining a plan to turn thousands of their troublesome DPS6 dual-clutch transmissions into anchors for small watercraft. Although the company is still gathering the units from their dealership network, they say they have a comprehensive plan for their conversion. “I mean first of all, we’re going … Continue reading More than Just Ventilators: Ford says They’re Making Thousands of Boat Anchors from Recalled Dual-Clutch Transmissions

Consumers Urged Not to Hoard Cleaning Supplies, Bottled Water, Air-Cooled 911s

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Attempting to curb panic resulting from the worldwide outbreak of COVID-19, U.S. government officials urged consumers at a press conference Friday to refrain from unnecessarily stockpiling cleaning supplies, bottled water, and air-cooled Porsche 911s. “Please only buy what you need,” said Mike Pence, avoiding eye contact with audience members and cameras. “If we can avoid hoarding, there is plenty of supply to go around.” … Continue reading Consumers Urged Not to Hoard Cleaning Supplies, Bottled Water, Air-Cooled 911s

J.D. Power & Associates Warns, “It’s not funny” to Survey Participant who Answered Every Question with “1947 Studebaker Commander”

TROY, MI.–The company famous as the subject of thousands of Toyota Camry commercials has issued a public warning to an unruly survey participant. Filling out the rankings for “Best Car 2020,” Ron Pittman of Shippingport, PA allegedly wrote “1949 Studebaker Commander” as the answer for every single question. J.D. Power was not amused. “These rankings–especially those pertaining to initial quality and reliability–must be taken seriously,” … Continue reading J.D. Power & Associates Warns, “It’s not funny” to Survey Participant who Answered Every Question with “1947 Studebaker Commander”