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VAG Rumoured to Launch Volkswagen ID.on’tKnowHowtoNameCars
In a bid to increase its electric market share, industry rumour mills have ascertained that Volkswagen plans on launching a new EV sedan and estate called the ID.on’tKnowHowtoNameCars.
Complete with an apostrophe, the ID.on’tKnowHowtoNameCars, or ID.’KHtNC for short, will compete against the likes of the Tesla Model S and BYD Han, while also competing against the English alphabet in a bid to use as many letters and symbols as possible in a single name. (BMW still wins the competition of overall name length, with the BMW individual M760Li xDrive Model V12 Excellence THE NEXT 100 YEARS.)
The news comes months after the debut of the ID.2all, a subcompact electric hatchback bearing dimensions slightly smaller than the current VW Polo. Journalists have largely criticized its name, arguing that it is misleading and that the ID.2all doesn’t actually give photo ID to everyone.
Jeremy Clarkson was noted for going on a Twitter rage about the ID.2all. “Why even buy a car that doesn’t actually freely distribute driver’s licenses?”
The model will likely be sold as a badge engineered Seat as well, with early sources pointing to the name Cupra YouWouldn’tDownloadaCar.
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Toyota Exec Incredulous 2024 Tacoma Being Changed from the 2005 Model
PLANO, TX – The launch of the all-new 2024 Tacoma has left at least one Toyota executive in a state of disbelief.
The fourth generation of the popular midsize pickup truck brings new powertrain options, including both turbocharging and hybridization. This is a notable departure from the previous gen, which introduced absolutely nothing new compared to the generation before it.
When asked about how he felt about the 2024 model, senior vice president Jack Hollis allegedly went into a fit, demanding the current model remain in production until 2030.
“What’s the point of even launching a 2024 model? There’s no way we can sell this! Toyota buyers want to buy old school trucks that keep running longer than Galapagos tortoises. Next you’re gonna tell me we’re putting a Prius powertrain in it.”
“There will actually be a hybrid variant, sir,” an intern meekly replied.
“BATTERIES DO NOT BELONG IN PICKUP TRUCKS,” he yelled as he Hulk smashed his chair at the window.
“What about starter batteries, sir?”
“HAND CRANKING THE ENGINE IS THE ONLY WAY TO START A CAR.”
“But sir, how do we compete against the electric F150 Lightning or the Rivian R1T?”
“ELECTRIC PICKUP TRUCKS? That’s not the America I know,” he exclaimed as he stormed out of the office to get into his Lexus LC500h, driving away in pure silence.
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Pre-Recession GM Wakes Up Hungover After Crazy Night Of Making HHR SS Panel Van
This article was originally published by Peter Holderith on January 21, 2019. Here‘s an archived version of the article.
DETROIT—After a rough night of partying, Pre-Recession GM woke up with a splitting headache and an extremely dry mouth.
After taking 2 Aspirin and drinking a quart of water, he checked his cellphone.
He had dozens of text and picture messages in his inbox. He opened the first text, from Saab.
“I fucking can’t believe you. How could you make something that weird and not tell me about it?” she continued, “And really? An SS version of the panel van too? NOBODY IS GOING TO FUCKING BUY THAT. I SHOULD’VE MADE IT. WE ARE DONE.”
GM rubbed his temples and deleted the message.
The next message was a picture from Pontiac.
“Dude! Sick party last night. I’ll send you that motor tomorrow morning.”
GM leaned over to the window and cracked his blinds, squinting at the bright daylight. On his doorstep was a large wooden crate. He looked back at his phone.
Attached to the message was a picure of GM and Pontiac, both extremely drunk sitting on a couch. Pontiac had one arm around GM and was pointing to a turbocharged Ecotec on the table in front of them.
He then received a text from Chevrolet as he finished reading Pontiac’s.
“Hey man, Pontiac said he sent that motor over. Saturn said he wants it too. I told him to fuck off. That kid is weird, I don’t like him. Anyway. Ill get working on that shit tomorrow.”
His roommate Cadillac then knocked on his door,
“Hey man are you good?”
“Shut the fuck up!” GM responded.
“Alright, thanks! Good morning!”
The rest of the messages were from Ford, Mercury, and other brands, talking about the party . Buick sent him a message saying Saab apparently hooked up with Subaru.
GM scratched his head and put a cigarette in his mouth.
“Whatever.” he said, leaning back in bed and staring at the ceiling.
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Porsche Recalls Certain Carrera GT Models Due to Concerns of Safety
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Porsche has initiated a recall for Carrera GT models produced between 2004 and 2005. This comes in response to reports that the affected model years had suspension tuning that provided optimal handling at the cost of improved safety.
“We sincerely apologize to Carrera GT owners who are affected,” a Porsche spokesperson wrote to us. “We consider anything that increases safety a severe detraction from the overall driving experience.”
Often considered the pinnacle of automotive engineering, the Carrera GT was designed to be as unsafe as legally possible. In light of the reports, enthusiasts across social media have mocked Porsche, with #CarreraGenerallyTame and #WidowFaker trending on automotive Twitter.
“People bought the Carrera GT to feel mortal, to feel consequence, to feel human,” the spokesperson continued, even though we had stopped caring at this point. “We have to make this right.”
Porsche notoriously made having a deal with the devil a requirement to receive a Carrera GT allocation. “This amazing machine only has room for so much soul.” -
Preordered F150 Lightnings Actually Just EcoBoost F150s with iPhone Chargers Included
Early customers have discovered that the F150 Lightning isn’t quite what Ford advertised it as.
The marque’s hottest new pickup launched for preorders in May 2021, touting over 300 miles of easy driving between pit stops. With looks that retain nearly all of the styling motifs of the standard F150, down to the misaligned headlights, it defines Detroit’s bleeding edge of automotive design.
Many owners have reported that the frunk contains an EcoBoost engine, though a social media rep for the automaker assured that it was just there ‘as a gift with the purchase’. Those who removed the engine found that the trunk would no longer start, at least until it was returned to its position. And hidden in the centre console, a number of owners have found a stack of Apple’s Lightning cables, also free of charge to buyers.
“When it came time to designing the F150 Lightning, we knew we had to include Lightning charging cables for all you filthy iOS users,” Ford designer Josh Henry posted on Instagram. (It appears this was posted courtesy of Instagram’s Android client.)
We asked some buyers about their experience with the Lightning.
“I couldn’t believe how normal the F150 Lightning was,” one owner noted. “I even got a check engine light before I made it around the block.”
In related news, Elon Musk has announced that starting in model year 2024, Tesla cars will charge from your credit card directly, skipping pesky intermediaries like the Supercharger network.
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Chevrolet and Ford Announce Joint Venture to Build Next Generation Pickup Truck
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Chevrolet and Ford have announced a joint venture to build the next generation pickup truck. The new truck will be replacing the bestselling Ford F-Series and Chevrolet Silverado, and will be badge engineered as a Ford or a Chevrolet. While still in the early stages of development, a prototype is expected to be officially revealed in 2026.
The joint venture will combine the engineering and manufacturing expertise of both companies to develop a truck that is both efficient and capable. The truck is expected to be available in a variety of configurations, including both 2WD and 4WD. This move is a significant development for both Chevrolet and Ford, as it allows the Detroit-based rivals to share the cost of developing a new truck, and also gives them access to each other’s engineering and manufacturing expertise. It is also expected to bring EcoBoost Duramax engines, in a bid to boost the fuel efficiency of diesel pickups. Notably, the GMC Sierra, a badge engineered Chevrolet Silverado, will continue as a standalone offering.
The new truck will rival the Dodge RAM, Toyota Tundra, and Nissan Titan. It will also help the companies remain competitive against newer electric pickup truck offerings, like the Rivian R1T and Tesla Cybertruck.
The joint-venture is a sign of changing times in the automotive industry. As the industry becomes more competitive, companies are increasingly looking to partner with each other to share the cost of development and boost already slim profit margins.
In related news, Tesla has announced that the 2019 Cybertruck is nearly ready for mass production, and will start shipping units for delivery in early 2025.
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Hyundai to Open New Plant in Arkansas Exclusively for Hiring 12 Year Olds
FORT SMITH, AR – Hyundai has announced a new manufacturing facility in Arkansas, with the goal of bringing children back into the workforce.
The new plant, located in the suburbs of Fort Smith, will be used to boost production numbers of the Santa Fe and Tucson, as well as boost the number of employees still using booster seats.
The announcement comes months after Hyundai cut ties with an Alabama-based factory that became infamous for hiring 12 year olds, in violation of state employment laws. It also comes mere days after Arkansas passed a new law permitting the hiring of workers as young as 14 without undergoing age verification.
“We’re very excited about the launch of this new facility,” said a spokesperson for Hyundai USA. “It’s the best thing to happen to Fort Smith since the Trail of Tears. Oh, and we pinky promise this announcement has nothing to do with the change in employment laws.”
The facility will include two production lines, a cafeteria, and an indoor playground. Playtime will be limited to 15 minutes a day for workers. Hyundai anticipates opening the plant in Q3 of 2025.
In related news, Hyundai has revealed that starting in MY2024, Hyundai vehicles will get rid of keyfobs entirely, instead unlocking from an insecure mobile app containing security keys stored in plaintext files.
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Lexus Executive Says Selling LFAs Is Harder Than Overzealous Tesla Enthusiasts Seeing Their Own Reflection
This article was originally published by Peter Holderith on January 20, 2019. Here‘s an archived version of the article.
We recently sat down with the Head of Lexus Dealership Operations for North America to get his take on the 3 unsold LFAs still in the United States.
Why does he think the supercars are such a tough sell?
“Well, I don’t know. It handles great, has a good transmission, it’s a Lexus so it’s super reliable, and it has the best sounding engine ever put into a production car.”
“Hell, it doesn’t even look half bad.”
“Did you guys watch the Doug Demuro video about it?”
We shook our heads.
“My main man Doug was practically sweating when he saw how many owners manuals there were.”
“Did you see his face when he gave it the beans? Doug looked like he transcended another plane of existence.”
“Looked like his spirit left his body”
Is Lexus corporate pushing to sell the last three?
“Yeah. Hell yeah. I already bought like 4.”
“Problem is that selling these things is about as hard as a new Telsa owner seeing himself in a mirror.”
“Or my man Doug when he sees a Saab 900.”
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Porsche’s Configurator Breaks Time-Space Continuum, Opening New Dimension Where Mitsubishi Cars are Desirable Again
Scientists from CERN have reported that a wormhole to a new dimension of Earth has formed. The release of the 992 generation of Porsche’s iconic 911 GT3 RS has created an infinite number of configurable models, trims, packages, and features, and the universe has correspondingly been blown to bits.
B/T managed to get an exclusive tour of the environment of this new Earth. Pothole-free roads were lined with cars bearing the three pointed diamond, almost entirely in the form of coupes and hatchbacks. The odd American pickup truck or Honda sedan was still present, but Mirages were actually popular in comparison.
One dealer’s lot was filled with 12th generation Lancers and 5th generation Eclipses. We interviewed an excited car shopper who was planning on test driving a new Evolution.
“I’m in the market for a reliable, luxurious, turbocharged wagon,” he said, “and the Evo Wagon ticks all my boxes. I considered the new Cadillac CT6-V Blackwing Wagon, but it’s not nearly as desirable as the Mitsu.” Before we could continue our interview, a Ralliart spec yellow Evo Wagon appeared on the lot, and he proceeded to salivate enough to form a puddle under his shoes.While this dimension shared little in common with Earth, there were a few similarities that we could find. Sitting in the back corner of a lot was an old Corvette, coated in a layer of dust and surrounded by debris. Its windshield bore a sign: 1 of only 241 of its year with black paint and blue coloured brake calipers.
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End of Production Announced for 2023 Nissan Z as Execs Just Can’t Be Bothered to Make Good Cars Anymore
Nissan has announced the discontinuation of the 2023 Z, according to a report from its headquarters in Yokohama, Japan. The reason? Its legacy no longer aligns with making quality cars, something that was in mortal peril with the new Z.
“We fear the Nissan Z is too exciting to represent the Nissan brand in 2023,” Makoto Uchida said. “Our reputation depends on buyers with bad credit and complete disregard for suggested maintenance intervals, and the Z challenges those ideals irreparably. So we have come to the difficult decision of ending production for the 2024 model year.”
When asked about the future of the Z nameplate, Uchida stated that a successor was within the realm of possibility. “Nissan is changing towards a future where product generations do not run virtually unchanged for 15 years. There is a lot of potential for the Z brand in a packaging that will cater towards the typical Nissan buyer. We are considering a coupe crossover powered by a 1.5L turbocharged mild hybrid powertrain, which will do a good job honouring the sporty heritage of the Z brand.”
In related news, Nissan’s Instagram page has announced a new facelift for the R35 GTR.
Editor’s note: I wrote this a few months before the GTR facelift was announced. Did I call it?
Premium Automotive Satire.
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