• Porsche’s Configurator Breaks Time-Space Continuum, Opening New Dimension Where Mitsubishi Cars are Desirable Again

    Scientists from CERN have reported that a wormhole to a new dimension of Earth has formed. The release of the 992 generation of Porsche’s iconic 911 GT3 RS has created an infinite number of configurable models, trims, packages, and features, and the universe has correspondingly been blown to bits.

    B/T managed to get an exclusive tour of the environment of this new Earth. Pothole-free roads were lined with cars bearing the three pointed diamond, almost entirely in the form of coupes and hatchbacks. The odd American pickup truck or Honda sedan was still present, but Mirages were actually popular in comparison.

    One dealer’s lot was filled with 12th generation Lancers and 5th generation Eclipses. We interviewed an excited car shopper who was planning on test driving a new Evolution.

    “I’m in the market for a reliable, luxurious, turbocharged wagon,” he said, “and the Evo Wagon ticks all my boxes. I considered the new Cadillac CT6-V Blackwing Wagon, but it’s not nearly as desirable as the Mitsu.” Before we could continue our interview, a Ralliart spec yellow Evo Wagon appeared on the lot, and he proceeded to salivate enough to form a puddle under his shoes.While this dimension shared little in common with Earth, there were a few similarities that we could find. Sitting in the back corner of a lot was an old Corvette, coated in a layer of dust and surrounded by debris. Its windshield bore a sign: 1 of only 241 of its year with black paint and blue coloured brake calipers.

  • End of Production Announced for 2023 Nissan Z as Execs Just Can’t Be Bothered to Make Good Cars Anymore

    Nissan has announced the discontinuation of the 2023 Z, according to a report from its headquarters in Yokohama, Japan. The reason? Its legacy no longer aligns with making quality cars, something that was in mortal peril with the new Z.

    “We fear the Nissan Z is too exciting to represent the Nissan brand in 2023,” Makoto Uchida said. “Our reputation depends on buyers with bad credit and complete disregard for suggested maintenance intervals, and the Z challenges those ideals irreparably. So we have come to the difficult decision of ending production for the 2024 model year.”

    When asked about the future of the Z nameplate, Uchida stated that a successor was within the realm of possibility. “Nissan is changing towards a future where product generations do not run virtually unchanged for 15 years. There is a lot of potential for the Z brand in a packaging that will cater towards the typical Nissan buyer. We are considering a coupe crossover powered by a 1.5L turbocharged mild hybrid powertrain, which will do a good job honouring the sporty heritage of the Z brand.”

    In related news, Nissan’s Instagram page has announced a new facelift for the R35 GTR.

    Editor’s note: I wrote this a few months before the GTR facelift was announced. Did I call it?

  • Dodge RAM Customers Outraged That Giveaway Was For a Stick of Computer Memory

    2023 RAM Truck

    DETROIT – A local Chrysler Dodge Jeep RAM Fiat Alfa Romeo dealership has caused a stir as a result of its latest giveaway, with a prize amounting to a single stick of DDR4 desktop RAM instead of a new pickup truck.

    According to an irate customer, the contest announced that one lucky winner would get a brand new RAM, but their reading comprehension skills prevented them from understanding any other words written in the ad.

    With a retail price of $74.99, the value of the 32GB stick of RAM is in line with trade in values appraised by the dealership. Coincidentally, 74.99 is also the approved interest rate of the average Dodge customer, so we’re told.

  • People Still Complaining About New Supra In Alternate Universe Where Toyota Just Re-released The Mk IV

    This article was originally published by Peter Holderith on January 19, 2019. Here‘s an archived version of the article.

    After inventing a machine that would take us to a parallel universe, B/T decided to use it to find a universe where Toyota just re-released the Mark IV Supra instead of making a new one. We decided to go on a few Toyota forums to get people’s opinions.

    One user started, “I’m just confused. Why would they re-release the old one and just call it new? Couldn’t they have made a new version with an updated engine?”

    Another user responded, “Yeah. It doesn’t make any sense to me. The FT-1 concept they put out looked great. Why couldn’t they just modify that concept and put a new turbo straight six in that?”

    Then, a user who had bought one of the “new” Supras entered the thread.

    “I agree with both of you guys. I mean this car is cool and its nice to be able to buy an old Supra, but it’s still an old Supra. Why wouldn’t they try to make an updated version? Doesn’t BMW make a turbo straight six? Why wouldn’t they just put that motor in?”

    The original user responded, “Yeah, and the old Supra’s looks are sort of an acquired taste. The new FT-1 looked so much better. Aren’t they making a new Z4? Couldn’t they have just co-developed that chassis? I mean people would complain it ‘wasn’t really’ a Toyota, but then the new Z4 would also ‘not really be a BMW’, right?”

    The original user then ended the thread,

    “I mean, I would kill for a new Supra co-developed with BMW. Who better to go to for a straight six, rear-wheel-drive sports car? Even if it wasn’t totally Toyota, isn’t a good car a good car no matter who makes it?”

  • GM Insider Says Executives Treat Cadillac Like, “Your frustrated dad treats a malfunctioning printer”

    Cadillac CT6 VSport

    This article was originally posted by Peter Holderith on January 17, 2019. Here‘s an archived version of this article.

    DETROIT—B/T was at Cadillac headquarters Friday to get information about the new CT6 V. However, the meeting in the small glass conference room veered slightly off topic.

    “We are upset that the CT6 V is only gonna be limited production,” our host, James said.

    “But really, we consider ourselves lucky that we were able to do it at-”

    “You piece of shit!” A voice exclaimed in the background.

    Behind James appeared a man in a suit, haggling with one of the color printers.

    “That’s one of the execs from the board over there.” James said, looking over his shoulder.

    “Just fucking print my page!” The man yelled as he smacked the top of the printer.

    The printer spat out a page halfway, and then began to pull it back in.

    “Oh no, no. Get back out here you little bitch!”

    The printer pulled in the sheet and then printed it back out. For a moment the man looked satisfied, but then he examined the page closely.

    “Shits fucking upside down! What the fuck!”

    He jammed his fingers into several of the printer’s buttons.

    “Printed upside down. How does that work?” James said, under his breath.

    “Toner is fucked up!”

    He began ripping out the ink and toner cartridges one by one.

    “We just replaced those yesterday. They’re all fine.”

    The printer then spat out a half page again, and began to reel it back in.

    “Oh yeah perfect just like that!” The executive said, grabbing the sheet and ripping it out of the printer.

    He grabbed the printer by its sides, shaking it like he was trying to talk sense into it.

    “WHY CAN’T YOU JUST DO WHAT I WANT?”

    The executive looked at the torn sheet in his hand, frustrated.

    “Whatever.” He said, stuffing it into his pocket.

    James turned back and looked at us, raising his eyebrows.

    “Sure hope that’s not our new EV.”

  • Leaked Dodge Memo Shows Plans for 2035 Dodge Challenger ‘Final Final Bro I Promise This is the Last One’ Scat Pack Hemi 392 Edition

    Long live CO2 emissions, eh?

    In a recent exchange between Dodge CEO Tim Kuniskis and head of design Ralph Gilles, B/T has learned that Dodge will continue producing the Challenger in various special editions until 2035.

    The lineup will end with the iconic Final Final Bro I Promise This is the Last One Edition, only available on Scat Pack models optioned with 24” steel rims. It will come exclusively in Carbon Emissions are Great Grey and The World is on Fire Red, and retain all the hard plastics of the base model for ‘authenticity’ (Tim’s words, not ours).

    This final edition model will be limited to just 10,000 units, with the first 100 units reserved for owners of first generation Dodge Vipers who have managed to crash into telephone poles or curbs less than three times in the last five years.

  • Lexus Announces It Stopped Sales of the RC350 Three Years Ago But No One Noticed

    In a surprising move, Lexus officials have announced that the RC350 coupe was actually removed from order books back in 2019, and they didn’t say anything to see how long it took for people to realize it had disappeared.

    “The RC represented the pinnacle of Lexus standards,” Andrew Gilleland stated in a shareholder brief. “We value cars that are subtle, quiet, and comfortable, and make business decisions in the same way. So the most graceful exit we could give the RC was one that wasn’t made public.”

    An anonymous insider added, “Originally, it was planned as an April Fools prank by the web dev team on HQ, but everyone just kinda rolled with it.”

    Our sources suggest that a new coupe is in the works to replace the RC. Reportedly, it will use the same engine and platform, and might even share the same name.

  • bald.tires is Back! Sort Of

    If you can see this page, congratulations! Your internet connection is working, you’ve hopefully got the right prescription of glasses, and the upcoming apocalypse hasn’t interrupted your morning coffee yet.

    Though it has interrupted bald.tires. You see, this website was originally launched by Peter Holderith (_baldtires on Twitter) back in 2019 as a means to bring some comedy into the automotive world. A very noble mission it was. And that mission was largely successful, for a period of time that could be approximated as roughly one point five elephant pregnancies. Or a few human ones.

    Until the domain wasn’t renewed.

    Peter’s instead been delivering quality content over at thedrive.com (his articles are fantastic, give them a read some time). But that meant that the bald.tires site took a trip to the same part of the internet where your old MySpace profile went. And along with it, all the articles disappeared too.

    This website is an attempt at restoring most of what Peter created. It’s also a way for me to write my own automotive satire articles.

    Over time, I hope to have all of the old articles posted up here, with credit given where it’s due. Along with Peter, Ryan Lowe, Brock England, and a handful of other contributors made bald.tires the go to source for automotive satire (at least, until Top Gear entered the niche with its own articles).

    Stay tuned for more posts, and until then, drive safe!