WASHINGTON, D.C.–In a statement intended to reduce confusion concerning the definition of quarantine, the CDC told gathered press at the White House a valuable analogy in the fight against COVID-19. “You know your retired neighbor, right? The one with the Corvette?” said a CDC representative. The gathered press looked around at each other, wondering how the rep knew their the identity of one of their … Continue reading CDC: Those Confused About Quarantine Should Act Like Retired Neighbor’s Corvette

WASHINGTON D.C.–Seeming to let the ongoing COVID-19 crisis get to his head, President Trump appeared to have a bit of a senior moment early Saturday morning after calling a press conference to ensure Pontiac will indeed weather this financial storm. A spokesperson from Pontiac, which hasn’t existed since 2010, didn’t say anything, because he/she does not exist. “We will make sure–believe me, we will make … Continue reading Trump Secures Five Billion Dollars to Ensure Pontiac’s Survival In Tumultuous Economy

WILMINGTON, D.E.–Doing his part to help curtail the spread of Coronavirus, Presidential hopeful Joe Biden held an event this weekend in Wilmington Delaware–sponsored by his teenage nephew’s Nissan 370z. It was a challenge to see who could chirp second gear while shifting the vehicle in question. The prize was–confusingly–a test kit for the now eliminated SARS virus. “Come on, step right up!” said Biden, opening … Continue reading Joe Biden Says He’s Giving Out Free SARS Test Kits to Anyone Who Can Get 2nd Gear Scratch In his Nephew’s Datsun

MELBOURNE–“So that means we can like, sell people? For money?” asked an audience member, standing up from the gathered crowd of sponsors and organizers at the Australian Grand Prix. “No,” responded an Italian FIA representative, “It means that people have value, you know? Like uhh… Beyond just the cash. Like you enjoy their personality, or they’re your wife, or something!” The assembled group was puzzled … Continue reading Australian GP Sponsors, Organizers Curious About This “Value of Human Life” Concept

BOSTON–Impressed by Aston Martin’s new million-dollar windshieldless super car–but also in the doghouse after forgetting his girlfriend’s birthday–local enthusiast Todd Simmons is currently making up his mind between mending his tenuous relationship or paying rent. “Wow, look at that” says Simmons, walking down a busy street. “700 horsepower V12…” Simmons feels his stomach grumbling. It’s almost lunchtime. Maybe he should skip this meal, then he … Continue reading “Wow, that million dollar Aston has no windshield!” Says Local Enthusiast, Deciding between Going Out to Dinner or Paying Rent on-Time

Curious about seeing Cadillac’s brand-new electric models, we sent the Detroit automaker an email on Wednesday inquiring about being granted a viewing. Their response was surprisingly quick, but it contained some terms we didn’t quite expect. We were confused. They wanted us to pay them to see their car? We sent another email but received a similar response. We were interested in seeing their new … Continue reading Cadillac: Lyriq and Celestiq do Private Parties but No Touching and No Pictures

MUNICH–Simultaneously attempting to hype the release of their new vehicle and end their tortured existence, BMW projected record earnings this quarter after introducing an unusual new trim for the 4 Series. The trim, titled; “We want to die, we hate what we’ve become, don’t buy the new 4 Series” is rather candid with its intended function. It includes massive kidney grilles reaching down to the … Continue reading BMW Projects Record Earnings After Teasing New, “We want to die, we hate what we’ve become, don’t buy the new 4 Series” Package for New 4 Series

PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA–Beating other automakers to the punch on the first mass-produced flying car, Elon Musk revealed Tesla’s first stab at aviation in a poorly-shot vertical video posted to Tesla’s website early Tuesday afternoon. The film appears to show a Model X being taken off a crudely constructed ramp at very high speeds. The video has since been taken down, however we have received a … Continue reading Tesla Unveils First Flying Production Car After Elon Musk Jumps Model X off Sick Plywood Ramp He Built with Neighborhood Kids

DETROIT–Production of the long-awaited successor to Cadillac’s prehistoric CT6 sedan initiated Tuesday afternoon at an unveiling in one of their factories. The American luxury brand insists that the CT6, with a lifespan of four years, had stuck around for far too long. “The brand new engine and chassis for the CT6 were cool, but they weren’t, like, great, you know?” said our host, Steven, seeming … Continue reading Cadillac CT6 Successor Released and Discontinued in 32 Minutes