Remembering that news could only get slower, we received an email from an anonymous auto journalist late Tuesday evening. The email, titled “it has been worse before” brought us back to a time when a C8 Corvette’s wheels being stolen in Detroit was covered at length by several automotive publications. “You guys remember that? Feels like years ago.” the anonymous journalist told us, recounting a … Continue reading Report: Auto News Still Not as Slow as That Time a C8 Corvette’s Wheels Getting Stolen Was a Big Fucking Deal

LE CASTELLET, FRANCE–Following news the French Grand Prix may be the first to take place in the wake of the global COVID-19 pandemic (albeit without an audience), the FIA has announced plans to erect hundreds of windmills in place of the usual human spectators at Circuit Paul Ricard. With the addition of these huge fans, the FIA hopes to coax the defending world champion into … Continue reading FIA to Replace Spectator-less French GP Grandstands with Hundred of Windmills to Appease Lewis Hamilton’s Love of the Fans

Facing criticism concerning the Model Y’s ground clearance and off-road capabilities, Elon Musk made several defensive tweets Tuesday evening insisting that size isn’t everything. “The total length, however you want to measure it, is really not relevant,” Musk told users on Twitter. “It’s really more about the position the car finds itself in. There’s also other things involved in a pleasurable off-roading experience, like approach … Continue reading Elon Musk Concedes Model Y has Short Ground Clearance But Insists It’s “Actually more about how you use it”

In a conference call with the press early Wednesday morning, a representative from Mazda addressed rumors concerning their new rotary engine. With some reports saying it will power a car directly–while others say it’s just a range extender for EVs–the engine’s purpose and existence is still a mystery. “Yeah, woah. I’m so sorry you guys are so confused about that.” said Brad, the newly-hired PR … Continue reading Mazda Confirms Some Employee by Water Cooler May Have Mentioned Something About a Rotary Engine In Some Context Like Two Years Ago But They Were Hungover That Morning So They Aren’t Sure

DETROIT–Upset with the economic ramifications concerning the COVID-19 pandemic, GM’s CEO Mary Barra held a press conference Thursday morning to share unfortunate news with the public. “We had a Trax SS going with a sideways LS.” said Barra, staring off into the distance as if shellshocked. She waited another moment, silent and unblinking as reporters badgered her with questions. She seemed completely unaware of the … Continue reading GM Gutted as Plans to Make more Stupid Pre-Bailout Shit Delayed Another Decade

The first automobile to fall victim to cancel culture, the Ford F250 was discontinued late Sunday evening after tweets containing homophobic slurs were discovered on the truck’s social media account. Ford says they are “extremely sorry” about the incident and that, “No other Ford vehicles have ever uttered such offensive, hateful language.” The tweets–which have all since been deleted–made several crude and insensitive remarks pertaining … Continue reading Ford F250 Discontinued After Homophobic Tweets From 2007 Resurface on Vehicle’s Social Media

Resolving to maintain sales during the COVID-19 pandemic, Toyota plans to release a modified version of their popular Camry sedan called the “Quarantine edition”. Toyota sent us details of this new options package in the form of a heavily censored video late Sunday night. The video features the new Camry which comes from the factory without wheels. Toyota says the car will be delivered to … Continue reading Quarantine Edition Camry Just Jerks You Off and Pours Shots

In what seems like an attempt to carry-on doing good deeds, Ford released a video statement late Sunday evening outlining a plan to turn thousands of their troublesome DPS6 dual-clutch transmissions into anchors for small watercraft. Although the company is still gathering the units from their dealership network, they say they have a comprehensive plan for their conversion. “I mean first of all, we’re going … Continue reading More than Just Ventilators: Ford says They’re Making Thousands of Boat Anchors from Recalled Dual-Clutch Transmissions

Citing the cancellation or delay of several races on the 2020 race calendar, Formula 1 game developers Codemasters announced a change in plans concerning their latest release. Instead of a racing game, Codemasters is set to release “Christian Horner Shit-Talking Simulator”. Codemasters says the user in ‘CHSTS’ plays as Horner himself. The more-than twenty levels (one for each F1 race) consist of the player wandering … Continue reading Formula 1 Game Developers Say F1 2020 Delayed–Will Release ‘Christian Horner Shit-Talking Simulator’ Instead

WASHINGTON, D.C.–In a statement intended to reduce confusion concerning the definition of quarantine, the CDC told gathered press at the White House a valuable analogy in the fight against COVID-19. “You know your retired neighbor, right? The one with the Corvette?” said a CDC representative. The gathered press looked around at each other, wondering how the rep knew their the identity of one of their … Continue reading CDC: Those Confused About Quarantine Should Act Like Retired Neighbor’s Corvette