Tesla Unveils First Flying Production Car After Elon Musk Jumps Model X off Sick Plywood Ramp He Built with Neighborhood Kids

PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA–Beating other automakers to the punch on the first mass-produced flying car, Elon Musk revealed Tesla’s first stab at aviation in a poorly-shot vertical video posted to Tesla’s website early Tuesday afternoon. The film appears to show a Model X being taken off a crudely constructed ramp at very high speeds. The video has since been taken down, however we have received a … Continue reading Tesla Unveils First Flying Production Car After Elon Musk Jumps Model X off Sick Plywood Ramp He Built with Neighborhood Kids

Cadillac CT6 Successor Released and Discontinued in 32 Minutes

DETROIT–Production of the long-awaited successor to Cadillac’s prehistoric CT6 sedan initiated Tuesday afternoon at an unveiling in one of their factories. The American luxury brand insists that the CT6, with a lifespan of four years, had stuck around for far too long. “The brand new engine and chassis for the CT6 were cool, but they weren’t, like, great, you know?” said our host, Steven, seeming … Continue reading Cadillac CT6 Successor Released and Discontinued in 32 Minutes

Top Five Reasons Why You Should Buy My Mate Rudy’s Vauxhall Corsa 1.6 GSi

My mate Rudy’s gopping wife is making him sell his positively brilliant Corsa GSi. It’s a 2013 model and it’s in great nick. Rudy doesn’t even let his kids in it. Only takes it out on properly dry Sundays for a spin about the country. You want to ring him? Mate, Rudy’s on holiday down in Calais right now. I can tell you more but … Continue reading Top Five Reasons Why You Should Buy My Mate Rudy’s Vauxhall Corsa 1.6 GSi

Toyota: GR Yaris Coming to United States but Only if You Beg for It You Pathetic Piece of Shit

NEW YORK CITY–“Don’t look at me, cretin! I don’t want to be harried by your filth!” said a Toyota of North America executive, draped in Yaris-themed royal garb. He stared-down the media audience as he confidently sauntered through the lavish ceremony. Set in an elegant ballroom in New York City, it was held to gauge stateside interest for the Yaris GR hatchback. The executive wandered … Continue reading Toyota: GR Yaris Coming to United States but Only if You Beg for It You Pathetic Piece of Shit

“Didn’t we used to make something like that?” Says Chevy, Realizing would-be Bronco Competitor is Currently Jellybean-Shaped Camaro Doppelganger

“Seems like that new Bronco is going to sell pretty well…” said a Chevrolet executive, searching through a large stack of papers in a conference room. Other executives were seated around him, doing much the same and nodding in agreement. “Didn’t we used to make a truck like that? What was that thing called again?” An employee seated at the end of the table triumphantly … Continue reading “Didn’t we used to make something like that?” Says Chevy, Realizing would-be Bronco Competitor is Currently Jellybean-Shaped Camaro Doppelganger

Here’s Why the New Mars Rover has Cammed LS7, Sideways 9mm Handgun

Clarifying previous comments that their new Mars Rover would have a “high-powered laser”, NASA informed us that the reality of the situation was actually much simpler. They gave us details of what they actually meant in an interview at a research center early Monday morning. “The ‘high-powered laser’ the press is jumping all over just helps us aim the glock.” a NASA representative told us, … Continue reading Here’s Why the New Mars Rover has Cammed LS7, Sideways 9mm Handgun

Struggling Nissan Adds Individual Cigarettes to 2020 Lineup

Evidently desperate to bring new customers into their dealerships, Nissan was found to be briefly peddling loosies from their U.S. website late Sunday evening. Although the page is down now, we took a screenshot before it was changed. We called Nissan’s PR department attempting to get a comment, but we were only met with more solicitation for individual cigarettes. When we asked the Japanese company’s … Continue reading Struggling Nissan Adds Individual Cigarettes to 2020 Lineup

Mall-Crawling Jeep Owner Not Sure What Beadlock Is but Angry at Suggestion His Is Fake

GLEN ROCK, NEW JERSEY–Growing ever irritated at confusing comments suggesting his beadlock is fake, local Jeep owner Brad Cairns exploded at his local weightlifting gym Thursday night. He Insisted that whatever “bees lock” was, it had no relevance to his Jeep’s capabilities. He vented his frustration to several other equally confused gym members, who attempted to research what stinging insects possibly had to do with … Continue reading Mall-Crawling Jeep Owner Not Sure What Beadlock Is but Angry at Suggestion His Is Fake

“Come on, you little fucker!” Says Tom Perez, Desperately Spraying Brake Cleaner Down Ballot-Carrying Saab 900’s Carburetor

OSKALOOSA, IOWA– Angrily telling a nervous intern to, “Keep fucking cranking it!”, DNC Chairman Tom Perez was found in a hopeless situation late Monday evening after a ballot-carrying Saab 900 suddenly died in rural Iowa. After finding a can of Brakleen in the trunk, Mr. Perez removed the air cleaner from the carburetor, and began to spray furiously. “Come on. Please don’t do this to … Continue reading “Come on, you little fucker!” Says Tom Perez, Desperately Spraying Brake Cleaner Down Ballot-Carrying Saab 900’s Carburetor

‘Moose Test’ Handling Evaluation Completely Discredited After Actual Moose Fails Miserably

Altogether invalidating the popular automotive handling assessment, the ‘Moose Test’ was found to be a complete sham early Sunday evening after an actual moose was found to be one of the worst things suited to it. We spoke to the automotive journalist (who insisted he remain anonymous) that organized the evaluation in order to get more details. “I mean, honestly?” the journalist told us in … Continue reading ‘Moose Test’ Handling Evaluation Completely Discredited After Actual Moose Fails Miserably