Chevrolet Enters Daytona 24 Hours With Hastily Modified ’01 Cavalier

DETROIT—With cost-cutting hitting GM hard, media outlets are saying their motorsports division has been seeing the worst of it. To investigate these claims, we went to Detroit. An engineer looked up from his workbench as we opened the door to the shop. It was freezing cold inside. As we walked in he asked us, “You guys here from the magazine? We nodded. “Yeah well just … Continue reading Chevrolet Enters Daytona 24 Hours With Hastily Modified ’01 Cavalier

BMW Engineer Says The New X1 Checks If People Deserve It First Before Deciding To Stop Automatically

MUNICH—After watching very funny but disconcerting test footage of BMW’s automatic braking system from the IIHS, the team at BT decided to jet over to Germany to try to find the source of the failure. We met with a team of engineers in a conference room, and they attempted to explain what went wrong. “So our system doesn’t work like the others do.” The man … Continue reading BMW Engineer Says The New X1 Checks If People Deserve It First Before Deciding To Stop Automatically

Ford Announces New Rhombus-Shaped Crossover Piece Of Shit

DEARBORN—At a press conference Wednesday, Ford executives unveiled a brand new gutless, rhombus-shaped, all-wheel-drive piece of shit. We were unfortunately there to get the details. A representative took the stage. “As you well know, we are transitioning out of passenger cars, and into the crossover market. This new vehicle will be the first of many to give our consumers the best possible compromise of everything … Continue reading Ford Announces New Rhombus-Shaped Crossover Piece Of Shit

Christian Horner Says Losing Daniel Ricciardo Was Vital Part Of Plan To Have Ugliest Drivers On The Grid

MILTON KEYNES—In an interview Sunday at Red Bull’s headquarters, Christian Horner informed us that he was not at all worried about losing Ricciardo for the 2019 season. This comes after the Australian left the team in favor of joining the French outfit, Renault. “It was all part of the plan, you see.” What plan was that? “Well don’t be stupid. Look at those boys now. … Continue reading Christian Horner Says Losing Daniel Ricciardo Was Vital Part Of Plan To Have Ugliest Drivers On The Grid

Chrysler Announces New ‘West Philly’ Package 300

AUBURN HILLS—Chrysler announced Monday that they will be releasing a special edition of the 300 that will only be sold in West Philadelphia. As opposed to their ‘300C’ or ‘300S’ models, Chrysler claims this new model will be called the ‘300J’. J they say, stands for “jawn”. Although 21″ wheels are standard, the “three hundred jawn” can come optionally with vastly larger wheel arches to … Continue reading Chrysler Announces New ‘West Philly’ Package 300

Sticker Installation Shop Facing Closure After Subaru Lineup Gets More Boring Every Year

FAIR LAWN—After hearing of their financial troubles, we went to our local sticker installation shop to see what is causing the slow business. We interviewed the shop owner with a few prepared questions. What sort of people typically come in to get stickers installed? “Well, mostly kids. Also, adults that still act like kids. Those sort of people. They are sort of car people, but … Continue reading Sticker Installation Shop Facing Closure After Subaru Lineup Gets More Boring Every Year

Ford Says The New Focus ST Will Come To The US As A Five Passenger, Automatic Crossover With Front Bench Seat

DEARBORN—In a press release Wednesday, Ford responded to criticisms about the new Focus not coming to the US, and continued to provide what they called, “Good news for enthusiasts everywhere”. “After receiving valuable feedback about the new fourth-generation Focus, we have made a decision to move forward with bringing it to North America. As of today, the new Focus and Focus ST will arrive in … Continue reading Ford Says The New Focus ST Will Come To The US As A Five Passenger, Automatic Crossover With Front Bench Seat