Author: Peter H

Product design student in Philadelphia and mediocre writer in my underwear.

Chevrolet Re-Runs “Real people, not Actors” Ad With Beat ’97 Cavalier

DETROIT—After receiving backlash for running allegedly misleading advertisements, Chevrolet has decided to re-run the ads with a car that meets the standards they present. More specifically, a 1997 Cavalier with two hundred thousand miles on it. The group of ‘regular people’ walk into the frame. A woman asks, “Wow! Is that an Audi?” “No, that’s the new 320i, the interior looks exactly the same!” Another … Continue reading Chevrolet Re-Runs “Real people, not Actors” Ad With Beat ’97 Cavalier

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Leaked Data From Buick Headquarters Shows The Words, “skateboarding” and “rap music” Searched Over and Over Again On Bing

DETROIT—In a huge data breach, several gigabytes of emails, search queries, and browser history has been leaked from Buick headquarters. We then began a little digging to try to find the reasoning behind their new marketing campaign, which plans to completely re-brand the Detroit automaker. We found the following email exchange: In response to this massive breach, Buick has released the following statement via Twitter: … Continue reading Leaked Data From Buick Headquarters Shows The Words, “skateboarding” and “rap music” Searched Over and Over Again On Bing

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Bimmerpost Users Wielding Microscopes Declare M8 Gran Coupe, “Not A Real BMW”

After images of a camouflaged M8 Gran Coupe were released, BMW enthusiasts all over the internet have taken to the forums to decide; is what experts are calling a, “coupe sedan thing” really a BMW? “I mean, it just isn’t.” Said one user, who’s profile picture was presumably his ‘stanced E39. “Look at the Hofmeister kink. If they made it a little more rounded on … Continue reading Bimmerpost Users Wielding Microscopes Declare M8 Gran Coupe, “Not A Real BMW”

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Bugatti Engineers Say They Took Inspiration From Jet Fighters, Rental Cars In Quest For Record Breaking Speeds

On Monday morning we received a manilla envelope from the Volkswagen corporation. It turned out to be the technical information we requested about the new Chiron. We tore it open and began to read. It all seemed pretty normal until we got to a section titled “Hertz collaboration”. The section showed various graphs and pictures explaining how Bugatti Engineers attempted to understand the immense speed … Continue reading Bugatti Engineers Say They Took Inspiration From Jet Fighters, Rental Cars In Quest For Record Breaking Speeds

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Lexus Introduces New Bank Vault Engine Cover That Only Opens With Urine Sample

NAGOYA—Lexus has introduced a new super secure engine cover designed to keep consumers from fiddling with their vehicles engines. We asked a team of Lexus engineers how it works. “Well typically you got the oil fill, washer fluid, coolant reservoir, all that stuff. We’re gonna handle all that now.” “The only filler cap left is for the piss test.” How does the dealer open the … Continue reading Lexus Introduces New Bank Vault Engine Cover That Only Opens With Urine Sample

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Mercedes Claims The New CLA Had Their Focus Group Of Entry Level Brokers “Sweating Like Priests In A Daycare”

STUTTGART—The team at bald.tires met with a marketing team from Mercedes on Friday. They talked with us about the research they conducted concerning the latest CLA sedan. How did they determine who they were going to market the new CLA towards? “Well for that we looked at the data for the sales of the first generation.” A projector screen slowly lowered itself from the ceiling, … Continue reading Mercedes Claims The New CLA Had Their Focus Group Of Entry Level Brokers “Sweating Like Priests In A Daycare”

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