Domino’s Enters Automotive Fray by Releasing Electric Crossover with Fucked Up Cheese All Over the Goddamn Box

ANN ARBOR, MICHIGAN–Entering an extremely competitive segment of the automotive landscape, Domino’s Pizza joined the car business early Wednesday morning after unveiling an in-house electric crossover at their Midwest headquarters. The compact vehicle–dressed in trademark Domino’s livery–will allegedly come with standard features such as a 22″ touchscreen, a hands-free liftgate, and fucked up cheese that slid off the pizza during transit and solidified in the … Continue reading Domino’s Enters Automotive Fray by Releasing Electric Crossover with Fucked Up Cheese All Over the Goddamn Box

Levitating Doug DeMuro Wearing Fifty T-Shirts Achieves Nirvana After Reviewing Oscar Meyer Wienermobile

Hovering fifty feet above the ground with his eyes glowing an intense shade of crimson, Doug DeMuro achieved a state of Nirvana Wednesday afternoon, declaring, “I HAVE DONE IT.” The popular automotive journalist then began to vaporize nearby parked cars with laser beams emanating from his eyes. The destruction was punctuated by exclamations of “THIS!” in the tone typical of his video’s introductions, but also … Continue reading Levitating Doug DeMuro Wearing Fifty T-Shirts Achieves Nirvana After Reviewing Oscar Meyer Wienermobile

MINI Clinches Gold Medal in Mental Gymnastics After Releasing CRV Sized Countryman

MINI, the British-themed subsidiary of BMW specializing in small cars, received the gold medal for mental gymnastics early Sunday evening after inching out Ford’s new Mustang Mach-E. The duo was joined on the podium by the Hyundai Venue, which despite being a ‘crossover’, has no business anywhere but on a bone-dry city street. The competition took place in Paris, a part of the auto industry’s … Continue reading MINI Clinches Gold Medal in Mental Gymnastics After Releasing CRV Sized Countryman

Millennials Buying Crossovers Cashing In On Suddenly Accessible Remote Alpine Cottages

Realizing there ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no valley low enough, and ain’t no river wide enough (to keep them from going literally anywhere), young crossover buyers have been cashing in on remote cabins nestled high in the snowy mountains. This phenomenon is due to the increased ride height and plastic cladding of these vehicles, which clearly indicates they are ready for absolutely anything. … Continue reading Millennials Buying Crossovers Cashing In On Suddenly Accessible Remote Alpine Cottages

Elon Musk Confirms Tesla Semi-Truck Stops Will Have Rapid Charging, Great Food, Smoking Hot Robot Hookers

Although the timeline for Tesla’s semi-truck is uncertain, Elon Musk announced on this morning that the California company would also be constructing hundreds of truck stops. Musk stressed the stops would have all of the modern amenities truck drivers demand, as well as some new twists. We contacted Musk for an interview over the phone, and he promptly accepted. “We have Guy Fieri making a … Continue reading Elon Musk Confirms Tesla Semi-Truck Stops Will Have Rapid Charging, Great Food, Smoking Hot Robot Hookers

Car Vlogger’s Prose and Diction Meant to Carefully Mimic the Delicate Fruity Undertones of Bud Light

Citing a taste for the finer things in life, an popular Youtube car Vlogger emailed us Sunday to give a peek into his writing process. He insisted on remaining anonymous.  “Most places just get it all wrong.” “Petrolicious makes a video that can capture an entire car’s spirit in like, three minutes. Why the fuck would you want to do that?” “Listen to this. C8 … Continue reading Car Vlogger’s Prose and Diction Meant to Carefully Mimic the Delicate Fruity Undertones of Bud Light

Tesla Posts Strongest Profits Ever After Unveiling Own Brand of In-House Kool-Aid

Flexing their muscles after a strong quarter, Tesla announced record profits Tuesday afternoon as the brand released it’s own spin-off of the powdered Kool-Aid beverage. Although many in the automotive media have known of its existence for some time, it has never before taken actual physical form. According to Teslarati.com, the beverage does not taste like much of anything, but other publications said it gave … Continue reading Tesla Posts Strongest Profits Ever After Unveiling Own Brand of In-House Kool-Aid

Internet Worried as Engineering Explained Posts Manic, Seven Hour Video Titled, “Magnets”

Seeming frantic & excited, Jason Fenske, custodian of the internet’s most controversial haircut and host of Youtube’s Engineering Explained, posted a barely edited, fast paced video early Tuesday evening. The video, in which Fenkse claimed he had, “figured it out”, and insisted the viewer refer to him as “cobra” has since been taken down. The only surviving record is a summary recorded by a viewer. … Continue reading Internet Worried as Engineering Explained Posts Manic, Seven Hour Video Titled, “Magnets”

“STAY THE FUCK BACK OR I’LL DO IT!” Yells GM, Clutching Threat of SUV to Corvette’s Head

“Come on, GM! Remember the CTS-V? That was a good car! Wasn’t an SUV either!” GM seemed uneffected by the voice from the megaphone, and continued to restrain the Corvette. “I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE BRAND IMAGE I WANT THE MONEY!” “You don’t need the money!” the automotive community responded. “The new C8 is gonna sell great!” GM pulled back the hammer on the threat. … Continue reading “STAY THE FUCK BACK OR I’LL DO IT!” Yells GM, Clutching Threat of SUV to Corvette’s Head

Desperate Jaguar Confirms They Will Accept Small Favors, Shiny Stuff, Kohl’s Cash In Exchange for I-Pace

Admitting the existence of a promotion that was previously only a rumor, Jaguar confirmed to us in an email late Tuesday night that they would indeed accept favors, shiny objects, and store credit from Kohls as a down payment for the new I-Pace. The promotion comes after the vehicle’s sales have gone completely slack due to cheaper, superior competition from several automakers. In the email, … Continue reading Desperate Jaguar Confirms They Will Accept Small Favors, Shiny Stuff, Kohl’s Cash In Exchange for I-Pace