Author: Peter Holderith

Product design student in Philadelphia, mediocre writer.

Alfa Romeo Addresses Guilia Reliability With Flintstone-Inspired Quick Release Floor Pans

AUBURN HILLS— Alfa Romeo has finally announced they will address their new Guilia’s reliability issues in a press conference Thursday. The announcement came after months of complaints pertaining to the dubious dependability of the sports sedan. An apparently Italian representative from Alfa Romeo took to the stage to give the announcement, and answer questions in a thick accent. “Here at Alfa Romeo, we have heard … Continue reading Alfa Romeo Addresses Guilia Reliability With Flintstone-Inspired Quick Release Floor Pans

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Fisker Announces Electric SUV For $40k, Implying You May One Day Be Able To Buy It

Fisker Automotive’s namesake Henrik Fisker released teaser images on Thursday for the brand’s new electric SUV. The news comes after the brand was resuscitated in 2014 to the beat of Staying Alive, and millions of Chinese dollars. Along with a teaser image, the designer also announced the purchase price; forty grand. This of course makes the completely safe assumption you may one day be able to … Continue reading Fisker Announces Electric SUV For $40k, Implying You May One Day Be Able To Buy It

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FIA Hastily Stashes Gasoline Soaked Tube Socks As Vettel Storms Into Race Control Office

MONTRÉAL—Following his controversial penalty Sunday, Sebastian Vettel stormed into FIA race control to make an attempt at appealing the decision. He did not expect what he found in the small office. Anonymous sources at the scene tell us that Vettel came upon all of the stewards huffing Ferrari’s race fuel from drenched tube socks. Sources say that when confronted with their abuse of the fuel, … Continue reading FIA Hastily Stashes Gasoline Soaked Tube Socks As Vettel Storms Into Race Control Office

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Cadillac Announces New, “Please fuck off, we are trying.” Ad Campaign

DETROIT—After receiving mixed feedback at the release of the new CT5-V and CT4-V, Cadillac has announced a new ad campaign aimed at receiving pity from prospective buyers and enthusiasts. We arrived in Detroit Monday morning to get a briefing from a Cadillac spokesperson about the new initiative. When we arrived we were seated at a desk in one of their engineering offices, with a seemingly … Continue reading Cadillac Announces New, “Please fuck off, we are trying.” Ad Campaign

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B/T Reviews: The 2019 Mazda Miata, 1300 Miles Worth Of Southern Germany

My girlfriend decided to do a semester abroad in Cologne, Germany. When she told me she was doing this, I planned on visiting. When I planned on visiting, I planned on renting a car. I drive stick every day, which turned out to be good. My only options without driving stick were some flavor of Citroen or Peugeot hatchback (according to the SIXT website). You … Continue reading B/T Reviews: The 2019 Mazda Miata, 1300 Miles Worth Of Southern Germany

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Niki Lauda, “Honestly, unimpressed.” With Heaven Grand Prix Circuit

HEAVEN—According to sources, Niki Lauda is not impressed at all with the quality of the circuit provided to him in heaven. “Turn three is a mess, not fast enough for aero and not slow enough for mechanical grip.” He took off his sunglasses. “It’s bullshit.” God looked at him stunned as they both walked the track. “Your back straight is fine, hard to mess that … Continue reading Niki Lauda, “Honestly, unimpressed.” With Heaven Grand Prix Circuit

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Americans Requesting Uber In U.K. Suddenly Aware They Have No Fucking Idea What A Ford Galaxy Is

NEWCASTLE—Still slightly surprised Uber was a thing in the U.K., but unsure why it wouldn’t be simultaneously, Americans Donald Walters and Robert Johnson found themselves confused early Monday morning after ordering an Uber. Both men were sent into a slight panic after realizing neither of them knew what a Ford Galaxy actually was. “Your Uber will arrive in three minutes, in a green Ford…. Galaxy. … Continue reading Americans Requesting Uber In U.K. Suddenly Aware They Have No Fucking Idea What A Ford Galaxy Is

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U.S. Customs Will Now Check All European Hatchbacks For Plastic Cladding, 3″ Lift At Border

According to reports by auto manufacturers, U.S. customs will now ensure that all European hatchbacks entering at American ports will be equipped with ‘necessary’ plastic cladding and a 3″ lift. Customs says this measure is not meant to upset enthusiasts, but to, “Ensure the survival of hatchbacks entering the United States”. We visited Port Elizabeth in New Jersey to get the news first hand from … Continue reading U.S. Customs Will Now Check All European Hatchbacks For Plastic Cladding, 3″ Lift At Border

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Mercedes Kills Smart Brand In US After Realizing It Was A Shitty Car Only Suckers Bought

ATLANTA—Mercedes sent out a press release Monday announcing the Smart brand of vehicles is being discontinued in the United States. We asked for more information about the decision, and were invited to their U.S. Headquarters in Atlanta. “We realized we would have to make a decision after a visit from some of our colleagues from Stuttgart. One of them commented on how large roads and … Continue reading Mercedes Kills Smart Brand In US After Realizing It Was A Shitty Car Only Suckers Bought

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Cadillac Says They Aren’t Putting A V8 In The CT5 Because They Like Keeping People Up At Night

DETROIT—After announcing their new CT5 sports sedan, Cadillac invited us to a tour of the production facilities for the vehicle. We drove out to Detroit to see what was what. As soon as we arrived we asked about a possible performance version. “Well… It’s probably going to happen” Our host said. We asked if he could show us anything from the new performance variant they … Continue reading Cadillac Says They Aren’t Putting A V8 In The CT5 Because They Like Keeping People Up At Night

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