"Didn't we used to make something like that?" Says Chevy, Realizing would-be Bronco Competitor is Currently Jellybean-Shaped Camaro Doppelganger

“Seems like that new Bronco is going to sell pretty well…” said a Chevrolet executive, searching through a large stack of papers in a conference room. Other executives were seated around him, doing much the same and nodding in agreement. “Didn’t we used to make a truck like that? What was that thing called again?” An employee seated at the end of the table triumphantly … Continue reading "Didn't we used to make something like that?" Says Chevy, Realizing would-be Bronco Competitor is Currently Jellybean-Shaped Camaro Doppelganger

Here's Why the New Mars Rover has Cammed LS7, Sideways 9mm Handgun

Clarifying previous comments that their new Mars Rover would have a “high-powered laser”, NASA informed us that the reality of the situation was actually much simpler. They gave us details of what they actually meant in an interview at a research center early Monday morning. “The ‘high-powered laser’ the press is jumping all over just helps us aim the glock.” a NASA representative told us, … Continue reading Here's Why the New Mars Rover has Cammed LS7, Sideways 9mm Handgun

Struggling Nissan Adds Individual Cigarettes to 2020 Lineup

Evidently desperate to bring new customers into their dealerships, Nissan was found to be briefly peddling loosies from their U.S. website late Sunday evening. Although the page is down now, we took a screenshot before it was changed. We called Nissan’s PR department attempting to get a comment, but we were only met with more solicitation for individual cigarettes. When we asked the Japanese company’s … Continue reading Struggling Nissan Adds Individual Cigarettes to 2020 Lineup

Mall-Crawling Jeep Owner Not Sure What Beadlock Is but Angry at Suggestion His Is Fake

GLEN ROCK, NEW JERSEY–Growing ever irritated at confusing comments suggesting his beadlock is fake, local Jeep owner Brad Cairns exploded at his local weightlifting gym Thursday night. He Insisted that whatever “bees lock” was, it had no relevance to his Jeep’s capabilities. He vented his frustration to several other equally confused gym members, who attempted to research what stinging insects possibly had to do with … Continue reading Mall-Crawling Jeep Owner Not Sure What Beadlock Is but Angry at Suggestion His Is Fake

"Come on, you little fucker!" Says Tom Perez, Desperately Spraying Brake Cleaner Down Ballot-Carrying Saab 900's Carburetor

OSKALOOSA, IOWA– Angrily telling a nervous intern to, “Keep fucking cranking it!”, DNC Chairman Tom Perez was found in a hopeless situation late Monday evening after a ballot-carrying Saab 900 suddenly died in rural Iowa. After finding a can of Brakleen in the trunk, Mr. Perez removed the air cleaner from the carburetor, and began to spray furiously. “Come on. Please don’t do this to … Continue reading "Come on, you little fucker!" Says Tom Perez, Desperately Spraying Brake Cleaner Down Ballot-Carrying Saab 900's Carburetor

'Moose Test' Handling Evaluation Completely Discredited After Actual Moose Fails Miserably

Altogether invalidating the popular automotive handling assessment, the ‘Moose Test’ was found to be a complete sham early Sunday evening after an actual moose was found to be one of the worst things suited to it. We spoke to the automotive journalist (who insisted he remain anonymous) that organized the evaluation in order to get more details. “I mean, honestly?” the journalist told us in … Continue reading 'Moose Test' Handling Evaluation Completely Discredited After Actual Moose Fails Miserably

"I real' like the EVs, George" Says GM, Aggressively Petting Cadillac

“Why don’ we have Cadillac make the EVs?” GM asked their board, seeming very much like Lenny from Of Mice and Men “Well, do you remember the ELR? There was nothing good about that car. Not even the marketing campaign.” GM continued petting Cadillac, which was sitting uncomfortably on its lap, waiting for an opportune moment to escape. GM stared at the luxury brand and … Continue reading "I real' like the EVs, George" Says GM, Aggressively Petting Cadillac

Ford Unveils Testosterone-Fueled Roadrage Meltdown, "'Tammy Get Back Into the Fucking Truck! Go Ahead Asshole, Call the Cops!'" Edition F-150

CORONA, CALIFORNIA–In what marketing experts have described as a genius play to the brand’s core demographic, Ford unveiled a new trim for the F-150 pickup Sunday afternoon at Monster Energy’s headquarters. The new trim, called, “Testosterone-Fueled Roadrage Meltdown, ‘Tammy Get Back Into the Fucking Truck! Go Ahead Asshole, Call the Cops!’” was met with great joy by the audience. Cans of White Monster were distributed … Continue reading Ford Unveils Testosterone-Fueled Roadrage Meltdown, "'Tammy Get Back Into the Fucking Truck! Go Ahead Asshole, Call the Cops!'" Edition F-150

"These are just like uhh…. sporty Camrys!" Insists Performance Sedan Makers, Realizing Non-Enthusiast's Money is Still Green

Noticing regular people starting to wonder what’s going on inside the multi-brand fight club known as the sport sedan market, several automakers broke loose from the fossil-fueled fracas earlier this decade to change their otherwise excellent vehicles into something more palatable to the public. We were on the scene as several manufacturers realized most auto journalists couldn’t actually afford their cars, and cellphone insurance salesmen … Continue reading "These are just like uhh…. sporty Camrys!" Insists Performance Sedan Makers, Realizing Non-Enthusiast's Money is Still Green

Impeachment Hearing Stalls as President Trump Refuses to Lift Hood on V6 Charger He Claims has Hemi

WASHINGTON D.C.–Dismissing remarks that his Dodge Charger was only the paltry GT trim, President Trump took to Twitter late Tuesday night to protest what he deemed was unfair treatment by Democrats in Congress. Although sources were not able to confirm the drivetrain of the president’s Dodge, he did appear to be hiding something. Minority Leader Chuck Schumer claimed he and House Speaker Pelosi attempted to … Continue reading Impeachment Hearing Stalls as President Trump Refuses to Lift Hood on V6 Charger He Claims has Hemi