Citing a pushback from a Wikipedia article they just read, Ford has announced that the Lincoln brand will soon be no more. The news comes after researchers within Ford Motor Company discovered that President Lincoln, the namesake for the Lincoln brand of automobiles, had no idea what a car was. Not even a clue. “I mean, the closest thing to a car was like a … Continue reading Cancel Culture Strikes Again: Ford to Rename Lincoln After Uncovering Dipshit Former President Didn’t Even Know What Cars Were

An anonymous source from within a private Facebook group⁠ used to plan and post disgruntled Youtube comments ⁠has reported unsettling news. As a result of the extreme effort needed to simultaneously defend the poor value of vehicles like the Cadillac ELR and pleasure oneself to images of 1957 Tri-Five Chevrolets, baby boomers across the country are reporting difficulty doing both effectively. “I’m trying to spank … Continue reading Boomer Defending Late Model Cadillacs Having Tough Time Typing While Stroking It To Pictures of ’57 Chevys

Trying to quiet his cellphone during our video interview, former Cannonball record holder and founder of VinWiki Ed Bolian told us that the cross-country record is currently being beaten once every tenth of a nanosecond, with no sign of slowing down. We attempted to ask him a few questions concerning the record in between breaks of him trying to tame his smartphone’s notifications. “One minute, … Continue reading Ed Bolian says Cannonball Record has Been Beaten 4,687 Times Since You Started Reading This

Refusing to continue work via video conference, Nissan executives have been playing video games for hours on end at their mother’s homes since the pandemic began. The group says they would like to continue development on vehicles like the 370z’s successor, but the game they’re playing is online, so it can’t simply be paused. “David! Nissan’s North American President is on the phone for you!” … Continue reading “IT’S ONLINE, MOM! I CAN’T PAUSE IT!” Says Busy Nissan Executives, Further Postponing New Product Development

“I mean, all of the letters are there,” Musk told the press late Tuesday evening. “We just have to wait for a bit more data so we can actually get something cohesive together.”

Continue reading Elon Musk: Latest Child’s Name ‘Feature Complete’

“Once we run out of regular grilles to replace the angry ones, we have a hole saw that’s just the right size.”

Continue reading Jeep Breaks Ground On Rehabilitation Facility For Tastelessly Modified Wranglers

“They said the interior was bad?” a Cadillac employee on the assembly line asked his shift manager, picking up a few loose nails from the seat next to him and holding them in his mouth. “Yeah, I have no idea why they would get that impression, though.” The employee shook his head in disbelief and lined up a nail on top of a piece of … Continue reading “What did the press say was wrong with the last dozen models?” Inquires Cadillac Employee, Hammering Sixteenth Material Into CT5 Dashboard with Roofing Nails

“Bobby can you shut the fuck up? Daddy is on a call right now!” There was a brief silence in the Zoom call as everyone in the meeting waited for somebody to speak up and tell the tired executive that he was not muted. “Hey uhh… Gary, you gotta mute yourself when you say stuff like that.” said another Toyota employee, senior to Gary. “Oh, … Continue reading “Just give them the GR Corolla so they shut up about the Yaris.” Says Disheveled Toyota Executive, Muting Himself on Zoom to Yell at His Children

Remembering that news could only get slower, we received an email from an anonymous auto journalist late Tuesday evening. The email, titled “it has been worse before” brought us back to a time when a C8 Corvette’s wheels being stolen in Detroit was covered at length by several automotive publications. “You guys remember that? Feels like years ago.” the anonymous journalist told us, recounting a … Continue reading Report: Auto News Still Not as Slow as That Time a C8 Corvette’s Wheels Getting Stolen Was a Big Fucking Deal