Niki Lauda, “Honestly, unimpressed.” With Heaven Grand Prix Circuit

HEAVEN—According to sources, Niki Lauda is not impressed at all with the quality of the circuit provided to him in heaven. “Turn three is a mess, not fast enough for aero and not slow enough for mechanical grip.” He took off his sunglasses. “It’s bullshit.” God looked at him stunned as they both walked the track. “Your back straight is fine, hard to mess that … Continue reading Niki Lauda, “Honestly, unimpressed.” With Heaven Grand Prix Circuit

Americans Requesting Uber In U.K. Suddenly Aware They Have No Fucking Idea What A Ford Galaxy Is

NEWCASTLE—Still slightly surprised Uber was a thing in the U.K., but unsure why it wouldn’t be simultaneously, Americans Donald Walters and Robert Johnson found themselves confused early Monday morning after ordering an Uber. Both men were sent into a slight panic after realizing neither of them knew what a Ford Galaxy actually was. “Your Uber will arrive in three minutes, in a green Ford…. Galaxy. … Continue reading Americans Requesting Uber In U.K. Suddenly Aware They Have No Fucking Idea What A Ford Galaxy Is

U.S. Customs Will Now Check All European Hatchbacks For Plastic Cladding, 3″ Lift At Border

According to reports by auto manufacturers, U.S. customs will now ensure that all European hatchbacks entering at American ports will be equipped with ‘necessary’ plastic cladding and a 3″ lift. Customs says this measure is not meant to upset enthusiasts, but to, “Ensure the survival of hatchbacks entering the United States”. We visited Port Elizabeth in New Jersey to get the news first hand from … Continue reading U.S. Customs Will Now Check All European Hatchbacks For Plastic Cladding, 3″ Lift At Border

Mercedes Kills Smart Brand In US After Realizing It Was A Shitty Car Only Suckers Bought

ATLANTA—Mercedes sent out a press release Monday announcing the Smart brand of vehicles is being discontinued in the United States. We asked for more information about the decision, and were invited to their U.S. Headquarters in Atlanta. “We realized we would have to make a decision after a visit from some of our colleagues from Stuttgart. One of them commented on how large roads and … Continue reading Mercedes Kills Smart Brand In US After Realizing It Was A Shitty Car Only Suckers Bought

Cadillac Says They Aren’t Putting A V8 In The CT5 Because They Like Keeping People Up At Night

DETROIT—After announcing their new CT5 sports sedan, Cadillac invited us to a tour of the production facilities for the vehicle. We drove out to Detroit to see what was what. As soon as we arrived we asked about a possible performance version. “Well… It’s probably going to happen” Our host said. We asked if he could show us anything from the new performance variant they … Continue reading Cadillac Says They Aren’t Putting A V8 In The CT5 Because They Like Keeping People Up At Night

Exciting News: Mazda Says You Can Have A Brand New Rotary Sports Car If You Can Design And Build It Yourself

NAGOYA—After inquiring with Mazda about a possible new rotary powered sports car, they invited us to their factory to give us the details. Needless to say we were very excited, and we hopped on a plane to Japan. We arrived at their headquarters and were corralled with what seemed like many other automotive journalists into a large lecture space. As we were being seated a … Continue reading Exciting News: Mazda Says You Can Have A Brand New Rotary Sports Car If You Can Design And Build It Yourself