Stop Moaning, Find a Baseball Cap, and Buy a Convertible

Here’s what you do. You buy a convertible. It leaks like a colander, you never put the top down, your friends, family, they assume you’re planning on joining the circus. It won’t go around a corner because it’s busy doing its best Gumby impression. It’s about as useful as a salt shaker on a snowy road, and above all, all you hear is the constant … Continue reading Stop Moaning, Find a Baseball Cap, and Buy a Convertible

New Study Cements Relationship Between Apex Seals And Crippling Anxiety

A new study released by on Tuesday by NHTSA has officially substantiated the relationship between owning a rotary powered vehicle and experiencing constant anxiety lasting the duration of ownership. The study compiled several pages of quantitative data, as well as several comments from owners. Stephan Gill from New Hampshire wrote, “I’ll be driving down the road, making sure my AFR is all good, making sure … Continue reading New Study Cements Relationship Between Apex Seals And Crippling Anxiety

BMW Insider Alleges 4 Series Nostrils Reference Quantity of Glue Designers Sniffing

FRANKFURT — After a controversial launch of the 4 Series concept car, we spoke to a brand representative at the Frankfurt Motor Show to ask a few questions about the upcoming vehicle. “The kidney grilles have been enlarged on the new 4 Series for several reasons.” a spokesperson told us. Those reasons? “This new concept embodies all the great BMW design values. The grilles get … Continue reading BMW Insider Alleges 4 Series Nostrils Reference Quantity of Glue Designers Sniffing

Elon Musk Bravely Puts Absolutely Nothing On The Line In Legendary Nurburgring Dick Measuring Contest

NURBURG, GERMANY– In what is shaping up to be the automotive dick measuring contest of the decade, Elon Musk has decided to put his…. His uhhh…… He’s risking his very….. His… Uhhh…. Unable to find the words for what is actually on the line, we called Mr. Musk himself to ask was at stake. “My reputation is on the line. Remember how I went on … Continue reading Elon Musk Bravely Puts Absolutely Nothing On The Line In Legendary Nurburgring Dick Measuring Contest

Area Enthusiast Enthralled by Absolutely Mint ’87 Chrysler Fifth Avenue

CHICAGO– Out for a morning drive, local enthusiast Charles Watkins says he was totally blindsided. Turning a corner, he saw what turned out to be a 1987 Chrysler Fifth Avenue in absolutely pristine condition. “My first question was… ‘Why?’ Shortly followed by… ‘How?’”. “Looked like it just rolled off the factory floor in the eighties. Absolutely ridiculous. All the chrome was like a mirror, the … Continue reading Area Enthusiast Enthralled by Absolutely Mint ’87 Chrysler Fifth Avenue

I Traveled To The Oort Cloud To Pick Up My Dream Car: A 1994 Toyota Tercel In Bare Primer

My dream car has always been a Tercel. Why? Well, let me tell you a story. I remember the first and last time driving in my Dad’s Tercel. We were merging onto the highway when the Tercel’s three speed automatic slammed the car into third gear, like two trains colliding at mach three. I can still remember my dad yelling, “FUCK!” as we ran over … Continue reading I Traveled To The Oort Cloud To Pick Up My Dream Car: A 1994 Toyota Tercel In Bare Primer

BMW Owners Panic As Automaker Unveils Subscription Service For Horn

MUNICH– BMW today announced an addition to their growing list of in-car subscriptions. As well as Apple CarPlay and adaptive headlights, the German brand will now be charging for a coveted asset utilized frequently by BMW owners; The horn. We reached several current owners and prospective buyers for comment. In addition to Apple CarPlay and adaptive headlights, the German brand will now be charging for … Continue reading BMW Owners Panic As Automaker Unveils Subscription Service For Horn

Crusty Subaru EJ Spotted Drinking PBR, Heckling Local Whippersnappers From Front Porch

BURLINGTON– Sources in and around the small city of Burlington, Vermont have recently reported seeing a 2.5 liter EJ harassing other engines from its decrepit front porch. Local police say that although the motor may be disturbing locals with its unusual exhaust note and disruptive antics, it is free to drink on its own property. B/T was on the scene interviewing a four cylinder B48 … Continue reading Crusty Subaru EJ Spotted Drinking PBR, Heckling Local Whippersnappers From Front Porch

Bugatti Unveils New One-Off Hypercar That Should Be A Big Deal But You Couldn’t Give A Shit About

Recently, the results of a focus group hired by Bugatti was leaked to B/T. The content of these leaked documents was interesting, but at the same time unsurprising. “So I’ll never be able to buy it, I’ll only ever see it in pictures, I can’t sit in it, listen to it, or even watch it drive by in passing.” “Why would I care about a … Continue reading Bugatti Unveils New One-Off Hypercar That Should Be A Big Deal But You Couldn’t Give A Shit About

Mclaren CEO Wakes Up In Cold Sweat After Third C8 Corvette Nightmare This Week

“I have sixty grand in my pocket right now to spend on a new car, you’re telling me you can’t do anything for me?” The Mclaren dealership employee began to get nervous. “W-well no. The cheapest car we have is the 540c, and that’s $165,000.” “And that’s SLOWER than the new Corvette to sixty, right? Like, a LOT slower. Like HALF a SECOND slower. Right?” … Continue reading Mclaren CEO Wakes Up In Cold Sweat After Third C8 Corvette Nightmare This Week