Noticing regular people starting to wonder what’s going on inside the multi-brand fight club known as the sport sedan market, several automakers broke loose from the fossil-fueled fracas earlier this decade to change their otherwise excellent vehicles into something more palatable to the public. We were on the scene as several manufacturers realized most auto journalists couldn’t actually afford their cars, and cellphone insurance salesmen … Continue reading "These are just like uhh…. sporty Camrys!" Insists Performance Sedan Makers, Realizing Non-Enthusiast's Money is Still Green

Attempting to deplete their stock of the now discontinued model, Maserati has introduced a promotion that includes complementary wife-cancelling earbuds with the purchase of the GranTurismo performance coupe. We had a video call with a representative of the company who gave us more details. “Our market research shows that wives are the biggest obstacle our potential and existing customers face,” he said. “This promotion should … Continue reading Maserati to Include Free Wife-Cancelling Earbuds with Every Purchase of New GranTurismo

GIZA, EGYPT– Late into a dig inside the Great Pyramid of Giza, archaeologists discovered the worn remnants of an ancient mural depicting the assembly of an R35 GTR. Although it is still unclear which Pharoh commissioned these paintings, they have been carbon dated to around 2400BC, during ancient Egypt’s old kingdom. The barely visible hierogylphs depict the vehicle itself, as well as the engine assembly … Continue reading Archaeologists Unearth Ancient Hieroglyphs of R35 GTR

“Well shit, I thought you got lost back there with the rest of them!” said GM, swinging his right hand forward in a hearty handshake as Hummer stepped onto his porch. “Naw. We got stuck back there for a little bit, but we was always around. You know, dippin’ into military contracts and whatnot.” GM nodded and handed Hummer a PBR as they both took … Continue reading “Has it really been ten years?” Says GM, Rocking Back and Forth on Porch as Hummer Approaches Down Long Dusty Drive

Attempting to put some pep into the brands SUVless sales, Hyundai’s Genesis brand attempted to move a few more units in early December by peddling a paper-thin connection between the Korean luxury brand and the Phil Collins-lead prog rock group of the same name from the 1970s and 80s. After enticing people to come to a local dealership ‘Tonight, Tonight, Tonight’, the brand was sued … Continue reading Genesis In Legal Turmoil After Brand's Winter Sales Event Peddled Shaky Connection to Phil Collins

Several automakers have recently been seen attempting to ditch the spare tire. They’re replacing their full-sized spares with space-savers, and their space-savers with run-flats. An even cheaper solution is to replace spare tire kits with nothing but a can of fix-a-flat. We sat down with a representative from Ford to get more details. Defending their decision to replace a spare tire with a can of … Continue reading Automakers: Forget the Spare Tire; This Can of Spraypaint Hooked-Up to a Bendy Straw Will be Fine

BEIRUT– Finding ourselves in the right place at the right time, we were squatting on a runway in Lebanon playing dice with some locals when Carlos Ghosn’s chartered plane came into land. Realizing the situation we were in, questions were hastily prepared and rushed over to the wanted executive. Ghosn was hesitant to even speak to us, but after we asked a few unsolicited questions … Continue reading Our Exclusive Interview with Carlos Ghosn on the Runway in Lebanon: Murano NISMO Unlikely

ANN ARBOR, MICHIGAN–Entering an extremely competitive segment of the automotive landscape, Domino’s Pizza joined the car business early Wednesday morning after unveiling an in-house electric crossover at their Midwest headquarters. The compact vehicle–dressed in trademark Domino’s livery–will allegedly come with standard features such as a 22″ touchscreen, a hands-free liftgate, and fucked up cheese that slid off the pizza during transit and solidified in the … Continue reading Domino’s Enters Automotive Fray by Releasing Electric Crossover with Fucked Up Cheese All Over the Goddamn Box

Hovering fifty feet above the ground with his eyes glowing an intense shade of crimson, Doug DeMuro achieved a state of Nirvana Wednesday afternoon, declaring, “I HAVE DONE IT.” The popular automotive journalist then began to vaporize nearby parked cars with laser beams emanating from his eyes. The destruction was punctuated by exclamations of “THIS!” in the tone typical of his video’s introductions, but also … Continue reading Levitating Doug DeMuro Wearing Fifty T-Shirts Achieves Nirvana After Reviewing Oscar Meyer Wienermobile