Author: Peter H

Product design student in Philadelphia and mediocre writer in my underwear.

GM Insider Says Executives Treat Cadillac Like, “Your frustrated dad treats a malfunctioning printer”

DETROIT—B/T was at Cadillac headquarters Friday to get information about the new CT6 V. However, the meeting in the small glass conference room veered slightly off topic. “We are upset that the CT6 V is only gonna be limited production,” our host, James said. “But really, we consider ourselves lucky that we were able to do it at-” “You piece of shit!” A voice exclaimed … Continue reading GM Insider Says Executives Treat Cadillac Like, “Your frustrated dad treats a malfunctioning printer”

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Jalopnik Is Hiring! Just Bring A Fucking Pen And Make Sure You Can Only Breath Out Of Your Mouth

NEW YORK CITY—Recently the team at B/T got invited to a meeting of the staff writers and editorial board of Jalopnik. We weren’t sure about going, and then when we got there things got worse. Their chief editor asked, “Okay guys, so we’re looking for new stuff to put up this week. What do you guys have?” One of the writers raised her hand. “Okay, … Continue reading Jalopnik Is Hiring! Just Bring A Fucking Pen And Make Sure You Can Only Breath Out Of Your Mouth

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Aston Martin Says The Tail Lights On The 2019 Vantage Were Inspired By, “Emilia Clarke’s eyebrows”

GAYDON—After seeing the rear end of the new Aston Martin Vantage, we took a plane to the UK to knock on the door down at Aston’s headquarters. Aston’s chief designer met with us, and showed us his mood board for styling the exterior of the new sports car. “Well you see here we have a cheetah mid-sprint, a Eurofighter Typhoon, an osprey about to strike,” … Continue reading Aston Martin Says The Tail Lights On The 2019 Vantage Were Inspired By, “Emilia Clarke’s eyebrows”

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Ford Guys Everywhere Quietly Relieved GT500 Does Not Have 3.5 Liter Ecoboost

DEARBORN—Seeing Ford released the new GT500 yesterday, we hopped on a plane to Dearborn to talk to our friend Derek, the Mustang enthusiast and self proclaimed “Ford guy’s Ford guy”. We asked Derek what he thought about the new GT500. “Well it’s sick! Who cares if there’s no manual. Shits outdated.” We nodded like we agreed with him and continued questioning. So he wasnt worried … Continue reading Ford Guys Everywhere Quietly Relieved GT500 Does Not Have 3.5 Liter Ecoboost

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Jeep Says You Want The New Gladiator In The Same Way You Would Probably Have Sex With Helen Mirren

TOLEDO—In a press conference Tuesday, marketing executives at Jeep described the strategy behind selling the new Wrangler pickup. “Look at this thing. You know you want it. It looks hot.” “But we know the problem.” “It’s a Chrysler product.” The man took a brief pause. “Think about it this way.” “You would totally fuck Helen Mirren. Sure, she’s like ninety right? But just look at … Continue reading Jeep Says You Want The New Gladiator In The Same Way You Would Probably Have Sex With Helen Mirren

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New Subaru Ad Features Hysterically Happy White Couple Driving Forester Through Eleven Feet Of Snow With Eighteen Golden Retrievers

SHIBUYA—We were invited by Subaru to come and see a screening of their new TV ad for North America. Subaru flew us out to Tokyo to share it with us. The ad starts on a quiet Maine road, when all of a sudden the snow is parted like an invisible plow is running through it at incredible speed. The camera cuts to inside of a … Continue reading New Subaru Ad Features Hysterically Happy White Couple Driving Forester Through Eleven Feet Of Snow With Eighteen Golden Retrievers

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Mazda Representative Claims New Skyactiv Engine Does 50 MPG Highway And, “Some Pretty Weird Shit”

FUCHU— Mazda has invited Bald Tires to attend a demo of their new SkyActiv Engine technology at their headquarters in Japan. We hopped on a plane, and headed across the Pacific to inspect their new technology. We were seated in a room with a new SkyActiv engine cutaway placed in the middle, and a marketing executive began to speak. “At Mazda, we have decided to … Continue reading Mazda Representative Claims New Skyactiv Engine Does 50 MPG Highway And, “Some Pretty Weird Shit”

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