Signifying the end of the 2010s with a superlatively performing machine, a report published Tuesday indicated the automotive industry is just one awful business decision away from creating what is expected to be celebrated as the performance car of the decade. “This car will be a hit with auto journalists all over the world,” a reporter said. “They can expect to easily sell fifty of … Continue reading Report: Automaker Just One Terrible Business Decision Away From Performance Car Of The Decade

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Providing a scientific basis for a popular perspective, a study conducted at Harvard University concluded that, for all cars, the currently outgoing model is superior to its upcoming replacement. “We initially formed our hypothesis from field observation,” a researcher said. “We noticed a pattern forming: the MK4 and MK5 Supra, the growing Mini Cooper, and the Corvette’s shift to a mid-engined layout.” … Continue reading Study Finds Outgoing Model Better Than Not-Yet-Released Successor

LOS ANGELES– Surprising everybody and absolutely nobody at the same time, Tesla unveiled their new “Cybertruck” Thursday night and announced they would be taking $100 reservations. This seemed appropriate for the California company, who has previously been known to partake in selling things that may or may not actually exist. When we asked Elon Musk for comment about shaping their vehicle like a pyramid, he … Continue reading Tesla Unveils World’s First Pyramid Shaped Pyramid Scheme

LOS ANGELES, CA — Making great strides in autonomous vehicle technology, Toyota announced at the Los Angeles auto show the Prius will now include a feature that helps drivers avoid venturing out of the left lane. “The system scans the road ahead and determines if there is an available lane to the driver’s left side,” a spokesperson said. “If a faster vehicle is approaching, it … Continue reading Toyota Adds Left Lane Keep Assist To Prius

SAN ANTONIO, TX — Spontaneously appearing from an infinitely bright ball of light and electricity, a human-machine hybrid reportedly arrived yesterday from three decades in the future with grim news that the Toyota Tundra still had yet to undergo a redesign. “He just appeared out of nowhere.” a witness said, trembling. “He was butt-naked.” The witness said the cyborg approached him and demanded to know … Continue reading Time-Traveling Cyborg Returns From 2056 To Warn Humanity of Toyota Tundra’s 23rd Mid-Cycle Refresh

MARANELLO– In an effort to maintain the exclusivity of their brand, Ferrari revealed a track-only, ultra-high-performance supercar on Monday. The Italian marque says it is only available to customers who currently own five of the company’s most collectible models, and sign an agreement that they will kidnap Mercedes F1 boss Toto Wolff and bring him safely to Ferrari’s headquarters. “This vehicle is intended for purchase … Continue reading Ferrari Unveils Limited-Edition Hypercar You Can’t Buy Unless You Own Five Other Collector Ferraris And Kidnap Toto Wolff

WHITLEY, UK — Boasting some of the best off-road prowess in the industry, Land Rover announced Wednesday their new Defender is capable of climbing onto a tow truck bed positioned at up to a 35-degree angle relative to the shoulder of the road. “This gives the Defender a better approach angle than any rival,” a Land Rover engineer said. “By comparison, a Jeep Wrangler can … Continue reading New Land Rover Defender Capable Of Ascending Tow Truck Bed At Up To 35-Degree Angle

DETROIT, MI — Conceding ignorance of an award they have repeatedly flaunted, General Motors announced Monday they have “absolutely no fucking idea” what J.D. Power’s ‘Initial Quality’ award signifies. “The first time we heard J.D. Power gave us the award, we were confused, but we decided to run with it,” said Mary Barra, chairperson and CEO of General Motors, “but now, they keep giving us … Continue reading General Motors Admits They Have Zero Fucking Clue What ‘Initial Quality’ Means