Porsche Offers to Delay Payments for New Vehicles for as Long as Six Minutes

Offering incentives for customers affected by the pandemic to purchase the brand’s current offerings, Porsche announced Friday they are offering delayed payment plans on all new in-stock models for a period of up to six minutes from the date of acquisition. We spoke with local orthodontist Glenn Owens, who recently took advantage of the promotion. “I’ve been wanting a 911 for about 50 years now,” … Continue reading Porsche Offers to Delay Payments for New Vehicles for as Long as Six Minutes

Trump Administration Sends Relief Checks to Every American Except that Guy who Paid Over Three Hundred Grand for a 240Z

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Providing financial relief for economically displaced workers, the Trump administration confirmed last week it will send a check to several million Americans. That is, every American except one man who recently purchased a 1971 Datsun 240Z for a whopping $310,000. “This decision shows a level of fiscal irresponsibility unlike anything we’ve ever seen,” said president Trump. “You have the crash of 2008, … Continue reading Trump Administration Sends Relief Checks to Every American Except that Guy who Paid Over Three Hundred Grand for a 240Z

Consumers Urged Not to Hoard Cleaning Supplies, Bottled Water, Air-Cooled 911s

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Attempting to curb panic resulting from the worldwide outbreak of COVID-19, U.S. government officials urged consumers at a press conference Friday to refrain from unnecessarily stockpiling cleaning supplies, bottled water, and air-cooled Porsche 911s. “Please only buy what you need,” said Mike Pence, avoiding eye contact with audience members and cameras. “If we can avoid hoarding, there is plenty of supply to go around.” … Continue reading Consumers Urged Not to Hoard Cleaning Supplies, Bottled Water, Air-Cooled 911s

Car Bra Addresses Negligible Risk of Barely-Visible Scratches by Covering Entire Front Fascia with Eyesore Garbage Bag

SCOTTSDALE, AZ — Preserving the condition of paint no one will ever see, local dad Kevin Bridges reportedly fitted a bra to the front of his 2015 Toyota Camry he recently purchased from CarMax. “Gotta protect her from rock chips,” he said, noting the infinitesimally small possibility a jagged mineral formation might suddenly hurtle directly toward the front clip of his car and make sufficiently … Continue reading Car Bra Addresses Negligible Risk of Barely-Visible Scratches by Covering Entire Front Fascia with Eyesore Garbage Bag

New Silverado HD Features 8 Cameras Including One in Cab for Taking Angry-Looking Facebook Profile Picture

DETROIT, MI — Offering perhaps the most advanced in-car camera system in the entire automotive industry, the redesigned 2020 Chevrolet Silverado HD features a total of eight cameras mounted around the vehicle. The most notable is the camera in the cab, which points at the driver. It is optimized for taking angry photographs that can be used as a Facebook profile picture. “The new Silverado … Continue reading New Silverado HD Features 8 Cameras Including One in Cab for Taking Angry-Looking Facebook Profile Picture

New Bring-A-Trailer Record: 317k-Mile, Nine-Owner Cavalier Fetches $56.43, a few Bites from Buyer’s Tuna Salad Sandwich

This 1993 Chevrolet Cavalier was sold new by Courtesy Chevrolet in San Jose, CA. It shows just over 317,000 original miles. Sporting a two-tone White over Faded Grey Plastic Cladding exterior, with a beige cloth interior, the car is powered by a 2.2-liter inline-four engine, which is mated to a three-speed automatic transmission and sends power to the front wheels. The car was purchased new … Continue reading New Bring-A-Trailer Record: 317k-Mile, Nine-Owner Cavalier Fetches $56.43, a few Bites from Buyer’s Tuna Salad Sandwich

Chevy Spark Receives Inaugural J.D. Power Participation Award

COSTA MESA, CA — Feeling confident it tried as hard as it could, the 2020 Chevrolet Spark received J.D. Power’s inaugural Participation Award during an award ceremony Thursday evening. “We thought it was a bit unfair that the Honda Fit kept getting all the praise,” said a representative of J.D. Power. “Now, everyone gets recognized for something.” The Spark smiled brightly as it posed for … Continue reading Chevy Spark Receives Inaugural J.D. Power Participation Award

Bring a Trailer User Given Netflix Stand-Up Special After Placing $1,957 Bid On Mercedes-Benz 300SL

GLENDALE, CA — Sourcing yet another example of undiscovered talent, Netflix offered Bring a Trailer user ShaneMiller_007 a 2-hour stand-up comedy special after the 27-year-old placed a $1,957 bid on a 1957 Mercedes-Benz 300SL Gullwing listed for auction. “I laughed my ass off,” the seller said. “I had a million-dollar reserve on the car, but I considered lifting it and giving the guy the car … Continue reading Bring a Trailer User Given Netflix Stand-Up Special After Placing $1,957 Bid On Mercedes-Benz 300SL

Chevy Suburban Only Fourth-Most Facelifted Recipient Of Star On Hollywood Walk Of Fame

LOS ANGELES, CA — Uprooting a longstanding tradition and hierarchy, the Chevrolet Suburban recently became the fourth-most-plasticky recipient of a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. “The top five spots have been uncontested for decades,” said a reporter for the Los Angeles Times. “We predicted a long, long time would pass before someone — or something — with this much plastic inside would get a … Continue reading Chevy Suburban Only Fourth-Most Facelifted Recipient Of Star On Hollywood Walk Of Fame

Report: Automaker Just One Terrible Business Decision Away From Performance Car Of The Decade

Signifying the end of the 2010s with a superlatively performing machine, a report published Tuesday indicated the automotive industry is just one awful business decision away from creating what is expected to be celebrated as the performance car of the decade. “This car will be a hit with auto journalists all over the world,” a reporter said. “They can expect to easily sell fifty of … Continue reading Report: Automaker Just One Terrible Business Decision Away From Performance Car Of The Decade