Porsche Clarifies Base Taycan, Ten Thousand AAA Batteries Sold Separately

ATLANTA, GA — Complying with federal disclaimer requirements, Porsche issued a statement Wednesday that the ten thousand AAA batteries required to power the base Taycan are not included with purchase, but rather sold separately. “This decision allows us to keep prices down,” a Porsche spokesperson said. “The additional weight of the batteries would have caused shipping costs to skyrocket.” The spokesperson confirmed more upmarket trim … Continue reading Porsche Clarifies Base Taycan, Ten Thousand AAA Batteries Sold Separately

New Land Rover Defender Capable Of Ascending Tow Truck Bed At Up To 35-Degree Angle

WHITLEY, UK — Boasting some of the best off-road prowess in the industry, Land Rover announced Wednesday their new Defender is capable of climbing onto a tow truck bed positioned at up to a 35-degree angle relative to the shoulder of the road. “This gives the Defender a better approach angle than any rival,” a Land Rover engineer said. “By comparison, a Jeep Wrangler can … Continue reading New Land Rover Defender Capable Of Ascending Tow Truck Bed At Up To 35-Degree Angle

General Motors Admits They Have Zero Fucking Clue What ‘Initial Quality’ Means

DETROIT, MI — Conceding ignorance of an award they have repeatedly flaunted, General Motors announced Monday they have “absolutely no fucking idea” what J.D. Power’s ‘Initial Quality’ award signifies. “The first time we heard J.D. Power gave us the award, we were confused, but we decided to run with it,” said Mary Barra, chairperson and CEO of General Motors, “but now, they keep giving us … Continue reading General Motors Admits They Have Zero Fucking Clue What ‘Initial Quality’ Means

Mercedes Introduces Quasi-AMG Trim Level Of Coupe Version Of SUV Variant Of Four-Door Coupe Variety Of Two-Door Coupe Version Of E-Class Sedan

GENEVA — Taking great care to compete in the infinitesimally small market niche, Mercedes announced Friday they will soon unveil an AMG 53 variant of the coupe SUV based on the four-door coupe version of the two-door coupe version of the popular E-Class sedan. “The new model will be called the Mercedes-AMG GCLS 53 Coupe 4Matic Edition One Designo Package,” a spokesperson proudly declared. “It … Continue reading Mercedes Introduces Quasi-AMG Trim Level Of Coupe Version Of SUV Variant Of Four-Door Coupe Variety Of Two-Door Coupe Version Of E-Class Sedan

Nissan Hastily Cancels 370Z Roadster After Discovering Production Has Been On AutoPlay Since 2012

FRANKLIN, TN — Scrambling to cease manufacturing of the aging model, Nissan announced at a press conference Saturday that they have canceled their 370Z roadster. The news comes after over a decade of uneventful production. “We had no idea this thing was still being made,” the spokesperson said, still catching his breath from scrambling about Nissan’s headquarters. “It was supposed to be canned after 2012.” … Continue reading Nissan Hastily Cancels 370Z Roadster After Discovering Production Has Been On AutoPlay Since 2012

Montana License Plate Homesick After Three Years With Ferrari 488 In California

Nostalgic for a simpler lifestyle in its home state, Montana license plate FGU 467 admitted it has begun to feel homesick after spending three years affixed to a Ferrari 488 belonging to southern California resident Kyle Erskine. “I was excited when I found out I’d be working in California,” the plate said. “I figured it would be a fantastic, exciting adventure.” “It has been,” the … Continue reading Montana License Plate Homesick After Three Years With Ferrari 488 In California

Next-Generation Porsche 911 GT3 To Feature Value Inflation Gauge As Standard

STUTTGART — Offering a simple way for collectors to monitor their investments, Porsche confirmed that the upcoming 992 generation of the 911 GT3 will feature a gauge that displays the vehicle’s inflated secondhand market value in real time. The meter will be standard equipment on all GT3 models. In typical Porsche fashion, it can be specced in a variety of colors and materials, some of … Continue reading Next-Generation Porsche 911 GT3 To Feature Value Inflation Gauge As Standard

Exquisite Collector’s 2003 Corvette One Of Just 97,641,935 Produced In Red

FORT WORTH, TX — Having acquired an immensely rare combination of color and model year, local car collector Don Bryanton was reported to own one of just ninety-seven million, six hundred forty-one thousand, nine hundred thirty-five examples of the 2003 Chevrolet Corvette finished in “Red” from the factory. “She’s a real one-of-a-kind,” he told us in an interview, affectionately patting the car’s roof a few … Continue reading Exquisite Collector’s 2003 Corvette One Of Just 97,641,935 Produced In Red

McLaren GT Capable Of Reaching 60 MPH, Obsolescence Faster Than Rivals

WOKING, UK — Ushering in a brief new era of performance, McLaren confirmed that its new GT supercar will reach 60 mph and complete obsolescence quicker than any of its rivals. We sat down with a spokesperson for details.  “It’s quicker to 60 miles an hour than the F1, and the tech features will be rendered totally defunct in as little as one year.” The … Continue reading McLaren GT Capable Of Reaching 60 MPH, Obsolescence Faster Than Rivals

Car Enthusiasts Pissed That Reviews Of 2020 Toyota Supra Generally Favorable

UNITED STATES — Following the removal of the press embargo last Sunday, car enthusiasts nationwide were reported to be pretty pissed off that the reviews of the fifth-generation Toyota Supra have generally been favorable. Several automotive journalists have extended praise to the Supra’s only available transmission, which is an eight-speed automatic and uses a traditional torque converter. The gearbox has been dubbed responsive, quick, and … Continue reading Car Enthusiasts Pissed That Reviews Of 2020 Toyota Supra Generally Favorable