Jatco CVT Ditches 2021 Nissan Pathfinder

Citing widespread issues and complaints as the reason for the separation, Jatco has confirmed its CVT will no longer use a 2021 Nissan Pathfinder, which will instead feature a more traditional nine-speed automatic. “We had some serious quality concerns,” said a Jatco spokesman about the three-row crossover SUV. “Numerous owners reported catastrophic failure at as low as 50,000 miles.” Indeed, many disgruntled customers were eager … Continue reading Jatco CVT Ditches 2021 Nissan Pathfinder

Mustang Driver Exiting Virtual Car Meet Crashes Computer

BOISE, ID — Unsuccessfully attempting a spectacular departure, area Mustang driver Johnny Manning crashed his computer exiting a virtual car meet over Zoom late Thursday evening. “He was being totally reckless,” said another attendee who had seen the incident from across the street. “He’s lucky he didn’t brick his computer completely.” Manning said he does not recall much of the incident but tried to describe … Continue reading Mustang Driver Exiting Virtual Car Meet Crashes Computer

BMW 4 Series Severely Disfigured in Horrific Marketing Accident

Suffering from debilitating, graphic injuries, the newly redesigned 2021 BMW 4 Series emerged severely disfigured from a horrific marketing accident at the German automaker’s headquarters earlier this year. “We barely recognize the poor thing,” a BMW spokesperson said somberly. “It’s still the same car on the inside, but sadly life will never be the same for it.” The vehicle’s fascia suffered major lacerations, resulting in … Continue reading BMW 4 Series Severely Disfigured in Horrific Marketing Accident

Nation Asks Murano CrossCabriolet Owners for Help Coping with Prolonged Social Isolation

Struggling to adjust to the current realities of daily life, the United States of America has collectively turned to a peculiar subset of its population–owners of Nissan Murano CrossCabriolets–for help coping with prolonged isolation from friends, peers, and loved ones. “We have to trust the experts,” a C.D.C. spokesperson said fervently. “These essential members of our society have far more experience with isolation and social … Continue reading Nation Asks Murano CrossCabriolet Owners for Help Coping with Prolonged Social Isolation

Porsche Offers to Delay Payments for New Vehicles for as Long as Six Minutes

Offering incentives for customers affected by the pandemic to purchase the brand’s current offerings, Porsche announced Friday they are offering delayed payment plans on all new in-stock models for a period of up to six minutes from the date of acquisition. We spoke with local orthodontist Glenn Owens, who recently took advantage of the promotion. “I’ve been wanting a 911 for about 50 years now,” … Continue reading Porsche Offers to Delay Payments for New Vehicles for as Long as Six Minutes

Trump Administration Sends Relief Checks to Every American Except that Guy who Paid Over Three Hundred Grand for a 240Z

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Providing financial relief for economically displaced workers, the Trump administration confirmed last week it will send a check to several million Americans. That is, every American except one man who recently purchased a 1971 Datsun 240Z for a whopping $310,000. “This decision shows a level of fiscal irresponsibility unlike anything we’ve ever seen,” said president Trump. “You have the crash of 2008, … Continue reading Trump Administration Sends Relief Checks to Every American Except that Guy who Paid Over Three Hundred Grand for a 240Z

Consumers Urged Not to Hoard Cleaning Supplies, Bottled Water, Air-Cooled 911s

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Attempting to curb panic resulting from the worldwide outbreak of COVID-19, U.S. government officials urged consumers at a press conference Friday to refrain from unnecessarily stockpiling cleaning supplies, bottled water, and air-cooled Porsche 911s. “Please only buy what you need,” said Mike Pence, avoiding eye contact with audience members and cameras. “If we can avoid hoarding, there is plenty of supply to go around.” … Continue reading Consumers Urged Not to Hoard Cleaning Supplies, Bottled Water, Air-Cooled 911s

Car Bra Addresses Negligible Risk of Barely-Visible Scratches by Covering Entire Front Fascia with Eyesore Garbage Bag

SCOTTSDALE, AZ — Preserving the condition of paint no one will ever see, local dad Kevin Bridges reportedly fitted a bra to the front of his 2015 Toyota Camry he recently purchased from CarMax. “Gotta protect her from rock chips,” he said, noting the infinitesimally small possibility a jagged mineral formation might suddenly hurtle directly toward the front clip of his car and make sufficiently … Continue reading Car Bra Addresses Negligible Risk of Barely-Visible Scratches by Covering Entire Front Fascia with Eyesore Garbage Bag

New Silverado HD Features 8 Cameras Including One in Cab for Taking Angry-Looking Facebook Profile Picture

DETROIT, MI — Offering perhaps the most advanced in-car camera system in the entire automotive industry, the redesigned 2020 Chevrolet Silverado HD features a total of eight cameras mounted around the vehicle. The most notable is the camera in the cab, which points at the driver. It is optimized for taking angry photographs that can be used as a Facebook profile picture. “The new Silverado … Continue reading New Silverado HD Features 8 Cameras Including One in Cab for Taking Angry-Looking Facebook Profile Picture

New Bring-A-Trailer Record: 317k-Mile, Nine-Owner Cavalier Fetches $56.43, a few Bites from Buyer’s Tuna Salad Sandwich

This 1993 Chevrolet Cavalier was sold new by Courtesy Chevrolet in San Jose, CA. It shows just over 317,000 original miles. Sporting a two-tone White over Faded Grey Plastic Cladding exterior, with a beige cloth interior, the car is powered by a 2.2-liter inline-four engine, which is mated to a three-speed automatic transmission and sends power to the front wheels. The car was purchased new … Continue reading New Bring-A-Trailer Record: 317k-Mile, Nine-Owner Cavalier Fetches $56.43, a few Bites from Buyer’s Tuna Salad Sandwich