Tesla Unveils World’s First Pyramid Shaped Pyramid Scheme

LOS ANGELES– Surprising everybody and absolutely nobody at the same time, Tesla unveiled their new “Cybertruck” Thursday night and announced they would be taking $100 reservations. This seemed appropriate for the California company, who has previously been known to partake in selling things that may or may not actually exist. When we asked Elon Musk for comment about shaping their vehicle like a pyramid, he … Continue reading Tesla Unveils World’s First Pyramid Shaped Pyramid Scheme

Toyota Adds Left Lane Keep Assist To Prius

LOS ANGELES, CA — Making great strides in autonomous vehicle technology, Toyota announced at the Los Angeles auto show the Prius will now include a feature that helps drivers avoid venturing out of the left lane. “The system scans the road ahead and determines if there is an available lane to the driver’s left side,” a spokesperson said. “If a faster vehicle is approaching, it … Continue reading Toyota Adds Left Lane Keep Assist To Prius

Time-Traveling Cyborg Returns From 2056 To Warn Humanity of Toyota Tundra’s 23rd Mid-Cycle Refresh

SAN ANTONIO, TX — Spontaneously appearing from an infinitely bright ball of light and electricity, a human-machine hybrid reportedly arrived yesterday from three decades in the future with grim news that the Toyota Tundra still had yet to undergo a redesign. “He just appeared out of nowhere.” a witness said, trembling. “He was butt-naked.” The witness said the cyborg approached him and demanded to know … Continue reading Time-Traveling Cyborg Returns From 2056 To Warn Humanity of Toyota Tundra’s 23rd Mid-Cycle Refresh

Ferrari Unveils Limited-Edition Hypercar You Can’t Buy Unless You Own Five Other Collector Ferraris And Kidnap Toto Wolff

MARANELLO– In an effort to maintain the exclusivity of their brand, Ferrari revealed a track-only, ultra-high-performance supercar on Monday. The Italian marque says it is only available to customers who currently own five of the company’s most collectible models, and sign an agreement that they will kidnap Mercedes F1 boss Toto Wolff and bring him safely to Ferrari’s headquarters. “This vehicle is intended for purchase … Continue reading Ferrari Unveils Limited-Edition Hypercar You Can’t Buy Unless You Own Five Other Collector Ferraris And Kidnap Toto Wolff

Audi Issues Cease And Desist Order Against GMC For “Tailgate Like A Pro” Ad Campaign

HERNDON, VA — Protecting their valuable intellectual property, Audi have reportedly issued a ‘cease and desist’ order against GMC for their “Tailgate Like A Pro” slogan featured in recent Sierra advertisements. “We will not tolerate the unauthorized usage of any form of the word ‘tailgate’ by other automakers,” said an in-house Audi attorney. “It is an integral, proprietary part of our brand identity.” GMC publicly … Continue reading Audi Issues Cease And Desist Order Against GMC For “Tailgate Like A Pro” Ad Campaign

Porsche Clarifies Base Taycan, Ten Thousand AAA Batteries Sold Separately

ATLANTA, GA — Complying with federal disclaimer requirements, Porsche issued a statement Wednesday that the ten thousand AAA batteries required to power the base Taycan are not included with purchase, but rather sold separately. “This decision allows us to keep prices down,” a Porsche spokesperson said. “The additional weight of the batteries would have caused shipping costs to skyrocket.” The spokesperson confirmed more upmarket trim … Continue reading Porsche Clarifies Base Taycan, Ten Thousand AAA Batteries Sold Separately

New Land Rover Defender Capable Of Ascending Tow Truck Bed At Up To 35-Degree Angle

WHITLEY, UK — Boasting some of the best off-road prowess in the industry, Land Rover announced Wednesday their new Defender is capable of climbing onto a tow truck bed positioned at up to a 35-degree angle relative to the shoulder of the road. “This gives the Defender a better approach angle than any rival,” a Land Rover engineer said. “By comparison, a Jeep Wrangler can … Continue reading New Land Rover Defender Capable Of Ascending Tow Truck Bed At Up To 35-Degree Angle

General Motors Admits They Have Zero Fucking Clue What ‘Initial Quality’ Means

DETROIT, MI — Conceding ignorance of an award they have repeatedly flaunted, General Motors announced Monday they have “absolutely no fucking idea” what J.D. Power’s ‘Initial Quality’ award signifies. “The first time we heard J.D. Power gave us the award, we were confused, but we decided to run with it,” said Mary Barra, chairperson and CEO of General Motors, “but now, they keep giving us … Continue reading General Motors Admits They Have Zero Fucking Clue What ‘Initial Quality’ Means

Mercedes Introduces Quasi-AMG Trim Level Of Coupe Version Of SUV Variant Of Four-Door Coupe Variety Of Two-Door Coupe Version Of E-Class Sedan

GENEVA — Taking great care to compete in the infinitesimally small market niche, Mercedes announced Friday they will soon unveil an AMG 53 variant of the coupe SUV based on the four-door coupe version of the two-door coupe version of the popular E-Class sedan. “The new model will be called the Mercedes-AMG GCLS 53 Coupe 4Matic Edition One Designo Package,” a spokesperson proudly declared. “It … Continue reading Mercedes Introduces Quasi-AMG Trim Level Of Coupe Version Of SUV Variant Of Four-Door Coupe Variety Of Two-Door Coupe Version Of E-Class Sedan

Nissan Hastily Cancels 370Z Roadster After Discovering Production Has Been On AutoPlay Since 2012

FRANKLIN, TN — Scrambling to cease manufacturing of the aging model, Nissan announced at a press conference Saturday that they have canceled their 370Z roadster. The news comes after over a decade of uneventful production. “We had no idea this thing was still being made,” the spokesperson said, still catching his breath from scrambling about Nissan’s headquarters. “It was supposed to be canned after 2012.” … Continue reading Nissan Hastily Cancels 370Z Roadster After Discovering Production Has Been On AutoPlay Since 2012