DETROIT—Realizing everything the automaker does is in vain, General Motors announced in a press release Tuesday that the brand would no longer be doing anything related to cars ever again.
“No, we’re not going out of business. Just don’t come into work tomorrow,” an email blast to the entire staff of the company read.
“We’re going to start making pool floats, or pizza, or something. We just need to re-tool to get that going.”
General Motors did not state a specific reason as to why they were changing the nature of their business, however, they repeatedly referred to “That other truck that just got unveiled” multiple times throughout the press release. Several anonymous sources within the company told us that the brand briefly considered selling shovels to ‘dig themselves out of this reality,’ however, the decision was quickly reversed.
“We don’t care what we’re gonna make when we come in next week,” said one employee.
“If it’s calzones, lawn mowers, iced tea, whatever,”
“As long as it ain’t cars, though. That doesn’t really seem to be working.”