Citing a pushback from a Wikipedia article they just read, Ford has announced that the Lincoln brand will soon be no more. The news comes after researchers within Ford Motor Company discovered that President Lincoln, the namesake for the Lincoln brand of automobiles, had no idea what a car was. Not even a clue.
“I mean, the closest thing to a car was like a train at that point,” a spokesperson for Lincoln told us.
“And even then, cars wouldn’t start showing up for years. If you had a time machine and asked President Lincoln what a car was, he would probably either be really confused, or knock you the fuck out for being a time-traveling devil person.”
When we asked the spokesperson if he really thought Lincoln could knock a member of the B/T writing staff out, he assured us that the president would’ve been more than capable.
“Oh yeah, I mean Lincoln was jacked as fuck. Even if you tried some sort of kung fu shit like this,” he said, making a wild chopping gesture with his hands “He would just duck like this and then get behind you in a choke hold.”
“And even if you tried to get out of the choke hold, he would just twist back around and give you one of these, no way you’re getting out of that,” the spokesperson assured us, contorting his body in ever-complicated twisting maneuvers.
When we asked if there were any new names that were being floated, our host continued testing out Lincoln-related counter attacks while trying to recite a list of alternatives from memory.
“Yeah, I don’t know. We got a few other President’s in mind, maybe like Millard Filmore, or something. We haven’t really put a ton of thought into it,”
“We just gotta figure out a name that really encapsulates how easy it is to dominate a segment where Cadillac also exists.”
“Harder than it sounds.”