Jaguar Plans to Re-Release XF Sportbrake Since Nobody Noticed The First Time

“I got it!” exclaimed Jr. Product Manager Jackie Smith while on Jaguar’s quarter product planning meeting Zoom Call. “Can you please mute your dog barking? Ok, thank you. I understand we’re looking to expand our product portfolio, but rather than another hybrid cross-over, what if we just re-release the XF Sportbrake? You know since nobody noticed the uhh first time.”

Silence fell over the Zoom call, a first in the history of Zoom calls. Then, suddenly, Senior Vice President Stanely Harris affirmed the gathered employees.

“Jackie is on to something big.”

Jaguar started the secret XF Sportbrake re-release with leaked camo photos in downtown London, winter testing in Sweden, Summer testing in the Sahara, and of course lapping the Nurburgring. The automotive press ate all of this up and it dominated the news cycle that has so far been ravaged by COVID-19. 

Many journalists, lamenting the lack of wagon offerings, cited this upcoming Jaguar as a breath of fresh air. Jason Fenske of Engineering Explained used leaked interior dimensions to calculate the wagon’s Lacroix carrying capacity, and Doug Demuro was elated to test the new Jaguar’s quirks and features, expressing excitement while sitting in his garage with his puffy dog.

The debut date arrived and all was in place. The live stream event benefited from a choppy connection obscuring viewers’ eyes from the “new” XF Sportbrake. A Jaguar executive took the stage, locked eyes with the teleprompter, and began spewing corporate ad copy.

With the end of the presentation, smoke engulfed the stage and the wagon drove out, headlights cutting through the fog. The resolution of the live stream immediately dropped to that of a Gameboy color, and then it cut out completely.

Journalists and fans flooded the Jaguar website to see the new XF Sportbrake ready for purchase. And since no prior offerings sold, nobody knew the XF Sportbrake debuted twice. 

Leave a Reply