Boomer Defending Late Model Cadillacs Having Tough Time Typing While Stroking It To Pictures of ’57 Chevys

An anonymous source from within a private Facebook group⁠ used to plan and post disgruntled Youtube comments ⁠has reported unsettling news. As a result of the extreme effort needed to simultaneously defend the poor value of vehicles like the Cadillac ELR and pleasure oneself to images of 1957 Tri-Five Chevrolets, baby boomers across the country are reporting difficulty doing both effectively.

“I’m trying to spank it to a purple ’57 Bel-Air with flame decals on it, and I’ll be damned if I can’t keep focused while defending the XLR at the same time,” said one user.

“God damn Sciatica keeps my wrists all stiff and my vision is already going to shit. Has anyone tried just stroking it to ’57s and then defending junk like the ELR? Might have to resort to that.”

Other users had similar problems, with one group member⁠—who’s username was clearly his first name followed by his last name backwards—stating he can only really keep a steady erection when, “the ole ball and chain lets me take the c6 out for a lil spin around the block.”

Equal amounts of trouble were reported when users attempted to purchase second monitors for their computers to make the job easier. A user from Dayton, Ohio warned the rest of the group’s members to avoid shopping online stating, “DON’T PUT YOUR CREDIT CARD ON IT,” referencing the internet, and insisting that, “THATS HOW THEY GET YA.”

Despite these warnings, several users insisted that purchasing these monitors through the “world wide web” was perfectly safe. Other members included that a pair of ‘HD Vision’ sunglasses makes the monitor easier on the eyes as well.

Our source tells us that the advancing age of many of the group’s members make it unlikely for the situation to improve, either. Soon the world may have to live without sexual GIFs in the signatures of forum posters.

“Pretty sad to see these guys go,” our source told us.

“They might just have to bite the bullet and buy one of those $150,000 C8s on Craigslist to get a little energy back.”

One thought on “Boomer Defending Late Model Cadillacs Having Tough Time Typing While Stroking It To Pictures of ’57 Chevys

  1. Incredible! But if you replace the 57 Bel-Air and the ELR with an 87 M3 and an early Tesla Model S this could totally be me in about 40 years

    Like

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