Struggling to adjust to the current realities of daily life, the United States of America has collectively turned to a peculiar subset of its population–owners of Nissan Murano CrossCabriolets–for help coping with prolonged isolation from friends, peers, and loved ones.
“We have to trust the experts,” a C.D.C. spokesperson said fervently. “These essential members of our society have far more experience with isolation and social distancing than the rest of us.”
A few CrossCabriolet owners responded to the nation’s request (many reluctantly for fear of being socially ostracized), with their answers varying wildly.
“There’s a pandemic?” Keith Barglow asked after begrudgingly answering the door in his bath robe. “I had no idea. I haven’t left the house in months.”
“Just be yourself,” said personal injury attorney Joseph Walwurst, who won his CrossCabriolet on Wheel of Fortune in 2011. “It comes natural.”
“Serves you all right,” snarked local man Angus Stape from beneath his trilby. “Welcome to the club.”
The nation has reported it is no less confused than prior to submitting the request, citing difficulty communicating effectively with CrossCabriolet owners.
This story is still developing.