In what seems like an attempt to carry-on doing good deeds, Ford released a video statement late Sunday evening outlining a plan to turn thousands of their troublesome DPS6 dual-clutch transmissions into anchors for small watercraft. Although the company is still gathering the units from their dealership network, they say they have a comprehensive plan for their conversion.
“I mean first of all, we’re going to get all of the lube out of these things so Nemo isn’t drowning in gear oil. That’s important. Those fuckers at Downy will get their chance to clean up some ducklings some other time. After that we’re gonna weld a big carbiner to the top of them, so you can attach a chain real easy.”
The Ford representative stood on a stage next to one of the converted transmissions. He opened and closed the carabiner a few times to make it more clear how easy the whole process would be.
“After that, you’re just gonna have to find a chain somewhere to hook up to this guy. You could even use a rope I guess–maybe even your belt if you were careful about it.”
The spokesman then undid his belt and looped it around the carabiner. He wrapped the leather around his hand a few times to get a good grip on it, and then straddled the gearbox, pulling hard.
He strained and lifted it off of the ground a few inches.
“Fuck, this thing is heavy.”
He dropped it back down onto his stage and wiped the sweat from his brow, exhausted.
“Man, yeah. That will stop a fucking boat, let me tell you.”
He began to wrap his belt back around his waist.
“I mean, at least a dinghy. Shit is heavy as hell. Could probably do something bigger like a Bassmaster once you got the hang of it.”