Consumers Urged Not to Hoard Cleaning Supplies, Bottled Water, Air-Cooled 911s

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Attempting to curb panic resulting from the worldwide outbreak of COVID-19, U.S. government officials urged consumers at a press conference Friday to refrain from unnecessarily stockpiling cleaning supplies, bottled water, and air-cooled Porsche 911s.

“Please only buy what you need,” said Mike Pence, avoiding eye contact with audience members and cameras. “If we can avoid hoarding, there is plenty of supply to go around.”

Indeed, retailers have confirmed they are still receiving a steady stream of supply of the vehicles, and do not expect a shortage anytime soon.

“There are hundreds of thousands of old Porsches in circulation,” said a Bring-a-Trailer executive. “If we run out of stock on any given day, we will have a full shipment within the next 24 hours.”

Many dealers have had to limit the number of units per household. High-end car dealership CNC Motors, for instance, allows only 25 shoppers in the dealership at once, and each household is limited to no more than two of any combination of 964s, 930s, and 993s.

Consumers have felt the economic consequences of panic-buying, ranging from limited supply to rapidly climbing prices.

“I can’t find a 1988 Carrera in Guards Red anywhere,” said local dentist Dennis Sherman. “I’ve even seen people getting into fights in the store over these things.”

“I’ve thought about using a substitute, like a brand-new 992, but that just won’t cut it, even in a time like this.”

U.S. government officials have instituted a ban on price-gouging, stating anyone who tries to sell an air-cooled 911 for 10% more than the price of an equivalent 991 shall be subjected to substantial fines.

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