CDC: Those Confused About Quarantine Should Act Like Retired Neighbor’s Corvette

WASHINGTON, D.C.–In a statement intended to reduce confusion concerning the definition of quarantine, the CDC told gathered press at the White House a valuable analogy in the fight against COVID-19.

“You know your retired neighbor, right? The one with the Corvette?” said a CDC representative.

The gathered press looked around at each other, wondering how the rep knew their the identity of one of their neighbors.

“His name is probably Scott, or Larry.”

One of the gathered press spoke up. “Yeah. How do you know Larry?”

The CDC rep waved his hand dismissively. “It doesn’t matter how I know Larry. Okay? We all know Larry. Do you every notice how he treats his car?”

The press pool was silent for a moment as they thought. One of them spoke up after a beat.

“Yeah. He only takes it out of the house like once a week, max.”

The representative nodded and began to speak, but was cut off by another reporter.

“Yeah, and even when he does take it out, he never goes very far. Sometimes just into the driveway to get some air. He’s always alone.”

“That’s right!” said the CDC rep.

“He isn’t going far, and he’s isolating himself from other people. His trips are quick, responsible, and when he gets back he makes sure everything is squeaky clean.”

The press pool began to understand the analogy.

“So if you’ve got shit-for-brains and you can’t wrap your head around the word ‘quarantine’, just act like your neighbor’s Corvette, okay? Act like Scott’s yellow C6 with the chrome wheels.”

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