Trump Secures Five Billion Dollars to Ensure Pontiac’s Survival In Tumultuous Economy

WASHINGTON D.C.–Seeming to let the ongoing COVID-19 crisis get to his head, President Trump appeared to have a bit of a senior moment early Saturday morning after calling a press conference to ensure Pontiac will indeed weather this financial storm. A spokesperson from Pontiac, which hasn’t existed since 2010, didn’t say anything, because he/she does not exist.

“We will make sure–believe me, we will make sure, that Pontiac, our beautiful, American car company, will survive this time of economic… uncertainty.”

The president stopped to cough a few times and then continued.

“Their great models like the GTO, Solstice, and Sunfire, will continue to be sold like normal. We will ensure that their beautiful factories–and I do mean beautiful, people–will continue to bustle with the labor of the American worker.”

Trump then stepped off the stage, refusing questions while he nursed his nose with a wad of tissues. He stood back up to the microphone briefly.

“I have appointed my son–the one with the big gums–Erin, or something, the official czar of Sunfire production.”

Eric smiled from the corner of the stage, his gums gleaming in the flashes from the press’s cameras. He stood up to and began to address the crowd of journalists, but the President quickly cut him off.

“That’s great, Eric. Perfect. We all love the Sunfire. Love it. Alright. No questions at this time, Thank you.”

And with that, the group left the stage.

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