Joe Biden Says He’s Giving Out Free SARS Test Kits to Anyone Who Can Get 2nd Gear Scratch In his Nephew’s Datsun

WILMINGTON, D.E.–Doing his part to help curtail the spread of Coronavirus, Presidential hopeful Joe Biden held an event this weekend in Wilmington Delaware–sponsored by his teenage nephew’s Nissan 370z. It was a challenge to see who could chirp second gear while shifting the vehicle in question. The prize was–confusingly–a test kit for the now eliminated SARS virus.

“Come on, step right up!” said Biden, opening the door to the idling Nissan. “It’s no Stingray, but by god if this thing wont get a little scratch! Just got a little action myself. Come on!”

Biden waved a female audience member into the driver’s seat of the 370z as his nephew looked on nervously. Confused members of the CDC wearing hazmat suits stood on the sidelines behind a folding table. Bags of test kits for SARS–which hasn’t been transmitted since 2004–were sitting in front of them.

Biden gave the now helmeted driver a few words of encouragement, and walked away from the vehicle, smacking on the rear fender a few times. The car then lurched forward, starting in first gear. As it reached red line, the driver yanked the transmission into second, causing an audible chirp.

“YEAH! HELL YEAH! FUCK YEAH!” said Biden, cheering on the driver. He looked over at the motionless members of the CDC behind their table and gestured for them to cheer as well. Muffled murmurs were heard behind their masks as they apathetically pumped their fists.

The driver returned and got out of the car. Biden congratulated her by making a little too much physical contact and then directed her to the folding table. She was given a free test kit, and the Presidential hopeful called up the next challenger.

“Come on! You! On the end! Fatso! Get up here!”

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