BMW Projects Record Earnings After Teasing New, “We want to die, we hate what we’ve become, don’t buy the new 4 Series” Package for New 4 Series

MUNICH–Simultaneously attempting to hype the release of their new vehicle and end their tortured existence, BMW projected record earnings this quarter after introducing an unusual new trim for the 4 Series. The trim, titled; “We want to die, we hate what we’ve become, don’t buy the new 4 Series” is rather candid with its intended function. It includes massive kidney grilles reaching down to the bottom of the front fascia. We spoke to a BMW representative to get more details.

We waited in a lobby area with a secretary before we were ushered into our host’s office. When we walked in, he was speaking into one of several phones ringing on his desk. He motioned for us to sit as he was listening into one of the handsets.

“Yeah, you said bigger?” he repeated, smiling very widely. “Yes. Of course we can make it just one big opening. Forget two!”

He continued to listen as tears began to well up in his eyes. He looked back up at us, still smiling as we approached his desk.

“Well if that’s what the focus group says!”

We sat down and waited for his phone call to end. As he listened to the person on the other end of the line, he kept glancing towards the corner of the room. He seemed very nervous. We turned around to see what was causing him such distress, spotting a CCTV camera observing us.

We started to ask a question as soon as his first call ended, but he lifted a finger, indicating for us to wait. He picked up another phone and began to speak, still smiling.

“You said those shocks and springs still need to be softer?”

We sensed a little pain in his voice. An inaudible murmur responded to him.

“Yeah sure, no problem! And the steering? You said add another bushing?”

A tear rolled down his beaming face as he stared blankly off into the distance.

“Got it. Add that bushing. Is there anything else?”

Continuing to listen, his eyes wandered onto his desk. He grasped a picture frame containing an image of a dark green E30 325is coupe. He stared at it, his smile waning slightly. Another tear rolled past his nose. He produced a tissue and wiped his eyes as he continued to listen.

Then, in a moment of realization, he reached onto a pad of sticky notes. He pulled one off, and began to write. When our host was finished, he stuck it to the table in front of us.

“CHINA WATCHING”

He looked at both of us when we had finished reading, smiling very wide. He then covered the receiver on his handset.

“This answers your question? Yes?”

We beckoned for the pad of notes. He handed them to us along with a pen, and we began to scribble together a few questions.

“Hi, Derek? Yes? You said you want the grille to be gold?”

He swiveled his chair around, facing the window. He looked outside, absorbing what his caller requested. He turned back around.

“Okay, just a moment please, I just need to grab something.”

He put the handset down on the table and opened a drawer at the bottom of his desk, producing a pillow. He wrapped it around his face and screamed into it as loud as he could.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

He paused for a moment, catching his breath.

“FFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!”

After a few more breaths with his face in the pillow, he removed it to reveal his usual friendly expression. He replaced the pillow in its drawer and got back on the phone. As he transitioned between another call, we handed him one of the notes we had written.

Our host read carefully, and then tapped a few keystrokes into his computer.

He lifted the phone to his mouth, “Yes, this package comes as-standard. Yes, of course. Okay.”

He invited us to look at his monitor, which was facing away from the CCTV camera. On the screen was an image of both the X7 and latest 7 Series with regular-sized grilles. He then opened a word processor and typed the word “CHINA”. Deleting this, he wrote, “CHINA ONLY SEE SMILE”. He pointed at his face.

We jotted down several BMW model names on another note as he answered more questions from his caller. We turned it around so he could read it, and he nodded seeming very pleased.

“Almost everything besides the sedans is a fucking mistake.” he said at regular volume, completely unconsciously. His face went red as the person on the other end of the line questioned his remark.

Our host laughed, “No, no. Haha. I said the sedans define everything we make!”

The voice laughed as our host laughed back.

“Yes, of course! Haha, what did you think I said?”

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