Cadillac CT6 Successor Released and Discontinued in 32 Minutes

DETROIT–Production of the long-awaited successor to Cadillac’s prehistoric CT6 sedan initiated Tuesday afternoon at an unveiling in one of their factories. The American luxury brand insists that the CT6, with a lifespan of four years, had stuck around for far too long.

“The brand new engine and chassis for the CT6 were cool, but they weren’t, like, great, you know?” said our host, Steven, seeming to backpedal on the hundreds of millions spent developing the sedan.

We disagreed, saying that both the Blackwing V8 and new chassis were both very modern and impressive.

Steven seemed to not hear anything we said. After a pause, he invited us down to the other end of the production line, where the first CT6 successor, the CT7, was about to roll off the line. Excited at the prospect of a CT6 sucessor, we prodded Steven for information as we were led across the assembly area.

“Well, it’s lower, longer, and wider than the CT6. It has a hybrid powertrain, with a combined total output of about 800 horsepower. Blackwing is standard, of course.”

We were giddy with anticipation as we arrived at the end of the assembly line. The first new car was under a sheet, and a team of GM executives and employees were waiting for the vehicle to be unveiled. After a short speech, the car was uncovered, and it looked brilliant. The interior also looked extremely well put together.

Several GM employees shook hands and exchanged affirmations as corporate camera people snapped away. Steven reached for a controller on the end of a thick cable, pressing a big green button. The car rolled off the line and was driven outside.

He walked us back down the line, explaining the various new manufacturing processes. We watched as engines were lowered into chassis, frames were welded together, and interiors were bolted into place.

Then, Steven reached for a walkie-talkie strapped to his waistband.

“Oh? Ok. Yeah. You sure? Ok. Sounds good.”

He put down the radio and yelled back to the end of the line:

“ALRIGHT THAT’S IT!”

The assembly line ground to a halt and the group of executives once again gathered at the end of it. They exchanged hearty handshakes and affirmed eachother about the excellent job they all did for a second time. We were confused. We asked them if that was truly the end of production.

“Yeah!” responded Steven.

“We’re gonna do something else with this factory now. Word from top brass is that we’re gonna completely change our naming scheme–maybe dump hundreds of millions of dollars into a new engine that’s only in a single model for one year. Then, after we do that, were g-“

Steven robotically removed his phone from his pocket as other executives did the same thing simultaneously. They carefully read an email from the brand new CEO–just hired that morning.

“Actually, this is going to be a Cavalier factory now. We’re bringing back the Cavalier as a Cadillac SUV.”

His phone buzzed again.

“Nevermind, scratch that. This is going to be the factory for the new El Dorado, It’s going to b-“

The buzzing continued.

“Actually, the Cimarron is back! The new Cadillac Cimar-“

“The new home of the re-designed XTS! The re-desig-“

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