Toyota: GR Yaris Coming to United States but Only if You Beg for It You Pathetic Piece of Shit

NEW YORK CITY–“Don’t look at me, cretin! I don’t want to be harried by your filth!” said a Toyota of North America executive, draped in Yaris-themed royal garb. He stared-down the media audience as he confidently sauntered through the lavish ceremony. Set in an elegant ballroom in New York City, it was held to gauge stateside interest for the Yaris GR hatchback.

The executive wandered through the crowd of journalists as soft, classical music was being played in the background by a live quartet. The Toyota representative was extending his right arm as effortlessly as possible. Upon his pinkie was a golden, Toyota branded ring. He invited the press to kiss it as a sign of fealty.

Located in the center of the ballroom was a GR Yaris. The keys to the vehicle were tethered on a gilded string, hanging just out of reach to those on the ground.

“Oh, you may try and reach the keys!” the executive said, an assistant dangling a shrimp into his mouth. “But you may have a little trouble!”

Several journalists approached the danging key, only to find the floor below it had been greased. As they jumped and bounded they fell over, landing on top of eachother. Attempts to use an object to stand upon were foiled–Toyota had thought of this–The room had no chairs.

“I almost got it!” said one junior editor, making a running start and missing the key by mere inches. He slipped as he landed, toppling a nearby crowd like bowling pins.

“Get it with the cutlery!” somebody shouted.

Soon there were forks and spoons flying across the room, some hit the key while other caused minor injuries.

“One more thing!” the Toyota representative said–a projector screen lowering down from the ceiling. A timer flickered onto the display and began counting down from five minutes. The Yaris key then slowly started rising, getting closer to the ceiling by the second.

The attitude in the room changed from desperate to positively frantic. The injuries were beginning to take their toll as well. Several journalists were seen lying on the floor, aching and exhausted. The Toyota executive laughed as his gloved assistant removed the tail from another shrimp and lowered it into his mouth.

“Your feeble attempts to snatch the key are futile, but pathetic ass-kissing may slow it down!”

2 thoughts on “Toyota: GR Yaris Coming to United States but Only if You Beg for It You Pathetic Piece of Shit

  1. Accurate satirical post is accurate. North America will not get the GR-4, we will get something “more appropriate to our market” per Toyota, so either a FWD C-HR with some badges, over-sized wheels and the standard 2.0L strapped to a CVT, or a corolla hatch with a watered down version of the GR-4 engine that is FWD only with an open diff.

    OUR MARKET GETS F***** EVERY TIME. But hey, we can have that 6-figure Audi wagon that will prove “nobody buys wagons in America”, you know, because hardly anyone can afford it.

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