Here’s Why the New Mars Rover has Cammed LS7, Sideways 9mm Handgun

Clarifying previous comments that their new Mars Rover would have a “high-powered laser”, NASA informed us that the reality of the situation was actually much simpler. They gave us details of what they actually meant in an interview at a research center early Monday morning.

“The ‘high-powered laser’ the press is jumping all over just helps us aim the glock.” a NASA representative told us, racking the slide on the handgun in question. He aimed it at the floor carefully and then dry fired it, examining the firearm after he did this.

He then tucked the gun into his waistband and got up. “Here, come with me and I’ll show you what we got going on with this thing.”

We followed him into a large hanger area where several NASA employees were busy working on the new rover. Our guide produced a box of Raisinetes from his pocket and tilted it into his mouth.

“Du y’wan some rasin?” he asked us, his mouth full of the candy. We politely declined his offer, and he responded by tilting the box further back, stuffing his cheeks.

As we got closer to the new robot, it became clear our host was serious. There was a V8 mounted in the middle of it, and two NASA employees were carefully inserting a new camshaft. A few other workers were tinkering with a pair of Holley carburetors. Our guide finished his snack, and got us up to speed.

“We got that lopey idle going with a new cam, so any Martians who think they’re hot shit know not to fuck with us.”

“‘Fuckin tunnel ram, too. Look at that shit.”

He then walked around to the front of the rover, where its electro-mechanical arm was menacingly grasping a Glock 17.

“Check this thing out. Nine millimeter Glock, hollow points,” he tiltled the upright gun sideways in the rover’s hand.

“Safety, always off.”

He turned and looked at us, standing next to the rover like a proud father. We asked him what relevance a 9mm handgun had on Mars.

“Well, you know. Space is dangerous. I’ve been watching a bunch of Ancient Aliens–You ever seen that shit? If these Martians built the pyramids, we don’t know what they could have. Maybe they’re strapped, maybe they have a space Honda with a boosted K20. We’re just not sure.”

He smiled at us and nodded when he was finished, content with his reply.

“Oh, oh shit. This, too. Look at this.”

He reached into a cavity on the side of the rover and produced a set of nunchucks. He flailed them around himself as other employees jeered at him to put them down.

“No look, look at this, I got it!”

The other scientists were still not impressed. Several yelled at him, “Come on, Dan! Put those down! Come on, enough!”

Our host continued to whip them around himself, the NASA staff’s disapproval growing ever louder. After we watched him for another few seconds, he lost control of the weapon, striking the Glock out of the robot’s hand. It hit the ground and discharged, deafening everybody in the hanger but harming nobody.

The staff seemed accustomed to this sort of behavior. After removing their hands from their ears, a worker walked over to a ‘Days Without Incident’ board, and solemnly erased it. Dan seemed a little alarmed at first, but after the dust had settled he began to laugh.

“Damn, that’s awesome. Guns are awesome.”

He picked the firearm off the floor and reaffixed it to the rover’s arm.

“Man, this thing is hard. What are Martians gonna do when they see this guy?”

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