OSKALOOSA, IOWA– Angrily telling a nervous intern to, “Keep fucking cranking it!”, DNC Chairman Tom Perez was found in a hopeless situation late Monday evening after a ballot-carrying Saab 900 suddenly died in rural Iowa. After finding a can of Brakleen in the trunk, Mr. Perez removed the air cleaner from the carburetor, and began to spray furiously.
“Come on. Please don’t do this to me. Not right now.”
The intern continued to crank the engine over as the DNC chairman sprayed directly down the carburetor’s primary venturi. The engine sputtered, coughed, and the carburetor burst into flames. Perez frantically removed his suit jacket and covered the manifold, smothering the fire.
“Okay! Alright! Fucking stop, you’re going to flood it!”
Placing his jacket on the ground, he began to unbolt the carburetor from the intake manifold, struggling to do so with an adjustable wrench he found in the glovebox. After several minutes of tedious labor, Perez removed the last bolt, accidentally dropping it through the engine bay.
“FUCK!” he yelled, kicking the Saab’s tire as hard as he could in frustration. “Did you hear it hit the ground?” he asked the intern.
“Uhhh… no, I don’t think so.”
The now livid DNC chairman held his hands to his face in utter bewilderment. He dropped down to his knees, checking under the car with his phone’s flashlight.
“Shit, I think it’s stuck on something…. Yeah, it’s stuck on something.”
Perez lifted himself off the ground, swore, and removed the Saab’s carburetor. He examined it carefully.
“Looks fine.” he said, shaking the carburetor aggressively. “Floats aren’t stuck.”
He looked down at the intake manifold.
“Gasket is totally fucked.”
He placed the carburetor back onto the intake and tucked the nuts previously securing it into his shirt pocket. He closed the hood, staring off into the distance, exhausted. He turned around to address the intern.
“Alright, we still have the app. Let’s just call this stuff in on the app.”