COSTA MESA, CA — Feeling confident it tried as hard as it could, the 2020 Chevrolet Spark received J.D. Power’s inaugural Participation Award during an award ceremony Thursday evening.
“We thought it was a bit unfair that the Honda Fit kept getting all the praise,” said a representative of J.D. Power. “Now, everyone gets recognized for something.”
The Spark smiled brightly as it posed for a photograph, the shimmering medal dangling from its neck.
“I only have 98 horsepower, so I’m slower than everyone else” said the Spark, “but I still run as fast as I can, and Coach says I do a real good job.”
The Spark high-fived the other small hatches on the market, enthusiastically saying “good game” to each participant. The attempted camaraderie was half-heartedly reciprocated.
“It’s about time my child gets a trophy — he deserves it,” said General Motors, belching after having finished its tall boy Bud Light. “He gets out there on the field, and he moves his ass.”
Critics were skeptical of the award, and J.D. Power has faced accusations of creating meaningless awards to praise General Motors in the past.
“We are in no way affiliated with General Motors,” the representative clarified. “We are a legitimate vehicle reviewing source that just so happens to award every single General Motors offering when no other individual or publication would even dream of doing the same.”
GM was reportedly seen heckling the representative a few weeks prior to receiving the award.
“They were belligerent,” said a witness. “GM even tried to throw a punch at the poor J.D. Power guy. Some parents are so damn entitled.”
To conclude the ceremony, the participants ran through a human tunnel. The Spark was at the very back, tripping and falling along the way before getting back up and clumsily galloping to the other side.