Noticing regular people starting to wonder what’s going on inside the multi-brand fight club known as the sport sedan market, several automakers broke loose from the fossil-fueled fracas earlier this decade to change their otherwise excellent vehicles into something more palatable to the public. We were on the scene as several manufacturers realized most auto journalists couldn’t actually afford their cars, and cellphone insurance salesmen preferred a driving experience most similar to being in the womb.
“Hey what’s going on over here?” asked a plastic cutlery marketer, his transitions lenses fading as he approached the loud circle of fighting brands.
BMW looked up, releasing its grip on Audi’s tattered collar.
“Oh, nothing! We’re just uhh… We’re arguing over… Legroom! And uhh…”
Audi piped up; “And total liters of cargo capacity!”
All of the other brands nodded in agreement as the fight broke up. They expressed verbal affirmations concerning Audi’s explanation.
“Yeah!” said Jaguar, hiding the XE Project 8 behind its back. “We’re arguing about fuel economy!”
Mercedes nodded, carefully stuffing the 6.2 liter C63 AMG in its back pocket.
“That’s not true!” exclaimed an approaching toner salesman, pointing his finger at the group of scruffy brands.
“You guys were just talking about the Nuremberg ring! The place where they tried those Nazis!”
The German brands all put their hands up in surrender as Genesis and Cadillac looked on helplessly. The panic grew as the mundanity grew closer.
“No, we swear!” yelled BMW. “Look! The new M340i! Automatic only!”
“Yeah and check this out!” said Mercedes, producing their 4.0 liter V8. “Smaller! Turbocharged! Quieter!”
The group of boring people surrounding the brands grew larger as other marketers and accountants noticed the commotion.
“I have fifty grand to spend, and I’m not blowing it on some Antarctica-murdering V8 deathtrap with trumpets for exhausts!”
“No, of course not!” Said Cadillac, strictly installing the Blackwing V8 in a car that’s soon to be discontinued. “These things are just like… uhhh…”
“Faster Camrys!” said Genesis, making the V6 G70 automatic only.
“Yeah! Faster Camrys!” the rest of the group affirmed.
The crowd of mundane car buyers suddenly seemed less tense.
“Oh. Oh! Okay, nice!”
One of the crowd looked Cadillac up and down, making his decision.
“Yeah, cool! I’ll have one of those new M3s!”