Maserati to Include Free Wife-Cancelling Earbuds with Every Purchase of New GranTurismo

Attempting to deplete their stock of the now discontinued model, Maserati has introduced a promotion that includes complementary wife-cancelling earbuds with the purchase of the GranTurismo performance coupe. We had a video call with a representative of the company who gave us more details.

“Our market research shows that wives are the biggest obstacle our potential and existing customers face,” he said. “This promotion should allow our buyers to enjoy their vehicles without dealing with the… You know… The bitching, the nagging, the, ‘let’s go to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner!'”

The representative rolled his eyes, clearly relating to the situation personally. 

“Always the constant drama…”

Maserati says the buds are extremely small–nearly invisible to the naked eye. They also say the earbuds won’t completely block out all noise; specific sounds will be let in thanks to the device’s sophisticated software.

“The earbuds are designed to eliminate frequencies commonly found in a woman’s voice,” he continued. “However, they still allow the driver to hear the carefully tuned exhaust note.”

Maserati also claims the headphones can detect when your wife is done speaking, prompting the wearer to respond with an agreeable “Yeah.” or more inquisitive, “Yeah?”

Data collected by the Italian firm indicates 92% of GranTurismo owners ranked their wives as at least an “above average” nuisance. Of that group, 75% indicated their wives were “the single greatest nuisance” in their lives.

“77% of owners told us that their spouses were a ‘necessarily evil’, and they were open to solutions that would make dealing with them less of a hassle.”

“Something besides the booze, gambling, women on the side, and cigarettes,” the representative clarified.

Maserati is confident that these devices will help sell cars, however the brand is struggling to defend itself against accusations of misogyny from the public. They were silent on the issue for some time, and then finally released a statement on Twitter addressing the situation.

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