Automakers: Forget the Spare Tire; This Can of Spraypaint Hooked-Up to a Bendy Straw Will be Fine

Several automakers have recently been seen attempting to ditch the spare tire. They’re replacing their full-sized spares with space-savers, and their space-savers with run-flats. An even cheaper solution is to replace spare tire kits with nothing but a can of fix-a-flat. We sat down with a representative from Ford to get more details.

Defending their decision to replace a spare tire with a can of pressurized tire coagulant in some vehicles, a spokesperson told us early Thursday morning that “the can of Rustoleum will be fine,” and we should “just shut up about it”.

Ford has previously defended their decision by insisting the loss of the spare is the fault of increasingly stringent fuel economy regulations. The automaker says this pressures car companies into shedding weight to save every last drop of fuel.

“A full-sized spare? What is this, 1957? Gas isn’t a nickel anymore. The future is now, old man.”

We asked the spokesperson what happens when the puncture cannot be sealed by the ‘tire slime’. She responded that, “Then you call AAA like everybody else on the planet. You may be sitting around for a bit–but you can pass the time reflecting on how stupid you are for popping the tire in the first place.”

We then inquired if Ford themselves would be offering any roadside service for those stranded by the inadequate repair-in-a-can.

“Yeah! You can call 1-800-GET-FUCKED. An operator is standing by.”

We dialed the number not expecting it to work, but to our surprise it began to ring. It was actually ringing very loudly, and when somebody picked up on the other side of the line, we realized it was the representative sitting across from us.

She gestured for us to say something.

We put the device on speaker and began to talk into it, however we were quickly cut off.

The representative pressed the phone against her chest to mute the microphone.

“Hey–What do you think I’m about to say right now?”

We stared back blankly.

“Any ideas?”

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