ANN ARBOR, MICHIGAN–Entering an extremely competitive segment of the automotive landscape, Domino’s Pizza joined the car business early Wednesday morning after unveiling an in-house electric crossover at their Midwest headquarters.
The compact vehicle–dressed in trademark Domino’s livery–will allegedly come with standard features such as a 22″ touchscreen, a hands-free liftgate, and fucked up cheese that slid off the pizza during transit and solidified in the corner of the box.
The brand’s CEO explained the new features at a press conference held at the unveiling.
“Not only will we offer a myriad of standard features, but the new Domino’s crossover will have an unparalleled four-hundred miles of range! And if it’s not delivered on time? It’s free!” The company’s CEO exclaimed, receiving a hearty bout of laughter from the audience.
He then rattled off a series of other features the vehicle would include, such as heated seats, automatic high-beams, and only two pieces of pepperoni even though you asked for extra at least twice.
“We’re gonna make sure that the sauce tastes like Tostito’s mild salsa! That I can guarantee!”
The price of the new vehicle was also announced–the base model starting at $89,995. After some uncertainty from the crowd, the CEO reassured the audience that, although the initial price may be a little steep, the sausage you asked for will undoubtedly have the consistency of a stale gumball.
“And the crust on this thing is gonna be like chewing gum! God forbid you ask for peppers and onions you stupid fuck!”