Hovering fifty feet above the ground with his eyes glowing an intense shade of crimson, Doug DeMuro achieved a state of Nirvana Wednesday afternoon, declaring, “I HAVE DONE IT.” The popular automotive journalist then began to vaporize nearby parked cars with laser beams emanating from his eyes. The destruction was punctuated by exclamations of “THIS!” in the tone typical of his video’s introductions, but also sounding as if several people were speaking at once.
The video began completely normally, however things became stranger as the review progressed. After going over the massive metallic hotdog’s various quirks and features, Doug took the car out on the road.
“Alright, driving the Wienermobile.”
At this point in the video, we realized Doug had been gaining a T-shirt every time there was a cut in the edit. Slowly but surely, he had amassed several layers of garments under his original attire.
“Wow, my whole body feels like its tingling.” said Doug, a slight red eminence beginning to form in his eyes.
As he described the Wienermobile’s handing characteristics, his entire body began to produce a faint glow, giving Doug the appearance of a resurrected Gandalf the White. He became brighter and brighter, not commenting on his increasing luminosity.
“Steering is only alright. Pretty light and not much feel.”
Doug jerked the wheel side-to-side a few more times.
“Wow. Steering feels like it’s getting really light.”
Doug appeared to be slowly entering a trance, his strength growing as he became less conscious of the environment around him. After a few moments of silence, he became blindingly bright. He stopped the Weinermobile on the side of the road, crossed his arms, and then shot out of his seat directly through the roof of the sheet metal sausage.
“IT IS TIME.” said Doug, floating high above the ground, emanating light like a supernova.
He scanned the suburban lane ahead of him, looking for cars that had a distinct lack of quirks and features. After a beat, he spotted a champaign-colored 1999 Toyota Corolla. His eyes appeared to absorb the sun’s energy as the neighborhood around him grew darker. His intense red gaze focused on the Corolla, his white outer glow now blinding.
His expression changed from neutral to an angry, determined grimace.
Lasers fired from his eyes and completely vaporized the unfortunate Toyota. He continued to search the street almost robotically. Spotting a lackluster car, he would nod, and his eye lasers would turn the offending vehicle into a pile of ash.
Continuing for several more minutes, the video only ended when there was just one car left on the previously packed street; a decrepit Saab 9000 Aero.
Doug stared at the car, his expression neutralizing. His Luminosity then faded, and he floated down back to the street. He casually approached the vehicle, shielding his eyes from the sun as he examined the car’s interior.
“It’s a stick!”