MINI Clinches Gold Medal in Mental Gymnastics After Releasing CRV Sized Countryman

MINI, the British-themed subsidiary of BMW specializing in small cars, received the gold medal for mental gymnastics early Sunday evening after inching out Ford’s new Mustang Mach-E. The duo was joined on the podium by the Hyundai Venue, which despite being a ‘crossover’, has no business anywhere but on a bone-dry city street.

The competition took place in Paris, a part of the auto industry’s annual ‘Senseless Marketing Olympics’. Every automaker is currently invited to the yearly event–except Tesla. The body organizing the competition (the SMO) says that Tesla is perfect in every way, and they never make any mistakes. Therefore, it doesn’t make any sense for them to attend. They insist it was unrelated to the “Twitter shitstorm” caused when the California company’s Cybertruck took gold in every category, and was disqualified.

“I mean you know, we want it to be fair for everybody.” A spokesperson for the SMO said, in reaction to the allegations.

In their acceptance speech, MINI said they were, “Simply listening to their customers” when the decision to make a vehicle as large as a first-gen CRV was finalized.

“We had a lot of focus groups. Everybody said they wanted a bigger MINI. Even after we pointed out that, you know, that would sort of defeat the purpose of the car being called ‘MINI’, nobody saw the irony.”

The German automaker insisted it was not an easy decision for them, and deliberation lasted weeks.

“All together, our staff smoked about a trillion cigarettes before we agreed to move forward. The whole ‘active lifestyle’ crowd had a gun to our head. What were we supposed to do?”

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