Report: Automaker Just One Terrible Business Decision Away From Performance Car Of The Decade

Signifying the end of the 2010s with a superlatively performing machine, a report published Tuesday indicated the automotive industry is just one awful business decision away from creating what is expected to be celebrated as the performance car of the decade.

“This car will be a hit with auto journalists all over the world,” a reporter said. “They can expect to easily sell fifty of them.”

Leaked details of the model indicate it will be a restyled clone of the E36 3 series, with modern amenities such as Bluetooth and Apple Carplay. Only a three or five door wagon will be offered, and new high-revving turbocharged engines will be available. The car will be only be offered with a manual transmission.

“This car will be fast, fun, and inexpensive,” the reporter said. “It will be capable of accelerating from 0-60 in five seconds and will sit on dealer lots for an average of seven months.”

Largely speculative in nature, the report was unable to confirm which manufacturer would produce the vehicle. However, Honda was implied as the most likely contender. It estimated the car’s starting price at around $25,000, and a budget of around $200 million for development and production.

“Internal memos are calling this vehicle the ‘cash inferno’, but the press and public seem completely ready to drop twenty-five grand on it. We heard through the grapevine that the automaker in question will be taking ‘pinky promises’ in lieu of deposits for the car.”

The money to develop this new vehicle did not, however, appear out of thin air.

“This model will be produced instead of a new luxury crossover,” the reporter claimed. “It will serve as a car that excites people and gets customers into dealerships.”

At press time, an additional set of leaked phone calls and emails indicated that many employees of the company were enjoying their work more than ever, however they were simultaneously looking for work at rival automakers. According to our sources, this was in preparation for the business’s imminent bankruptcy.

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