CAMBRIDGE, MA — Providing a scientific basis for a popular perspective, a study conducted at Harvard University concluded that, for all cars, the currently outgoing model is superior to its upcoming replacement.
“We initially formed our hypothesis from field observation,” a researcher said. “We noticed a pattern forming: the MK4 and MK5 Supra, the growing Mini Cooper, and the Corvette’s shift to a mid-engined layout.”
“We predicted the new versions of those examples were going to be shit. Lo and behold, we were so right.”
The comprehensive study examined generational changes of dozens of models over several decades. It examined the subjects’ attributes and used an advanced statistical methodology to objectively rank them.
“We looked at both the addition and omission of features,” said a research analyst. “Features like superchargers often made a vehicle better when they were added. However, when certain options were removed, such as a manual transmission, it turned the car into a bottom-feeding shit-mobile.”
The experiments produced substantial, compelling evidence that the car about to be replaced is significantly better, and the findings didn’t end there.
“The trend we found is nothing short of ubiquitous,” said one of the study’s authors. “It always rings true, even for models that exist only as rumors.”
“The fabled Corvette SUV, if produced, will not replace any outgoing model,” she said. “The hypothesis, however, still holds true, as a Corvette SUV would theoretically be worse than having nothing.”