Citing a taste for the finer things in life, an popular Youtube car Vlogger emailed us Sunday to give a peek into his writing process. He insisted on remaining anonymous.
“Most places just get it all wrong.”
“Petrolicious makes a video that can capture an entire car’s spirit in like, three minutes. Why the fuck would you want to do that?”
“Listen to this. C8 gets released right? No chrome wheels. Boomers get mad pissed! Listen to this video title,”
“Fat Incontinent Boomers Taking Boner Pills By The Train Load Cry Tears Of Pure Yuengling As Chrome Rims Absent From Corvette Website”
“Isn’t that sick? Dumb boomers haha.”
“All of my videos titles should sound like something a drunk person would say completely out of the blue at a house party!”
The vlogger continued for several paragraphs describing various profanity-laden theories behind successful video titles. He spent another several paragraphs describing what “flexing” is, and how he never does it–especially not to his fans. After he was finished, he got around to the core of his argument.
“Really the way you gotta look at it is like food. Food and beer.”
“You ever have a sip of Bud Light and then aerate your palette? Oh man. All of those delicate tones just rush through your taste buds like water breaking over the shoals of a muted New England Coastline. There’s that fruit, the gentle hints of coriander and nutmeg? Ugh. Just amazing.”
“It’s like a symphony of flavor! You feel like Anheiser Busch is conducting a beautiful orchestra of hops and malted barely inside your mouth.”
After several more paragraphs of beer review, the vlogger finished his email by explaining his personal vision for his channel.
“I just have to be on the cutting edge of easy-mac journalism. You know, like the macaroni cups? Just add water and slam that shit onto YouTube.”
“If making a great car video is like carefully preparing a delicious meal of precisely measured, quality ingredients, I want to be the guy tenderizing a steak made out of frozen mustard and teeth with a fucking jackhammer.”