Tesla Posts Strongest Profits Ever After Unveiling Own Brand of In-House Kool-Aid

Flexing their muscles after a strong quarter, Tesla announced record profits Tuesday afternoon as the brand released it’s own spin-off of the powdered Kool-Aid beverage. Although many in the automotive media have known of its existence for some time, it has never before taken actual physical form.

According to Teslarati.com, the beverage does not taste like much of anything, but other publications said it gave them the urge to smoke marijuana on podcasts. After reports of these side effects became public, the FDA got involved, stalling the drink’s sale until further notice. Although not confirmed, rumors say they agency plans to classify the powder as a Schedule I controlled substance.

The powdered beverage was only one of several items in a new line of Tesla branded merchandise. Along with the Kool-Aid, a Tesla branded keyboard was also released. Described as the most premium typing experience money can buy, none of the tech publications who reviewed it could get it out of caps lock. Tesla clarified this is a feature in a later press release, saying that the keyboard is “Caps lock only for saving time during vital internet arguments.”

Most of the other products in the new line were the typical baseball caps and sweatshirts, with an Elon Musk body pillow being the only other standout. This item is not actually for sale yet however, with sources saying it’s promised $1200 dollar price-tag will actually be closer to $2000.

This new line of merchandise does not come as a surprise. The federal government demanded the Silicon Valley company release a new series of apparel after previous baseball caps and beanies were shown to severely restrict blood flow to the brain. When asked for comment, Federal agencies said they could not formally confirm a link between this and Tesla enthusiasts behavior.

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