Desperate Jaguar Confirms They Will Accept Small Favors, Shiny Stuff, Kohl’s Cash In Exchange for I-Pace

Admitting the existence of a promotion that was previously only a rumor, Jaguar confirmed to us in an email late Tuesday night that they would indeed accept favors, shiny objects, and store credit from Kohls as a down payment for the new I-Pace. The promotion comes after the vehicle’s sales have gone completely slack due to cheaper, superior competition from several automakers.

In the email, a representative stated, “I mean, we’re not even talking big favors. I’m saying like, go pick up a gallon of milk for me–take my dog for a walk.”

The email detailed which dealerships would be running the promotion, and then got back around to what they would accept in exchange for the vehicles. The most unusual of the bartering items, store credit from the popular retailer Kohl’s or, “Kohl’s Cash” was among the items accepted as down payment.

“We’re gonna take Kohl’s Cash. Also, gift cards. We’ll take any gift card at face value. Best Buy, Arby’s, Xbox Live, Hooters, well take it.”

The email then detailed what sorts of shiny things would be accepted.

“Buttons, beads, pieces of colored glass,”

“not even shiny stuff either. Just nice shit. Really smooth rocks, novel scented candles, somewhat desirable baseball cards, if your mom makes a good lasagna, you can bring that down.”

“We gotta move these cars out of here.”

UPDATE: A followup email, sent about an hour after the first, was even more desperate.

“Just say the salesman looks nice. Just say you like his tie. We’ll do 0% APR for 24 months.”

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