Dearborn Retirement Homes Take to the Streets After Ford’s EV Betrayal

DEARBORN, MI–Thousands of elderly Ford Mustang owners are reacting violently to the news that Ford will produce an electric crossover variant of their iconic pony car.

A small group of octogenarian Mustang enthusiasts began rioting outside the headquarters of FoMoCo in Dearborn, MI. The violence intensified overnight as photos of the Ford Mustang Lithium, a 900 hp electric show car built for SEMA, appeared on multiple sites.

B/T was at the scene last night as the destruction raged, but only for a short time. A flaming metal walker dragged behind an ’89 foxbody nearly took out our producer.

The mood was tense.

We stopped to talk with one angry owner who was preparing to immolate himself. He asked not to be identified.

“The bastards!” he screamed as he ripped open his zip-up cardigan, “They went and did it! They went and blew it up! Damn them all to hell!”

As the BiPAP machines flew overhead, a chanting war began to break out between various factions of the Mustang community. Chants of “CLEVELAND!” were being echoed by chants of “WINDSOR!” The two groups grew to enormous size and a line was drawn in the building parking lot. Sides were chosen. As the air grew thick with retirees, a man carrying a torch dressed in a toga-like outfit who looked very much like Ford CEO James Hackett stepped between the two groups and succeeded in calming the seething masses.

The respite was brief however, as someone abruptly shouted, “No fuckin’ way this thing’s gonna have four doors!” and the two groups quickly resumed their attack on the building.

No actual damage has been done due to the feeble nature of the elderly, and there are few reported injuries. Most of the injuries are light burns attributed to a hastily constructed effigy of Henry Ford that collapsed near several people as it smoldered. B/T will continue to update this story as it unfolds.

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