G/O Media, Jalopnik’s parent company, was in a state of confusion and panic early Monday morning as the latest edition of Jason Torchinksy’s “Jason Drives” was released on Youtube. The episode is a review of what appeared to be G/O Media CEO Jim Spanfeller’s own Lexus LS500. Although reports could initially not confirm whether or not the vehicle was actually Spanfeller’s, a sticky note saying “get fucked” was discovered where the vehicle is usually parked.
The episode starts with some typical light jazz, and is reasonably normal besides a few quirks.
“Hey Everybody! Welcome to Jason Drives! This week I’m driving the great Jim Spanfeller’s personal LS500!”
After the usual intro, a black LS500 barreled into the frame, coming to a sudden screeching halt in a derelict parking lot. Torchinsky then rolled down the window.
“Hey guys, Jason here! Very excited to have the opportunity to review the fantastic personal vehicle of our very own Jim Spanfeller today. We borrowed this car with permission from the homeless guy named Terry across the street from our offices! Really cool!”
The cars window then rolled back up, and the Lexus’ engine groaned against the vehicles brakes. It took off out of frame as the brakes were released. The episode continued with some more jazz, and Torchinsky driving down a pothole ridden New York City street.
“This episode is gonna be a little different today, because for this one I’ve taken up smoking!”
Torchinsky removed a package of Marlboros from his shirt pocket, placing two in his mouth. “Nothing wrong with a little puff or two from time to time!” he said in a muffled voice.
Revealing a container of strike-anywhere matches, he ignited one of them on the Lexus’ wooden trim.
“Real wood! Nice one Lexus!”
Lighting both cigarettes, he opened the glove compartment, immediately throwing one of the cigarettes in and closing it. “Let’s see how airtight that glovebox is. Always gotta test for glovebox air-tightness.” Tapping the ash of his remaining cigarette into the cupholder, he continued to review the vehicle.
“The LS500 is Lexus’ big boaty sedan. Kind of like one of those huge Japanese whaling ships. I can see why Jim likes it. This thing is just rides up alongside otherwise successful publications and harpoons them in the back!”
The view cut to a shot of the Lexus driving past a stationary camera on the sidewalk, then back to the interior.
“Just like a boat, this car is known for its super supple ride. I’m not feeling much coming into the cabin right now, but lets give this thing a serious test.”
Torchinsky could be seen concentrating heavily on the road, and then bracing himself. After a beat, the interior camera was shaken off of its mountings as the Lexus slammed into a massive pothole.
“Whoa! Almost got stuck in that one! Could’ve been people living in that thing!”
The video was now shaky, with a constant vibration effecting the footage. “Looks like we might’ve bent one of the wheels here! Good time to pull over and stop for lunch anyway.”
He pulled onto the side of the road directly in front of a fire hydrant, pressing out his cigarette on the car’s steering wheel. He reached across the seats, grabbing a brown paper bag.
“Wife made me lunch for this shoot today. I told her to surprise me. Lets see what’s in here!”
He unraveled the top of the bag, removing an object covered in tin foil. He unwrapped it on the center armrest.
“Oh man! My wife made me tuna salad! It’s extra wet, too! Just the way I like it.”
About three minutes into eating his lunch, Torchinsky stopped to wipe his fingers on the vehicles upholstery.
“This is pretty good.” Torchinsky said, eating the sandwich. “Maybe some cucumbers next ti-” Torchinsky made a face, and sneezed directly onto the vehicles navigation screen.
“Oh man my allergies this year are just getting to m-” He sneezed again, this time onto the car’s instrument cluster. He blew his nose in a napkin and threw it behind him aimlessly.
“I gotta say Jim, this thing is really something else inside. Really tasteful choices on the options here!”
He looked down at the center stack.
“I don’t know if I would’ve gotten the massage seats, Jimbo” Torchisnky said, still speaking with his mouth full.
“They’re a little harsh in this car.”
He reached under the button with his fingernail and plucked it off, discarding it out of the window.
A police officer then approached the passengers side of the vehicle, tapping on the window. Torchinsky rolled it down.
“Hey buddy, you’re parked illegally in front of a hydrant here.”
Torchinsky leaned forward, looking around the officer to see it.
“I don’t see any hydrant there.” he responded, still eating.
The officer glared at Torchinsky.
“Listen asshole, I don-“
“Woah,” Torchinsky said, raising a shushing hand to the officer as he finished chewing.
“That’s Mr. Spanfeller to you.”
After staring angrily at Torchinsky for another moment, the policeman took a step away from the window and began carefully writing a ticket. When he was done, he placed it on the windshield under the wiper blade. He gave the hood two smacks as he walked away. “Have a good one, buddy.”
Jason then watched the police officer walk away, and gave a big smile into the camera as he continued eating. The video cut back to the derelict parking lot as the light jazz began again.
“So after driving Jim’s Lexus, I’ve decided that the glovebox isn’t airtight enough, so I don’t want to drive it anymore. Luckily, the local animal control agency says that this car is a perfect candidate for a family of raccoons they just picked up from under the GWB.”
Jason opened the door as at least a dozen of the animals scurried into the frame and jumped onto the front seat of the LS500. The jazz then started for a final time, as Torchsinky could be seen giving another toothy grin to the camera as it slowly panned in onto his face. As it zoomed, the animals could be heard destroying the interior in the background.
Once the frame was completely filled by Torchinky’s face, he winked at the camera, and the video ended.