AUSTIN, TX– Having run completely dry of funds for the USGP at COTA, Williams F1 decided during Saturday’s free practice to send George Russel out on track wearing a bicycle helmet and a book-sock durag instead of his typical fireproof balaclava. The news comes after the last of Lawrence Stroll’s money was spent throwing a surprise birthday party for the raccoons living in Ferrari’s derelict strategy department.
“Does anybody have any quarters left for the laundromat?” Claire Williams was quoted as saying.
“Check your pockets guys, come on. Robert! Check your glovebox!”
The team’s dire financial straits were compounded earlier in the weekend after the FIA discovered Williams engineers painting silver spokes onto black steelies to save money on wheels & tires. Although the FIA had a moment of sad-cringe empathy for the British team, they were forced to outlaw the unsafe parts.
When asked for comment on the situation, a Williams engineer grasping a can of spray paint was quoted as saying “OY WELL THEY JUST WENT NICKED OUR WHEELS! ‘STEALIN ‘INNIT?”
George Russel implied he was indeed uncomfortable with his blue book-sock balaclava, saying he would have much preferred one with flames on it. The British driver then continued to explain how the team had no other choice in a lengthy slideshow.
“See if you look here,” Russel said, gesturing with a laser pointer at a pie chart.
“The biggest part of the budget is the cars. Most of the other money is spent paying employees, transportation costs, and next-day air deliveries of Nandos.”
“There just wasn’t anything left to wash the balaclavas or buy helmets.”
We asked him what a tiny yellow sliver representing 0.05% was on the pie chart.
“That’s for Yorkshire Gold”
He changed the slide again.