John Hennessey Puzzled to Find Taycan Development Car No Faster After Drunken Rant on Linkedin

Seeming to have run dry of ideas, Hennessey Performance CEO John Hennessey told reporters on Monday that he was completely stumped. Despite an inebriated rant on the popular business networking site LinkedIn, the company’s Taycan development car was no faster the next morning.

“I’ve already destroyed two customer Taycans trying to squeeze some performance out of these things.”

“What am I going to do now that my shitfaced rant didn’t work? I’m not sure.”

How has be been trying to make them more powerful?

“First, we tried to wear really fuzzy slippers, get all charged up, and zap some more power into the car after we had a pillow fight.”

“That car got destroyed when we all became super charged up with static electricity and ran it into a Denny’s.”

And the other one?

“We got a local Shaman to smudge the car, and perform some gemstone therapy on it. He built a big bamboo pyramid around the entire thing and tried to cleanse it’s chakras.”

“He was just about to finish a chant to remove all the evil spirits when the car starting smoking, and a bunch of ghosts came out.”

“We were all like, ‘ahhh noo get these ghosts out of here, we don’t want any ghosts ahhhh no stop it!'”.

“Then a technician dropped it off the lift.”

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