New Study Cements Relationship Between Apex Seals And Crippling Anxiety

A new study released by on Tuesday by NHTSA has officially substantiated the relationship between owning a rotary powered vehicle and experiencing constant anxiety lasting the duration of ownership.

The study compiled several pages of quantitative data, as well as several comments from owners.

Stephan Gill from New Hampshire wrote, “I’ll be driving down the road, making sure my AFR is all good, making sure my oil pressure is fine, and then I just feel a little dip. Was that just clutch slip or something, or a little loss of compression? I’m sure it wasn’t a misfire as it wasn’t very sudden. Then I ask myself, ‘are my apex seals going?'” 
The interviewer commented in the margin that at this point, Mr. Gill turned slightly pale and stared off into the distance.

Another participant in the study, John Ross, commented, “I was driving down Interstate 81 when I just felt the car slow down a little. I checked my cruise control and it was still engaged. I kept thinking, ‘did I mix enough two-stroke oil with my gas? Everybody says to do that.'”

“I swear I always put in the right amount. It couldn’t be my apex seals. I did everything right.”

A heart-rate monitor attached to Mr. Ross recorded that his pulse was steadily climbing as the story he recounted progressed.

“Does It feel a little down on power? No, I’m just on a hill. It’s fine. I mixed in the right amount of two-cycle. It’s fine. I’m only at eighty thousand miles. Everything should be OK.”

The numerical data indicates that 91% of people who made a serious investment in a rotary powered vehicle harbor this type of anxiety. This number plummets when the purchase price dips below two thousand dollars.

The study also notes that conventional anxiety medications will not be potent enough to quell these malevolent emotions. “The only known treatment is having a spare 13b in the trunk at all times. Preferably one that has been recently rebuilt.” 

Although the study is the first of its kind, the body that conducted it plans to expand its research to other vehicles.

“Next we’re looking into rear sub-frame anxiety on E46 M3s, and then were going to probably move onto something more broad, like owning a Chrysler product.”



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