BMW Insider Alleges 4 Series Nostrils Reference Quantity of Glue Designers Sniffing

FRANKFURT — After a controversial launch of the 4 Series concept car, we spoke to a brand representative at the Frankfurt Motor Show to ask a few questions about the upcoming vehicle.

“The kidney grilles have been enlarged on the new 4 Series for several reasons.” a spokesperson told us.

Those reasons?

“This new concept embodies all the great BMW design values. The grilles get larger to show the higher performance and classic roots of this new model. As the driving dynamics move closer to the Toyota Corolla every year, we have to remind people more and more that yes, you are driving a BMW. The size of the grilles is in direct proportion to how far we stray from god’s light every design cycle.”

How does BMW respond to criticism surrounding the enlargement of these grilles?

“You know, some people mock us for the large kidneys. Some people call them beaver teeth, or a waffle iron. Others try to fit older grilles, or themselves, inside of them. We think this is all just good-spirited fun.”

The interviewer then paused, looking around to ensure none of his superiors were near.

“It’s also a reference to all the shit everyone is doing back in Munich.”

The man drew deeply from a produced inhaler and dabbed his brow with his sleeve.

“Inside the design offices, all of the sane people call it the ‘coke snowplow’. The senior designers are taking all of the glue they use to tack together models and sniffing it like  bloodhounds.”

A senior executive then came up behind our host, with a light dusting of white powder under his nose. He put his arm around the spokesperson.

“Karl! You giving these friends all the details of our carefully managed proportions?”

The spokesperson handed us both two brochures with a smile suddenly spread across his beleaguered face.

“Yes! Yes of course!”


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