NURBURG, GERMANY– In what is shaping up to be the automotive dick measuring contest of the decade, Elon Musk has decided to put his…. His uhhh…… He’s risking his very….. His… Uhhh….
Unable to find the words for what is actually on the line, we called Mr. Musk himself to ask was at stake.
“My reputation is on the line. Remember how I went on Joe Rogan’s podcast, smoked weed, and lost two valuable executives? Then after that the airforce kind of wondered who the fuck they were buying spacecraft from?”
“That is what’s at stake.”
We asked if that was all.
“The Model S is also on the line. If the Porsche wins, I can’t just say the Tesla is only X seconds slower and half the cost. That would be like saying you’ll be able to buy a Model 3 for thirty five grand and then never delivering on it.”
Did he think the Tesla had any disadvantage VS the Porsche?
“The track owners told me I couldn’t be in the passengers seat hitting the driver with a crop, like at the Kentucky derby. I frankly think that’s ridiculous.”
After our call, sources around Musk indicated that the Nurburgring stewards had agreed to let Musk screech threats into a powerful walkie-talkie instead. Only, however, after his request for a chained up Rottweiler in the back seat had also been declined.