Honda Dealerships Offering Free Listless Apathy With Purchase Of New CR-V

Honda announced this week that it will start offering free listless apathy with the purchase of any new CR-V.

We asked Honda to elaborate on a half-finished press release, but the press representative we spoke with seemed totally uninterested as they described the new “sea of beige” package being offered.

“We know who buys these things… We thought we’d just cut to the chase and be honest about it.” 

“It’s a loaf of car. We’re aware. Our customers are also aware.”

The representative then mumbled something about picking up some cream of wheat, and hung up. The website for the new CR-V appeared to be a crude Microsoft Paint picture of a crossover-like shape, with shaky circular wheels. We decided to visit a local Honda dealership to get more information. We could tell you which one but it doesn’t really matter.

Upon entering the showroom, we noted most of the staff appeared to be watching reruns of The Simpsons in the break room while the rest stared at their phones in a corner. When we requested assistance, the ambient pressure in the building rapidly fell as the entire group sighed in unison. Eventually, after the episode ended, the sales manager gave us permission to ask the staff about the new offer, but only after we agreed to finish before the next episode began. 

“They told us to offer it as an extra because people seemed totally ambivalent about wanting it or not.”

He gestured half-heartedly towards a light blue CR-V in the showroom.

“I don’t even know how much they cost. Cheap I guess. Plenty of people buy them. Seems like a box you can put things in… and it takes you places.”

The manager then stared off into the distance. We waved our hands in front of his face, but it appeared he had entered some sort of sleep mode. 

We had the chance to speak to a man that came to the showroom looking for a new CR-V while he waited for the sales staff to finish the next Simpsons episode. We asked what drew him to the CR-V and what he thought of the new apathy package.

The man scratched his head. “Is that what it’s called?”


“I saw six parked next to each other at Chili’s. I thought to myself… This must be… a car. Must be fine if there are that many around.”

As we were leaving, we thanked the now booted-up sales manager for his time. He yelled back, “Whatever!” from inside the men’s restroom.

7 thoughts on “Honda Dealerships Offering Free Listless Apathy With Purchase Of New CR-V

  1. I don’t know why this showed up on my Google feed but wow was it accurate. Thank you for writing this because I had no concrete reason not to buy a CR-V as highly ranked and affordable as it was, but there was just something I couldn’t put my finger on until now.

  2. I had a Honda Civic that I was very happy with for 14 years, but after bad experiences at 4 dealerships in the Phx metro area, I went with a Nissan. I like the style of the CRV, but would probably buy a used one to avoid the deslership experience.

    1. I have trouble not speeding in ours because the CVT is so lifeless that you have no idea how fast you’re going without keeping your eye on the speedometer. The perception of speed is so different than my 6 speed accord v6

  3. Each model is also equipped with the now standard “Apathetic Driver Assistance Package”, which includes 10mph-under-the-limit cruise control, automatic left-lane loitering, and advanced sensors that detect when a light has turned green so the car can leave 10 entire fucking seconds later.

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