General Motors Admits They Have Zero Fucking Clue What ‘Initial Quality’ Means

DETROIT, MI — Conceding ignorance of an award they have repeatedly flaunted, General Motors announced Monday they have “absolutely no fucking idea” what J.D. Power’s ‘Initial Quality’ award signifies.

“The first time we heard J.D. Power gave us the award, we were confused, but we decided to run with it,” said Mary Barra, chairperson and CEO of General Motors, “but now, they keep giving us the award, and we still don’t know what it’s supposed to mean.”

J.D. Power has ranked many of General Motors’s vehicles first in initial quality within their respective segments. The automaker has centered much of its marketing around such designations.

“We thought it sounded good to potential buyers,” Barra said. “Sometimes, car magazines criticize us for our interior design, and we wanted to refute those claims.”

“If we’re honest, though, we don’t get it. At all. Does the award mean our brand-new vehicles break down the least? Do our unused seats show the least amount of wear? Do our infotainment systems glitch out less than the competition when they’re brand new?”

“Seems like bullshit,” she admitted. “I don’t know what the award really means, and our customers don’t either.”

“We both seem to think it’s good though. It’s an award right?”

The confusion surrounding the award reached far beyond GM’s executive offices, baffling dealership salespeople as well.

“I used to mention the award every time someone came to the lot looking at a new Silverado,” said Jim Moore, a salesperson at Courtesy Chevrolet in San Jose, California, “but one time someone asked me what that meant. I just told him that it meant the car was ‘Good.'”

Moore is just one example of hundreds of similar stories. Many GM dealerships have since implemented policies barring their employees from mentioning the studies in an attempt to minimize confusion.

Since this article has been published, General Motors has announced plans to pull the marketing campaign entirely.

“We’re gonna go back to our old marketing strategy: ‘Real People, Not Actors,'” Barra said. “That one only confused the people who were actually involved in the production.”

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