Crusty Subaru EJ Spotted Drinking PBR, Heckling Local Whippersnappers From Front Porch

BURLINGTON– Sources in and around the small city of Burlington, Vermont have recently reported seeing a 2.5 liter EJ harassing other engines from its decrepit front porch. Local police say that although the motor may be disturbing locals with its unusual exhaust note and disruptive antics, it is free to drink on its own property. B/T was on the scene interviewing a four cylinder B48 from the current 330i when all hell broke loose.

“You see this guy? Look at him. Just seen too many winters I guess.”

The engine being referred to was sitting on its front stoop, next to a plastic garbage can overflowing with empty cans of PBR.

“He just sits there all day, taunting any other engine that makes the mistake of coming too close. Only time he stops drinking beer is to have a bunch of oil. Sometimes he makes a mixer with some coolant too. Disgusting if you ask me.”

The EJ, seeing a T6 Volvo engine crossing the street, put down its beer and began to yell.

“Hey look at this guy with sixteen turbochargers and an electric motor up your ass!”

“Yeah, okay! You forgot the supercharger you senile fuck!”

“Yeah? Why don’t you get the fuck off my block you Rube Goldberg sack of shit!”

“Fuck off!”

The B48 who had turned to look at the commotion then looked back to us.

“You see that? This used to be a nice neighborhood. Poor old fella has just been hanging around for every Legacy generation since ’89.”

The BMW engine turned around again and looked at the Subaru motor in disgust.

“Look at his valve cover gaskets. Incontinent old coot just has oil all over himself, and those cam seals. Jesus just look at that. Sad really.”

We then saw a young LT5 pass by, doing his paper route.

“Hey kid! Found your missing camshafts yet?”

The LT5 threw the Subaru’s paper onto his roof and continued to pedal.

“Fuck you old man!”

The EJ gave the new V8 the finger, and cracked open another beer.

“A hundred more generations,” the engine could be heard saying to itself between sips.

“EJ for a thousand years…”

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