DETROIT, MI — Catering to the demands of its consumer base, Chevrolet announced Tuesday that the upcoming C8 Corvette will be available with a ‘Boomer Package,’ which removes the vehicle’s engine and transmission entirely.
The C8’s mid-engine layout has sparked outrage among the Corvette’s older customers. Some have expressed further disappointment about the lack of an available manual transmission.
“We believe this is the best solution to their complaints,” a spokesperson said. “If there’s no engine, our customers won’t be upset about where the engine is. Same goes for the transmission.”
“Buyers can install a drivetrain at their position of choice within the car,” the spokesperson continued, “or they can just push it in and out of the garage without all of the wasted money and gasoline.”
Unlike most options, the Boomer Package lowers the base price of the Corvette by $15,000.
“We aren’t Porsche,” the spokesperson said. “We don’t remove stuff and charge you more for it.”
Another reason for the price drop, according to Chevrolet, was that it addresses another complaint older audiences have expressed about the C8 Corvette: its effect on the value of previous models.
“These folks are right to be concerned that their pristine, low-mileage C7s will drop in value,” the spokesperson said. “As the last front-engined Corvettes, they mark the end of an era, which we all know is the antithesis of collectibility.”
“Look at the Porsche Carrera GT — one of the last supercars free of all that driver aid computer crap,” he said, “or the 458 Speciale — the last naturally aspirated, mid-engined, V8 Ferrari. Those are worthless heaps of shit nowadays.”
“Making the new Corvette both appealing and affordable to our audience was one of our top priorities,” the spokesperson said. “They are, after all, economically worse off than any other generation.”
“When they were kids it was permanently winter, like Hoth from Star Wars. Every day their school would grow legs and run farther away from their houses. Wasn’t all that uncommon to get sucked into a carburetor, or to face the horrors of a steady job with great pay, benefits, and a pension straight out of high school with zero debt.”
“They deserve all the help they need to buy a brand-new performance car.”