Doug DeMuro just announced Saturday that in exchange for a lengthy piggy back ride around your neighborhood, he will review your quirks and features and give you a DougScore. A sample video released the same day shows viewers what they can expect from being reviewed by Doug.
The scene opens in typical Doug fashion; however, instead of a car, Doug is standing behind a middle aged man.
“This! Is a 1988 Greg Peterson, and he is probably the slowest, strangest Greg I have yet to review.”
The intro scene has also been replaced. Instead of a car it is now the silhouette of a person, with Doug on their back, running across the frame.
“First, A little overview of Greg. Greg was born in Boulder, Colorado, in 1988. This makes him, you guessed it, thirty-one years old.”
“Greg ran track in high-school, but had to stop after developing a heart condition. He did however take voice lessons earlier in his life, so he claims his car noises will make up for any lack in performance.”
After further reviewing Greg’s double jointed thumbs and unusually small ears, he moved on to the piggy back phase. After jumping on Greg’s back, the camera angle switches to a GoPro pointed at Doug and Greg’s face.
“Alright. Driving the Greg.”
“First impressions? Greg’s back is uncomfortable. I can feel his spine protruding into my chest. Just not very well thought out, especially for a former athlete.”
Greg then began to run and make car noises.
“Greg’s noises are… pretty good. Almost a little Bobby McMann in there? I’m not quite sure if they are as good as Danny Foster’s, but they do make up for his lack of pace.”
After several more minutes of running around, Greg was drenched in sweat and stopped after complaining of acute chest pain. Doug then poured a bottle of water on his head, and then continued the video.
“Now it’s time to give Greg a DougScore.”
“Starting with the weekend categories and styling, Greg is reasonably good looking, and has a steady girlfriend who is better looking than him, so he gets a six out of ten.”
“Acceleration? Greg’s heart condition kept him from reaching his high school potential, and his pace was not very consistent. Greg gets a one out of ten.”
After reviewing Greg’s poor handling, he gave him high marks for fun factor on account of his double jointed thumbs.
“Add it all up and the Doug Score is…? Thirty-five out of one hundred.”
Doug’s typical scoring chart then appeared on the screen.
“As compared to other 1980’s people, Greg scores near the bottom with Jeremy Scarborough and Terry Birchman pulling ahead easily. Greg has aged better than others in his decade though, and for that he comes in ahead of David Peters and George Williams.”
“Greg isn’t the best performer ever, but he has an okay Jay Leno impression, and his thumbs are a good trick. If he took a few blood thinners beforehand? Who knows. He may have been higher up our list.”