AUBURN HILLS— Alfa Romeo has finally announced they will address their new Guilia’s reliability issues in a press conference Thursday. The announcement came after months of complaints pertaining to the dubious dependability of the sports sedan.
An apparently Italian representative from Alfa Romeo took to the stage to give the announcement, and answer questions in a thick accent.
“Here at Alfa Romeo, we have heard your complaints, and today we can present to you in detail, our solutions.”
A projector screen behind the man flashed to life as he lit a cigarette.
“We have prepared this short film for you all to explain what improvements we have made.”
The film began with two men driving down a twisty forest road, when suddenly the car begins to bellow steam from under the hood. The camera cuts to the dash, where there are no warning light of any kind visible.
“Oh rats!” one of the men says in a heavy Italian accent.
The car pulls to the side of the road where the hood is opened and the engine bay examined. After realizing their phones have no signal, the two men get back in the car after arguing with each other in a loud and animated manner for some time.
“We’re going to be stuck here! Forever!” the other man says. They both begin to look off into the trees ahead of them, clearly deep in thought.
The man in the drivers seat suddenly raises his finger in a eureka moment, and without warning stomps down onto the cars floor, revealing a massive hole straight down to the road.
The other Italian man looked back at the driver, confused.
“For the cigarettes? For the butts?”
The driver shook his head as he put his legs through the opening in the floor. The man in the passenger seat looks extremely pleased and excited this had been done, and promptly does the same thing on his side of the vehicle. They then shift the car into neutral, and the car is seen slowly advancing down the road. The camera cuts to a profile view as the two men’s legs can be seen clambering beneath the vehicle. The film then ends.
The spokesperson looked back at the audience, very pleased with himself
“Are there questions?” he said, making a gracious gesture with his cigarette.
“Is it true the only google review on your corporate headquarters is a guy complaining about his total lemon of a Guilia?”
“No. This is not true.”
The journalist then raised his phone from the audience.
“No it is true. I wasn’t really asking. You can actually read it right here.”